Why you do not need to raise self-esteem

It is difficult to imagine how much the market of psychological services offerings associated with increased self-esteem. Lectures, seminars, trainings, group - thousands of them. People are asked to think about the achievements, write annual reports on the busy life, to aim high, to praise himself in the mirror and love yourself completely. However, Thus Spoke Zarathustra, a symbol of life - scales, and this HYIP around self-esteem themes creates an unhealthy imbalance.

Why raise the self-esteem is not always helpful

This makes it difficult to recognize the existence of problems and their responsibility for their

Each person decides for himself whether his figure for his social status, financial situation and the state of privacy issue. A man may be quite satisfied with his life and not be considered a reason to be upset excess weight, lack of relationships or low incomes. But if a person has decided that the current situation does not suit him, and he wants to live differently - perhaps he should stay away from training to enhance self-esteem. After all, one of the most common means of overcoming low self-esteem - change

system of values.

The easiest way to not feel bad for some of its quality - to cease to consider it detrimental quality.

Whatever decreased self-esteem, no matter what was perceived as a drawback - there exists a subculture that this trait presents as an advantage.

"Fat", "beggar" and "lonely" easily becomes a "real man", "honest proletarian" and "bachelor of life". Or in a modern way, "activist Fat-acceptance movement", "downshifter" and "hikikomori".

If a person wants to become acquainted with someone, start a relationship, and this is trying to raise his self-esteem, he least expects that as a result of self-esteem it will be more difficult or no longer want meet. Increase self-esteem for him - a tool, not a goal. But if it is proposed to increase self-esteem through the "self-acceptance" and "overcoming the imposed views on the necessity of relations" - it is possible that by the end of this process, it really would be better to treat yourself, that's just the relationship and not will get a. The problem of self-esteem substitute a goal - to create a relationship.

"Unconditional acceptance of yourself as you are" - a nice slogan, but a bad foundation for growth and development.

Of course, it is worth mention that there is a rational grain in these movements. Creating cultures and spaces in which people relax from the pressure ratings of public and approves the scales - it is good and useful. But this anesthesia can be greatly abused. Accustomed to the problem "decide" not through the recognition of weaknesses and work on them, and through the selection of a nice name what is happening, the person loses touch with reality. Exacerbates old problems and creates new ones. In turn, this increases the desire to avoid responsibility for the problem solving and to declare that it is not a problem at all, and fashioned lifestyle.

This creates high expectations of themselves and of life

High self often accompanied by proportionally high expectations. It is even used as a method of its increase: think about what you want, feel that you deserve it. There is an unpleasant dissonance: an idea of ​​what I deserve and how you want to live inside the head has changed. But life outside is in no hurry to change. And now the same old life, which is still large enough, it begins to seem terrible. I deserve more! Where is it, it's more than that?

The situation is exacerbated the prevalence of the myth that high self-esteem works magically. It is worth it to grow - and career, personal life, sexual attraction, financial well fly off like a magnet. When this happens, the person is severely affected. Sometimes it is impossible to use suffering as a motivator. And then comes the next history of success. Much more often it is exhausting human suffering. Leaving with nothing unpleasant life now, the lack of long-awaited success and self-esteem through the floor collapsed.

Because of this, there is a "duty to a"

According to the laws of psychological genre, where power and responsibility there. If a person wants to feel that controls everything in his life itself, all of a cool and independent, then with high self-esteem he gets a sense of duty. In the tradition of the principle of "if you're so smart, why are you so poor?" People feel that they must maintain or achieve self-assessment of the relevant statements lifestyle.

The logic is this: as a person with high self-esteem, I can not afford to go to a cheap and shabby clothes. I eat too, of course, it should be in elite restaurants. Well, where do staid man but without luxury fitness with a personal trainer? The question of whether to remain after compliance with this view of themselves money, remains open. People who borrowTo maintain the style of life, more than you might think.

When the useful lower self-esteem

Okay, increase self-esteem - a double edged sword. In it there are hidden dangers and disadvantages. But what, then, decrease in self-esteem? And why is it necessary? It sounds unpleasant. This is what, to think bad about yourself?

Of course not, it's not about how to think about the bad. The thing is that sometimes it is useful to recognize their shortcomings, constraints and the impact on their lives of external circumstances, including other people. Let us examine an example.

The classic problem of low self-esteem is considered to be the inability to refuse. Like, if we raise the self-esteem, skill will defend the border. Sounds logical. Exactly to the moment when you do not ask a person who can not deny that he feels when he tries to refuse. Because it will tell you that is afraid to offend the other, fears that there will be bad, if he refuses, afraid that it will put pressure and force to accept.

Wait, does this person low self-esteem? He believes that is so important to people, his words have such a destructive force, and his work is so essential that if he once denied - and all the world will collapse.

All will be offended, to grieve, to get angry, to break off relations, work crumble, disintegrate agreement. And it's low self-esteem? This person is also a need to pick it up? So he decided that if he refused the heat death of the universe come?

Perhaps the more useful it would be to lower self-esteem. Of course, admit that you are not as important to others, so they overreact to your refusal, can be frustrating. But the realization that you do not have a special power over people around and relieves from responsibility for their emotional state. If I do not really so important to my words people scattered in the dust, so I can say what I want and I consider it necessary. Is not it, it's much less intense picture of the world?

Discoverer learned helplessness and author of "How to learn optimism" Martin Seligman identifies two styles of perception of the world. One - pessimistic, associated with attribution of responsibility for everything that happens currently. The second - an optimistic, is associated with the ability of others to blame people and circumstances. On the set of experimental data shows that optimistic explanatory style makes life man better not only in the categories of psychological and social dispensation, but even in the sense of state health.

Is it safe to build self-esteem so

Council blaming others seem paradoxical, dangerous, even harmful. The concept is familiar to people passing the buck is not worse than the concept of self-esteem. It is therefore important to make a distinction: of course, to shift the responsibility for all the troubles on something external and never feel affecting their lives - it is bad and harmful. It is not about how to get rid of responsibility, and under the motto of worthlessness spend life blaming others.

The thing is that the best self-esteem - is adequate.

And in the modern world full of ideas on how to increase it, particularly useful at times to remember that many of the problems are solved not through an increase, and a decrease in self-esteem. After a modest recognition of their sensitivity to other people's words and actions. Its dependence on any relationship. Not only through the adoption, but also through the return of the people around responsibility for how they affect you. Through awareness limbs of their resources and re-evaluate his life and success in light of the fact that you're not Superman, not a god, and not even a rabbit with battery Energizer. Do you have weaknesses, needs, and the final amount of strength, and you are responsible to themselves for something to take care of themselves.