No romance: what a co-dependent relationship and why it is necessary to tie them

We all have different ideas about the ideal relationship. Someone is sure to pair one must give, and the other - to take. One participant - to be strong and responsible, and the other - the weak and helpless. Then people will complement each other, and relationships are obtained harmonious. But in fact, these partners could be called a co-dependent. And it's not healthy and not romantic.

What is codependency and how it works

The term "codependency" was originally usedWhat is codependency? to those who are in a relationship with a person suffering from addiction: alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling. But this concept has a broader meaningDefinition of codependency - an unhealthy dependence on another person, often emotional and sometimes financial or even physical.

Best of all, this type of relationship describedKarpman Drama Triangle psychological model called Karpman triangle. The people involved in it, choose a one of three roles: victim, persecutor or rescuer.

• Victim - a weak and miserable man, who suffers from a persecutor of action wants to shift responsibility to each other and in need of help.
• Pursuer - terrorizing the victim, points to its drawbacks and enjoy it.
• Savior - it helps the victim and protects her from the pursuer and feel like a hero.

Most interesting is that in co-dependent relationships people can alternately try on all these roles. For example, home tyrant first humiliates and beats his wife, and then becomes a victim and says that she brought him, and in the final This trohaktnoy plays himself comforting a woman gives flowers and gifts, declaration of love - and thus turns into a savior.

And is formed by co-dependency. People turn in Karpman triangle, play selected roles - sometimes they remain unchanged for a long time, sometimes changing.

Scripts can be not as dramatic as in the case of domestic violence or alcoholism, but still painful. For example, one of the partners is constantly save and protect others from the outside world (bad bosses evil people), listening to his complaints, comforting, support, ready to leave everything and rushed to the help. The second side is getting used to it and said something to take for granted. And when the savior will not be able once again to rescue her, it will be very disappointed and angry. And the roles are reversed: the savior will become a victim, and she - in the pursuer.

Codependency can be not only lovers but also friends, colleagues, parents and their adult children.

Where does codependency

This type of relationship is typical for people who grew up in is not the most affluent families. It is not just about situations where someone from the adults drank, beat the child and the house reigned unhealthy situation. By codependency inclined children of authoritarian parents, those who are too took care ofThose who grew up with a seriously ill relatives. Such a person has a problem with its own borders, there is no clear idea of ​​his "I", and it is easily dissolved in a partner.

Julia Hill

Psychologist, A member of Professional Psychotherapeutic League, blogger.

As a rule, there is no way that one person tends to codependency, and his partner - not. People originally subtle signs identify and find a man who will allow them to maintain their mental health needs in a relationship. For example, the son of domineering mother certainly choose a woman, not like a parent: quiet, modest, flexible. That it would become a victim, and he - home tyrant, jealous, controlling, criticizing.

Or daughter of an alcoholic will pay attention to a man strong, responsible, and then their relationship will keep on the struggle for power. Or, conversely, an intelligent, helpless in the home, and then it will be his "mother-savior." Both the script with his daughter alcoholic has the potential to result in drunkenness husband.

How do you know that you are co-dependent relationship

Sacrificial love is often romanticized as relationships, full of suffering, and fiery hot quarrel reconciliation. Therefore, even if a person is unhappy, he did not always realize that his pair is something wrong. These symptoms should alert you codependency:

• You do not feel joy, if you can do something good for your partner.
• You're afraid to make decisions.
• Save the relationship, even if they are causing you pain.
• Willing to sacrifice everything, even their principles, as long as the other person happy.
• partner interests important to you own.
• You feel guilty if you do something for yourself.
• Do not talk about your feelings and needs.
• panic fear parting and it feels like the end of the world.
• You think are solely responsible for the other person and without you it with anything not cope.
• You are often jealous.
• You constantly need to know where is your half, and what it does.
• Do you think that the power to influence the other person to change their behavior and attitudes to be harnessed.
• Ready at any cost to maintain a favorable climate in the relationship.
• Do not see the point in anything other than the relationship, you do not feel full beyond.
• Keenly watch the mood of his pair and think that it depends on your actions and deeds.
• We are confident that you and only you can make the partner happy.
• You have no classes and interests, which are not connected with your loved one.

What's wrong with codependency

Description codependency someone may seem like an ideal scenario melodrama. They love to loss of reason, dissolve in each other and are willing to do anything for his love. But all is not so rosy. Codependent relationships often turn into suffering for both sides.

• People completely lose themselves and their boundaries. Those who prefer the role of a victim or rescuer, abandoning their desires, needs and interests, because they find that their partner is waiting for this from them, it would be better. They can even sacrifice their careers or destroy relationships with friends and family.
• Victim instead of solving their problems simply shifts the responsibility to the savior. They very quickly get used to this-shuffling, and as a result become helpless and unfit for life. All this, sooner or later will turn disappointment, despair and depression.
• The persecutors also deprive themselves of the opportunity to build a normal relationship - family, work or friendships. Friends, colleagues and loved ones will leave him and try not to deal with him. Unless it will be the same co-dependent.
• Such relationships are at the heart abyuza. It brings together different types of violence: emotional, physical, financial. Abyuzery want full control over their partner and achieve it by any means. They put on a mask of pursuer and torture victim, occasionally turning into her own savior. This vicious triangle - one of the reasons why abyuzivnye relationship so difficult to break.

What to do if you are co-dependent relationship

Julia Hill

There are a few tips:

1. Realize that your relations are developing according to the scenario Karpman triangle. This is a major step. Since the propensity to codependent behavior is formed in childhood, people believe that it should be. He can not imagine love without suffering, self-sacrifice, spasitelstva and total control.

2. Analyze that remind you of your current relationship. Who of your loved ones a similar story was repeated in the childhood? What you are trying to "play" in adult life?

3. Be prepared for the parting. The co-dependent relationship with one of the partners always have an idea "about the magic power of love": that his love and care can change another. This illusion allows for a very long time to exist in codependency.

If you realize that you are in a pathological relationship scenarios, even changing their behavior and started to designate their own borders, you will encounter manipulations by the partner. This can be either aggression, blackmail ( "I'll kill myself if you leave"), or remorse, guilt ( "I'll change, I'll do anything to be together").

You can change yourself, but you can not change the other. With this intention you will again plunge into Karpman triangle. Therefore, the best way to have a healthy relationship - is to get out of the old and start new ones. In between visiting a psychologist to work out once and for all his desire to donate and help.

Codependency is often disguised as a romantic scenario. That's why people do not immediately realize that he had fallen into a trap. Share this article on social networks to your friends and family know when it is time to sound the alarm.