In relationships we are looking for love, care and adoption. But some people do not need it. They want only one thing: complete control over a partner. And achieve it in every possible way - from subtle manipulation to threats, harassment and beatings.
psychologists callHow to Recognize the Signs of Mental and Emotional Abuse such people abyuzerami (from the English abuse - violence, abuse). The consequences of such a relationship with the partner mayWhat Are the Short- and Long-Term Effects of Emotional Abuse? be disastrous. This mental disorders (insomnia, depression, alarming and post-traumatic stress disorder), physical injury or even death, if the aggressor went to physical violence.
The best way to protect yourself from such - time to recognize such a person and to terminate any relationship with him. That's the phrases and actions that give
Am I being abused? abyuzera.What signals can not be ignored
Humiliation and criticism
The aggressor will certainly try to undermine your self-esteem. And that's how he will do it.
1. "Porosonochek you're my ..."
At first openly insult the sacrifice abyuzer will not, otherwise it goes wrong is troubled and the hook. Therefore, he will submit abuse as something natural or even funny. Do not miss a chance to label mate stupid, loser, or even worse than. If the answer is outraged victim, she said that "I love" and "you do not understand the jokes."
This also includes the seemingly cute, and actually insulting nicknames such as "pampushechka my", "porosonochek", "fool". As a result, the victim gets used to such humiliating wording in your address and begins to think that it is really stupid, fat, and that she does not work.
2. "You're always ..."
Then there can be anything: you are late, stumble, wrong, All ports. Similar remarks are accompanied Tsykanov and Rolling Eyes, and after abyuzer sure to say something like this: "Well, you've got me. What would you do without me (a). " Regularly hear something like that, the victim sooner or later comes to the conclusion that it is really useless and can not cope without their "savior".
3. "It's okay, they're our friends!"
The aggressor can easily be subjected to public humiliation the victim. For example, roughly fun of it in the presence of her acquaintances or ridicule awkwardness. To all claims he will say that nothing in it is not, and funny all times, then it must also be funny.
4. "You're such a make-up in the circus going? Come on, it's just a joke! "
Hard sarcasm, stupid jokes that are actually insultsPacked into a third-humor, - all this love abyuzery used to destabilize the victim and make her feel worthless. If she starts complaining, make sure you hear that all is not well understood and, in general, can not be so vulnerable.
5. "Others in your age already make millions"
None achievement not impress abyuzera.
- Raised on the job? Late in the day, of course, but nothing for you and this is commendable.
- He received the prize in an important competition? What are you so happy, it's not a victory.
- It managed to prepay mortgage? Yes, you certainly helped parents.
After such statements people, of course, is not pleased, and thinks that his achievements really are ridiculous and do not mean anything.
6. "Do not waste your time on this garbage!"
If the victim has a hobby, abyuzer not miss a chance to make fun of him in every way. Because his task - to deprive the victim of his own life and interests, so she spent time and effort on it alone.
The control
Abyuzery use any tricks to subdue the partner itself, deprive him of his will and make feel ashamed for any fault - real or imagined.
7. "Where are you? Why do not you take the tube at once? "
toxic Partner seeks to track every step of the victim. It requires her to report on the affairs and movements, annoying calls and messages. Can put on the phone programs that control location. Can monitor the victim personally. In short, doing everything to "toy" is not used to run away and feel on a short leash.
8. "Yes, I read the messages in your phone. And what of it? "
Abyuzery without a twinge of conscience can lead his victim digital surveillance. Read messages in social networks and messengers, to listen to the phone, check the browser history. In some cases they even need to provide them with passwords and invade the privacy of the victim openly.
9. "This is a common money. I had to ask? "
emotional abusers did not consider it necessary to take into account the opinion of the victim and make decisions unilaterally. They are behind the partner to carry out some common operations with money. Can cancel for another record to the doctor, to refuse an invitation to a holiday, to express dissatisfaction with the boss because the victim spend at work too much time. In short, they behave as if they were half has no rights.
10. "No, I will not give you money. Again spend on nonsense "
Financial Abuse - one of the favorite arm of the aggressors. If the victim does not have its income (unemployed, housewife, mother on maternity leave), its starting to reproach money, to deprive of Finance for "faults" or issue a tiny amount, which is really nothing on enough.
But even when it comes to running and financially independent, abyuzer still find how to leave it without funds. Put all the money into your account or stop paying the mortgage total. Just take away everything earned by stating that the partner does not know how handle moneyAnd make accountable for every ruble spent.
11. "Where's my dinner? Now bring it! "
Initially abyuzery often seem cute and harmless, but at some point may begin to communicate exclusively by fiat tone. Do something, give it to immediately go and buy it, do not take more of these medications. The victim expect unquestioning obedience, it is not interested in her opinions and needs.
12. "Again you pisses me off!"
tantrum - unpredictable and totally incommensurate with the actions that cause them - a characteristic feature of the behavior of manipulators. The man who has long been in contact with such a partner, and begins to fear just goes to attention, but would not provoke another explosion. Because cries assault or riots may break out at any moment - enough to return home later than usual, or not to wash the dishes.
13. "You will not work, let's better I '
Abyuzery behave as if the victim is an adult and small child, who can and must indicate that he wear, where to go, whom to be friends, what to do. The opinion of the second party is not considered. This dictatorship is often served under the care of the sauce. The task - to deprive a person of independence and made to believe that he himself no matter what is not capable.
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Instilling a sense of guilt
Wine - a great lever by which a person is very easy manipulate. And abyuzeram well know it.
14. "I see you flirting!"
Victim abyuzera at any time may be wrong, even if it does not know itself. He smiled the waitress? Probably he is trying to flirt. He went to the corporate in a beautiful dress? Well, everything is clear, it is only to the man staring out of the office.
