"Our pair would be ideal, if not for you." Why does not need to be changed for the sake of the partner
A Life Autos / / December 19, 2019
Why the change - not always well
People change, it is inevitable. Every day, many factors affect us, which can make the act quite differently in the different aspects of our lives. Instagram saw a cute haircut - went to the hairdresser. Stumbled upon a video about the dangers of sugar - redrew your diet. Thinking about prosperity in retirement - lower stop money on all sorts of nonsense.
In relationships, people are also changing, especially in the long-term. Partners somehow affect each other. For example, if one likes hiking and the other they never went, he can fall in love with this type of holiday and share the passion of their halves. You Sunbathing idea or decide to try something new, or revise their attitude to something received from a partner new data.
Problems begin when your pair is divided into a fine mate, which is good as it is, and you do not quite live up to the ideal.
Mila Kudriakov
Psychologist.
If your partner openly or covertly tells you: "I will not change, I'm all right, but you have a problem, you need to work on yourself" - is an alarming signal.
Relationship - a difficult process, because involves the establishment of close communication between people who usually already have the baggage of injuries and complexes. Stage of love is often a projection: we like the other things that are pleasing in itself. And when this period passes, it opens a real person with his own limitations. And we need these restrictions somehow do - just like it with ours. That there are two people, make concerted efforts to pass this way attunement.
But when the partner refuses to accept responsibility and change with you, it is an occasion to reflect on how it is at all interested in you.
In this case, the idea of change is not discussed in the form of a dialogue when both talk about their feelings, feelings, discuss inconsistencies. Here in the course are the pressure and manipulation. Partner can permanently:
- Hint: "I'm so bored. I am sorry that you're leaving again to friends. "
- Compare: "You would have cost to go to the gym. Here Masha went. See how it looks cool. "
- Bargaining: "If dyed blonde, married."
- Threaten: "If you do not stop watching football, I go away from you."
And it is unpleasant, dishonest and destructive.
Tatyana
Could rebel against change.
We have been together for four years. The exact moment when it's "no, now you will be a" a relationship, I do not remember, but it was due to my figure. I arranged my weight and appearance. But one evening I decided to eat yogurt and heard: "You do not need to eat yogurt, and engage in sports," I felt hurt, but I do not attach importance to him.
Then hints about my bad shape became more frequent. I looked in the mirror and saw there fat. Somehow I did not think my boyfriend ofigel. I thought he was trying for me, so I make comments, make go to training and jokes about my fat hands with his friend.
Then to the cavils about the weight added complaints to the way I express my thoughts, when we find out the relationship. It sounded something like this: "Oh, why do not you will not, as usual, a three-hour stretch his speech. Do you have a minute to say whatever you want, or I'm not going to listen! " quarreled We, by the way, due to the fact that it makes me play sports, but I did not want to.
To attempt to make me an athlete (which eventually turned out) added the desire to make me beautiful and stylish. He made fun of my things, said that my style is like a grandmother and need to change it. I cried, but agreed.
One gets the impression that I was suffering all the time, but it is not. I felt happy, sometimes he just said to me that something is wrong. Now I know that because of his childhood and the problems that it has generated, I am inclined to enter into co-dependent relationships, and merge with a partner.
I never told anyone that I have going on in the relationship, because everything seems to be well. The first mother noticed. She had said, "It puts pressure on you?" I joked. Then I saw on the internet the word "abyuzer"Many of the characteristics agreed. But I did not want to believe that the man I love, so can themselves lead me. I honestly thought I was bad: I brake, I am lazy, kid, I'm afraid all I eat too much, run too low, and so on.
Then I began to slouch. More precisely, I always hunched and knew about it, but I did not care quite stoop. But my partner decided to take everything into their own hands and remind me of it every day. He mocked me, cursed, into quarrels I mentioned that does everything for me, and I, "I can not keep your back straight." Once I asked him when we get married, he said that when I will go smoothly.
At some point, I broke down. I became obsessed with the idea that I would be fat and he will not love me. I cried after the meal, every day looking at yourself in the mirror and hated her stomach. But the partner kept saying something like, "Look, I'm trying for you, all for you."
Three months before the separation, I realized that I do not have anything to do with this man. I do not understand how we educate children, because the approaches we are different. But I was afraid to leave.
Once it so happened that I have decided to address to the psychotherapist. I had 10 sessions, after which I began to ask myself questions. Who am I without a relationship? From what I own? And what I can myself? I'll do something in life?
One day I was like spring straightened. I looked at all the relationships and understand that love - is the "I accept you for who you are and do not want change." Realized that "well, we're four years together" is not an argument, and I wanted to be equal. I was born into a riot. It was terrible to say: "I see no point in continuing," but I could.
