How to survive a divorce: 12 tips from personal experience

I am writing this stuff on the birthday of his daughter, who was nine years old. She and I live in Barcelona, ​​and her Spanish father - in the United States, in Seattle. Today we phoned and congratulated each other on the occasion, recalled how happy when waiting for the appearance of Lucia, as they were in love with her and each other when she was born when the first tooth has got, when run on the promenade of Marbella, when he first said: "I am from Madrid," We are the road to each other and support each solution other. We are living through, when one of us is a difficult moment. But four years ago, our communication was done bitterness, wrath, lust, frustration and toxic fire.

the divorce was his initiative. However, it is difficult to justify to themselves the decision and expect from my Italian temperament scandals. I loved my husband, but clearly understand that if the child is healthy, I am healthy, and we have our own funds - or even to the existence of, and a decent life - then killed I just do not have the right. Therefore, I struggled to hold and not to find out the relationship, not the accused and at the same time does not hide, not a stopper, and the process is not restricted communication with the child. All the formalities - through a family lawyer, all intent - maximum peace. Within six months, was prepared and submitted for the consideration of the text of our

divorce agreement.

It was more difficult when two years later he came back to ask for my hand and did it with a child, and I refused. After the episode of the balance deteriorated for many months. It is very hard - to cope with the emotions of the child who wants to Mom and Dad were together.

All the troubles behind. Now former spouse grateful to me for our peaceful relations. And I told him - because he is a great dad and best explains the physics and mathematics.

Easily it is rare. As the initiator, and the one who dissolves a marriage against their will, have to go through the long burning bridge. Escape dangerous to lose self-control is not allowed.

There are things that do not depend on you, and, even with the correct behavior will be outside of your sphere of control. In my experience - these are the main points that will help relive the event with minimal losses for both sides.

1. If you have children, try to save the marriage

You'll be sure to return to this thought and doubt, if you try everything possible to family rescue.

It does not matter the cost? Keep the letter of the law, and remember that you have to the former spouse for many years to communicate both parents. Overall divorce in a couple with children is not difficult, and easier: more motivation to behave in a civilized manner, not to lose heart and not limp.

2. Do not be greedy, but do not change yourself

Protect the interests of peace and justice, are not guided by resentment and revenge. Remember that life is long. This is the man you have chosen and loved. Some have never in my life did not happen no more love, no marriage, and you are still throwing the bouquet and cut white cake with a knife this "insane", "monster" or whatever you call it is now in talks with third persons.

3. Do not discuss the divorce with everyone

Some people will always try to have a conversation with you about what happens on your partner, on the other divorced couples. Someone will do it without malice, sincerely believing that you need to speak out and cry.

But you do not need it. You do not want to cook in the broth from morning till night. Incessant obmusolivanie will devour you and weaken. Live in the present day. Close the door tightly and do not go more in the closet.

4. Keep your dignity

Do not think that after quarrels, Fights and scandals you have nothing to lose and you can catch up to throw a curse or humiliated. Always have something to lose, especially if we are talking about dignity. How would damp any case at the bottom of this horrible pit, how much or smelled like a cemetery and disgusting may be thoughts about the continuation of life, do not try to dig the earth and have hearts, get out as soon as possible to the top.

5. Not to let the booze, booze or ice jams

do not start smoking, debauchery and squandering, or certainly happen emotional and physical collapse. Just imagine, if you have it all done and now we can move on. Only - a fortune! - you avoid headaches, extra kilos and shame.

6. If really bad, go to a good therapist

Only a doctor who has a goal to cure you and is able to achieve this. Terrible thing - to get caught in such a delicate moment for such a psychologist who prikuot you to the couch digging in childhood and in the past at all. Bogged down as in a swamp, and let the money on something to block currently beginning a new life.

This period just ended. a new beginning. All these shastaniya through the corridors of the past do not need you.

7. Forget the word "analysis" and proceed to action

The more creative actions you perform, the stronger will be your position and the happier - your condition. Activity should be varied - we do not seek sublimation as fanatical immersion in any one ocean.

Work, study, drive, exercise, Communicate, read, watch, absorb the energy of new knowledge and skills.

8. Do not sleep with a former spouse

This is mistake.

9. Do not quarrel with other family members

When it is convenient (namely, when we're looking for a reason to allow yourself to focus), we say that life is short. But do not get fooled by this, I repeat like a mantra: a long life. Do not spread by people, especially when it comes to grandparents children together.

10. Communicate with the opposite sex, but do not rush into a new relationship

Only by becoming for itself the kind of person with whom you would like to be together, you're ready for a new story. Your self-esteem does not depend on you alone or in pairs. This is a very important point.

11. If possible, travel

Travels - great therapy. Best. You can pour in a suitcase a little tears, but then Ride in a new place and enjoy the outlandish speech, imbues beauty. Here, you will not know you are a writer of modern history. The collar pull itself out of the swamp thoughts of past joint voyages.

12. Write down your thoughts and feelings

Keep a notebook and a useful habit to pay the confusion out of your head into words. Set a measurable task: to write two pages, for 10 minutes - as you wish. And write everything, you can not literary.

This exercise is necessary bring relief to and restore a sense of order. Quite possibly, it will stay with you for a long time.

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Today, the whole picture is black and sinister shadows. Ex-wife - a witch, her husband - a werewolf, youth do not return, the future is uncertain to disgust. But just believe me: after 12 months, it all looks different.

And after 16 months, there is interesting: it is a threshold where many former want to go back and try again. But the "again" can not. It can be again. If so - do not rush, you have already been there.

Everyone who goes through a divorce, I wish wisdom and foresight. And a beautiful new life, of course.