How to stop blaming yourself all the deadly sins

Guilt is not always in front of a healthy manifestation of self-criticism. When it turns into permanent self-flagellation, it is time to pay attention to it and start to do something. Find out where does the feeling and how to cope with them, will help the psychologist Naomi Raine, who in his book "How to love yourself"Describes in detail how to make friends with their inner feelings and what is their cause.

Where is the line between healthy self-criticism and self-flagellation

We were told since childhood that praise himself - embarrassing, but criticize popridiratsya yes - a good thing. These accusations are so become a habit that you do not know where did make a mistake, and where from you nothing depended. But extreme always stays in your head once you.

If you only have two minutes to come up with a thousand and one reason why it is you are guilty of this or that situation, it's time to deal with the level of criticism.

allegedlyTackling Self-Blame and Self-Criticism: 5 Strategies to Try

psychologists, there is a big difference between a logical explanation for the negative result of certain factors and a constant search for the culprit, who are most likely to you. The second option - a habit, assimilated from childhood, that it is time to leave in the past.

Here are some typical examples of the charges themselves without reason:

• "I do not have a job because interviewer I realized that I was a wimp and a loser. "
• "We broke up, because it's too hard to love me."
• "I should not even try to get a raise, because I'm not good enough for the job."

Assessing how different actions affect the outcome, you will see the situation from a completely different side. To better understand what happened, ask yourself these questions:

1. What exactly in this situation depended on you?
2. That depended on other persons participating in it?
3. What are your actions have affected the outcome?
4. What actions of others affect the outcome?
5. That at this point you can change?

Objective answers to them will see if you are really as bad as they are saying.

What causes charges

echoes of the past

Any trait or characteristic behavior have origins in childhood. They are formed at birth and is largely dependent on what and who surrounds child. The same can be said about the habit of blaming yourself.

Naomi Raine is actively developing the theory of internal figures and believes that any heavy shock in childhood the child must be fully survive, otherwise it hurts the child's psyche.

To survive - then tell someone an adult who understands, comfort and protection. Cry, tease, be afraid in the arms of someone the child loves and trusts. Hear words of encouragement, explanation of what is happening. Feel good, valuable, expensive.

Naomi Raine

But often in life everything is completely different. At best, parents simply do not take the side of the child or do not pay enough attention to his feelings, at worst - are themselves a source of threats, violence and humiliation. Parents may blame the child, shame, deny, devalue its senses and stop that forms in addition a strong opinion that he is poor and he is guilty. After all, the parents - it's the closest people who are always right and knows everything. Then in the child appears Prosecutor. And as an adult, he shames, berates and criticizes itself.

internal figures

Occurring within the Prosecutor - is not the only figure who can play a role in our behavior. Psychologists distinguish three main internal figures: child, parent oppress and loving mother.

Inner Child - is feelings, desires, energy, Interest, inspiration, creative ideas, intuition, spontaneity and immediacy.

Depressing parent - is the part of the person who is responsible for the standards of morality, the scope of the rules and their enforcement. This figure can criticize, criticize, demand expected to condemn, blame, shame, punish and stop. She is confident that he always knows how to, and require compliance with these canons. Depressing parent can manifest itself in different guises. It will be the Prosecutor, if the parents are often condemned child as a child, criticism, and if the accused is impaired and the Tyrant, if frightening and overwhelming.

A loving mother - is a constant source of internal support, support and protection. This figure may not be present at all, it must be grown inside, and it will help cope with many problems. Including a perpetual self-incrimination.

How to find a loving Mom and reconcile with the Prosecutor

1. Find someone who will love

But do not rush to the first comer in the search for extraterrestrial feelings and love until the end of time. Start with yourself.

A loving mother - is the acceptance and approval of the various self support themselves any; is the ability to rely on their own resources - not demand and expect from others care and love, and give them to yourself by yourself.

Naomi Raine

That is why those who love - is, first of all, yourself. You need to find the very same Loving Mother, which will be released on contact with the inner child and to protect against the Prosecutor. To do this, learn to listen to the child and to respond to him. Give yourself time, ask yourself about the feelings, comfort, support, wrap yourself in a blanket and drink tea, if it is necessary to the child.

One of the methods that Naomi Raine in his book, is as follows. Person is asked to remember, when there was the most terrible and painful shock to him childhood. After that you need to write a letter on my own at that age myself an adult. You can also write a letter and a response from the senior - the baby. After that you need to analyze the feelings that these letters express. It brings a person to engage in dialogue with his inner child.

2. Reassure Prosecutor

When the contact of Loving Mom with a child will be adjusted, proceed to action. Learning to share and hear these two figures, you easily define and third - order of the Prosecutor. And defuse it can only be clearly understood when inside you can hear his voice.

"Himself to blame! We had to guess at once! Why not thought? That's stupid! "- phrases typical internal Prosecutor. Familiar thoughts?

Hearing something like that, you need to immediately connect the very Loving Mom that you in Kuta plaid. Only now she has to communicate not with child. Clearly let know howling internal Prosecutor that the Child can not touch it, and explain who is actually to blame and blame if (this will help the analysis on from the first paragraph). It will take some time before you learn how to tame the Prosecutor in a jiffy, but Moscow was not built in one day.

3. Do not return to self-flagellation

More importantly, what should be remembered, calming Prosecutor once or twice: this figure - the same part of you as a child and mother. Accordingly, it will not go anywhere and will not disappear, and will always be in control of your actions and to check that everything was done correctly. That is why it is important always to remember that it can and should be put in place.

The prosecutor is on our side. He wishes us well, want to help protect against failure or shame, from risks.

Naomi Raine

However, sometimes it gets out of control and requires hard word Loving Mom. In health authority in the mind of the person it belongs to the centerCenter of personality, or what it means to be harmonious inside. But often, the Prosecutor takes up too much space, claiming the title role, and not listening to anyone. At such moments, it is necessary to stop, to take power and to show that the main thing here still you.

In conclusion, I want to add that the theory of internal figures contains a lot more branches and explains not only the phenomenon of self-flagellation, but also other problems that we face in our behavior. Become more familiar with it, you can read the book "How to love yourself" psychologist Naomi Rhine, which served as the inspiration for writing this article.

Or maybe someone already familiar with this author?