What do you get when you change yourself for a partner
Time wasted
At the beginning of the relationship because of the hormonal surge of people see everything through rose-colored glasses: partner seems charming, and his eccentricities - lovely. On this illusion works and what people often want to look better than it actually is, and conceal some of the habits and character traits. Gradually the euphoria begins to take place and a partner - to show his dark side. And if it is something you categorically do not like, it is an occasion to look for a suitable person, not to reshape itself.
Catherine Matsapura
A clinical psychologist.
falling in love period charm and passes quickly, and couples are faced with the fact that ideal people do not exist. The Prince is not the horse, and the princess was a dragon. And, for example, lightness and sensuality transformed into irresponsibility and tearfulness.
If your other half is constantly dissatisfied with your appearance, character or hobby, then such a person is unlikely to make you happy. Harmonious relations are based on mutual acceptance, support, understanding and sincerity. Constant demands "become the ideal, to others as I want" never lead to good, anyway.
internal conflict
You can try to adjust to the requirements of the partner, but it will not only mean giving up some habits, but more profound changes. The totality of your personality traits and attitudes - it is you. When they started to inner transformation, it happens organically. But pressure from the destroying you, turning in some other person.
Andrei Smirnov
Psychologist, Psychotherapist.
Any change in itself - it is violence and all forms of violence leads to tensions. Of course, something can be a slight change in yourself, if the partner requests and it is not very difficult. But do not change the serious things, even for the sake of a loved one, as dissolution in a partner means a loss of ourselves as individuals.
Choosing a change from the sticks, you are cheating partner. According to psychologist Christina Kostikova, it will still be a mask that will not last long. In this case, a person can stay in the illusion that this is your true identity. When the mask subside, the problem will reappear.
But cheating partner here - the lesser evil. Much worse, you give up yourselves.
Christina Kostikova
Psychologist.
Change for the sake of the partner - then agree that your true identity does not interest him. Putting on a mask, you settle inside tension, which eventually will lead to personal conflicts.
Moreover, if you do not allow yourself to be present and to build equal relations with a partner, you join with him in codependency: start to lose themselves and more and more dependent on the other.
low self-esteem
Difficult to maintain self-confidence, if you ever hear that from you that something is wrong. And even if you start to change for the approval of the partner, the situation is not correct. So you just pass the control of your sense of self to another person: praise - everything is fine, scolded - all bad. your borderline personality erased.
Elena
Raised complexes in destructive ways.
The guy was from St. Petersburg, I'm from the million-plus city, and it was my first serious relationship. Like and love I admit it, but strongly wanted to change a lot in my appearance. For example, a bang. He considered it a sign of provintsialschiny. Jiving me about it. And when I saw that my friend with cholkami, so in general was terrible.
Then somehow I attached to my thighs. He said that I have breeches. At 22, and with 52 kilos of weight. The funny thing is that his mother was just a couple of hours after they met told me: "You know, because you planned breeches. For this it is necessary to follow. "
It's a shame it was that I thought hillbillies. He was born and lived in St. Petersburg. So what? Firstly, Kolpino. Plus he was from working professionals, not burdened by special knowledge and education. To put it mildly, not an art historian at the Hermitage. Yes, and not Mr. Olympia.
I remember, and still creepy. And then I had almost no experience of relations and believed that everything is fine. This gave birth to a bunch of systems. At first I did not understand: my current husband in me like everything, or it just is silent and then it all begins again. I was lucky that the guy just freaked out when I had to translate the relations to a new level, and merged. I was very nervous, but then I realized that it was all over when it should.
Depression
Internal discomfort and stress, self-esteem and border issues, merge with a partner and co-dependent relationships - all this contributes to depressed state with all the consequences. In this situation, for the speedy healing would be good to have a close understanding and supportive partner, but you do not.
Ivan
It is still not overcame the consequences of breaking themselves.
In the last year of high school I fell in love with a woman a little older. In the first months of euphoria, but then went to the problem. It ceased to hold that I do not get the money, and the most prestigious profession that until the end of the study can not apply for any job in the field of trade (then it was fashionable), but less than two jobs I did not have never.
The farther away, the more stimuli appear: do not live, so do not work there, outlook on life I did not like that. It would seem, did not work - it is necessary to disperse. But I am too much in love, and she too tried to mold me into the perfect man, who lives in her head. So claims the flow did not stop and was decorated in "If you want to be with me, then ..."
I thought of sharing my happiness away, just a little bit, you only need to fix something that hurts so much beloved. But in reality, the more I tried to match the incomprehensible ideal, the worse it gets, and our relationship, and my state of health - both mental and physical.
We parted almost a year. She then left, then he came back. Each time the "forever". I have a few more years, "recovered" from the relationship and all the time to even look at women could not.