For the "apostate" can install surveillance, he would be forced to defend his every look, a sigh or a smile, for every minute of delay - as if really in something is to blame. And that's not to mention the screams, scandals and ugly scenes, including the public.
15. "Aren `t you ashamed?!"
If the behavior of the victim does not meet the expectations of her partner, she will necessarily tell what she is worthless and how disappointed such a nice person. Doing this will, for example, by long notations and rebuffs.
16. "I do so much for you! And you…"
When the victim attempts to argue, argue, or to defend his point of view controllers often begin to put pressure on the guilt. They make it clear that they are ready to do anything for the relationship, and the second half - just ungrateful bastard who does not value. Incidentally, this technique is very fond of not only toxic partners, but also parents"We have invested so much in love with you! Why do you hate us so much? "
17. "It is your fault!"
It does not matter that it was not going well in life abyuzera - shouted the chief, broke the project, struck the bus, he needs to find someone to blame. And this role is usually chosen someone helpless and dependent, who can not give a proportionate response or send away.
Isolation and rejection
Abyuzery often try to embroil partner with friends and family, to leave the work force. In short, make sure that the victim was left alone, without anyone's support.
18. "You were given these friends. Let's spend time together "
Abyuzeru disadvantageous to his "property" was in the rear of a loved one. After all, they may notice his inappropriate behavior before blinded by feelings of the victim, and her wise escape. Therefore, the emotional abuser is very important to stand between her and her half circle. He will adjust it against friends, quarrels with relatives, directly or indirectly interfere with communication. For example, will convince the victim that her family does not like him and unjustly offended, or that friends really envy her.
19. "I do not want to talk to you"
One type of emotional abuse - ignore. For any "offense" the victim is punished coldness and detachment. It is being deliberately deprived of affection or sex, with her stop talking, it literally cease to notice, if it is empty space. If people are not yet living together, abyuzer may disappear from the radar and stop responding to calls.
As a result, the victim experiences a very rich palette of negative feelings - from discomfort to despair - and after some time, ready to beg for forgiveness, but would not feel rejected. And abyuzer generously forgives her to after some time give her emotional swings again.
20. "You cry? Well, okay"
From abyuzera not wait genuine warmth and support. If your partner is upset and is going through difficult times, emotional abuser can easily ignore it is to pretend not to notice, or to say that he has no right to feel that He feels.
depreciation
Abyuzer is trying to make the victim feel insignificant and worthless.
21. "Big deal! This isnt a problem? "
The victim tells his partner about something important for her divided feelings, and he his whole appearance shows that it is folly. This behavior is called depreciation. It can get very hurt and undermine the sense of self-worth.
Depreciation can be expressed not only verbally. There are more gestures like the rolling of eyes, sniffing and Tsykanov.
22. "You take things too much to heart"
Such phrases can be a sign gazlaytinga - manipulation, by means of which the victim tries to convince her inadequacy. To make believe that it is too vulnerable and impressionable or even come up with something that is not. Typical phrases gazlaytera: "You're exaggerating," "You just thought!", "Do not be so nervous!", "Why did you invent?".
If abyuzera pin down hard facts, it is still up to the last will deny that offended you, raised his hand, watched, or hiding money. Or will Enrage and declares that it is the victim drove him to sin, and therefore she is to blame. All this is necessary in order to destabilize the partner and obtain his resignation.
What to do if you are in a relationship with abyuzerom
Julia Hill
Psychologist, A member of Professional Psychotherapeutic League, blogger.
Why it is difficult to break off relations
1. Man feels a strong attachment to his partner-abyuzeru.
2. Abyuz perceived as a concern: "Where are you going?", "When you?", "Do not talk to her / him."
3. The man did not notice any violenceBecause he was in a familiar childhood scenarios. Partner reminds him of a parent.
A parent may be called abyuzerom if it is imperious, strict, makes back-breaking requirements for the child who suffers alcohol dependence, anxiety and controlling. Love is associated with violence, and that such a scenario lays the foundation for all future relationships. Escape from abyuzera - is like a parent to give up.
To rebuild the usual scenario, will have to go back in time. Because in dealing with abyuzerom man trying to solve children's problems. Often, after a break of one such relationship, he immediately falls in others. Simply, for example, there is already a husband does not drink and does not hit, and jealous and controls every step.
What to do
1. Turn to a psychologist. This is the most effective, but not always accessible way.
2. Find in his stories of who was the source of belief "love - violence." Think about interaction with any of your loved ones resembles current relationship with a partner. It is not always easy to do, because the mind is there to protect from traumatic memories. Often people say, "Nothing like this has not been," "I do not remember." This is normal. So you are not yet ready to face the strong feelings.
3. To understand that partner - a replacement of your parent. Children can not love my mom and dad, because they are dependent on them. The child's mind is very adaptable, and even allows you to cling to those adults who are beaten and insulted.
Your inner child does not want violence, he wants love. But your understanding of it, or is abused, or comes after it.
But now you're an adult and have the right to choose to tolerate or not to tolerate unhealthy relationship. Try to realize that your choice of partner is not due to love, and the desire to complete the children's script. Then you will see more in the whole situation and will be easier to cope with it.
4. Get rid of the guilt. Sometimes it is simply enough to understand it and analyze it. Guilt arises because of your belief that, just because you are turning, you're worth it, you do something wrong and you do not need anyone else.
5. Expand social circle, which is often limited in its relations with abyuzerom. New friends and experience will help to realize their self-worth, to strengthen self-esteem and coping with fear lonelinessWhich often occurs as a result of paragraph 4.
Not all people are ready to build a healthy and equal relationships. Share this article on social networks to your friends and family know, from whom better to stay away, and do not spend their lives and health on abyuzerov.
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