Wanting to please a loved one, I tried to radically change themselves. And as a result - severe depression with all the pies: my true essence, my "I" demanded one, and I myself was trying to send a completely different way. Reverse himself and did not work, but the negative effects of those relationships I feel so far, although 10 years have passed.
autodestruction
Not everyone will respond enthusiastically to the call partner to change. As noted by psychologist Svetlana Bibikov, a person with self-esteem reacts to attacks in their favor, even from the beloved as an alarm. Survival instinct says that his self-esteem, a sense of integrity in jeopardy. On request and hints about changing himself, he answers: "I like to be so" or "I do not think so," or seriously thinks about whom he is close.
So that the pressure and manipulation partner should lie on fertile ground. If it turned out - means the person was already vulnerable. Low self-esteem, emotional instability, complexes, fear of abandonment played here against him.
Anton Andrianov
Psychologist.
The desire to change for the sake of someone means no love. And without it, no matter how a person may be another, and no matter how much has changed, it still will not feel the way, in his opinion, his partner wants to see. And this will cause anxiety and lead to a condition where the ambient seems hostile. Lost trust in the world, and the person begins to look for ways to mute this state. Usually with the help of drugs, alcohol or other addictions.
Abyuz
When your partner insists on changes, it does not necessarily mean that it is something specific to you do not like. Perhaps he was just testing the boundaries, check how much you are willing to bend over backwards.
Total control and constant criticism are part of the classic scenario of action emotional abuser. Only it is just what is important not to make changes, and to destroy you as a person. Of course, this is no good end can not.
How to distinguish between their own desire for change by the imposed
It is not always obvious why you conceived the idea that it was time to change something. Psychologists in such cases are advised to listen to yourself. Catherine Matsapura proposes to assess how much you want this change, if the problem is in you and that will be valid if you change.
Catherine Matsapura
Remember, a person who needs to change, there is always a reason for dissatisfaction. Most likely, all the problems of the partner will be associated only with you. You will be the cause of all troubles, because you are "not so". And as much as possible to go on about, and the list of problems will only increase.
When we do something sincerely wish, we do it with a smile. Lose Weight and thank yourself for every discarded grams, teach the language and have fun, put things in order and to dance. A manipulation, tend to cause lethargy, loss of interest in life and a sense of oppression.
Clinical psychologist Eugene Lyutova advises using exercise "Elevator". It explains how to carry it out, as an example of the situation of purchase of tea in the store when you can not decide and think whether he will or you are a victim of advertising needs.
Eugene Lyutova
A clinical psychologist.
If doubted, visualize that your body from head to toe - a elevator shaft, and in my head you own elevator. At the booth you mentally puts that same packet of tea. Lift slowly goes down and your body reactions take place, who will talk about whether you like the idea of actually buy tea or not. Whether these reactions are similar to those that you feel when you there is something cool?
Lift must reach down and climb back. During this time, you will understand what is actually going. Similarly, you can make any changes in yourself, to see if this would be desirable or not.
If you want a quick fix, you can always just ask yourself, "Why?" If only for a partner you do not fall out of love, praise, not abused, it is a bad motivation.
Why do not all requests for change bad partner
We partner may arise ideas, fantasies and desires without the purpose to make you a different person. For ordinary "Look, what a cool hairstyle, I think you would fit" may be hiding different. Maybe it's just an exclamation and a desire to try all nice to you - well, for someone else, you are the closest. On the other hand, it may just be the start of pressure. Innocent remark, then stories about friends who have so shorn and they really goes, and then reproaches: 'Look how badly you look, there to get a haircut. "
Sometimes a partner may ask you about the changes that will benefit - and for you, not him. In particular, we are talking about the nervousness with which you can not handle yourself.
For example, if someone had jealous and wants to partner always and quickly pick up the phone, did not go anywhere without it and did not communicate with the opposite sex, this is a very questionable requirement. By agreeing to them, a man not only breaks himself, but also feeds neurosis jealous.
Maria Ėril
Psychologist, psychotherapist, business coach. Head of "The Psychology of Communication» Business Speech companies.
But there is a back story, when your partner says to the other: "I would like you to be changed, and so has ceased to be jealous of me. I see the jealousy you harass me and destroy our relationship. "
This is an example of constructive changes. Because jealousy - a feeling that is based on low self-esteem, and it will need to work in order to become a harmonious personality.
What if the partner is absolutely requires you to change
There is an old joke: "Our pair would be ideal, if not for you." And if you are under the influence of the partner you recognize yourself for this "if not you," this is a serious reason to think about whether to maintain these relationships.
Catherine Matsapura
Flee from a relationship in which you are "wrong" people. Adult as a person, develop and make yourself happy in the first place. Take care, love, give warmth. Be honest, do not play the role of someone else's. Strong relationship - it is work on yourself, that respect the interests of the other, and the recognition of its value for what it is. Surround yourself with like-minded people, an active holiday. Change for the better, but only for themselves.
More recently it was considered perfectly normal to require a person to give up all the interests and habits after the wedding, or the beginning of the relationship. And the ability to manipulate still served as the secret of a long marriage. Share this article to tell you: it is not. Love does not require any special sacrifice. You can just find the right person to you and be happy.
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