As the phrase "girls can not hurt" breaks children's psyche
Relations / / December 19, 2019
Even the terrible parents - torturers, daffodils and others like them - sometimes quite sincerely believe that their actions out of love, to say nothing of normal moms and dads. Imperfect, with their "cockroaches", of course, but not violent, not looped on itself, and the usual - because of their good intentions, too.
But we all know what road is lined with such intentions.
This phrase suggests that the girls that something is wrong
Suppose you came to visit a friend at a party and said to each:
Look, here is my friend Pavlik. So, it can not hurt.
What do you think about Pavlik? Perhaps that Pavlik - aggressive or neurotic, that can be broken at any time (ie Pavlik dangerous), or it is, say, a mentally retarded or disabled (ie not in a position to take responsibility for their actions and / or helpless).
Even if all this is not realized fully, the information the brain still absorbs and analyzes in the background (we call it the subconscious), and a children's growing brains - especially. And phrases like you, in fact, talking about boys, girls - they are not the same as you. They are different. They are either dangerous or, more likely, "defective". Be careful with them.
She unties the hands of cruel girls
This problem is especially evident in the relationship already adult boys and girls. I bet you've heard (or were told), at least one version of the story.
She tells me shit, puts pressure on all the weak points, which knows so well, deliberately provoked, but I am silent and clench my fists. I can not hit a woman. And she sees it and uses it.
I actually think that hit people regardless of gender - rather, it is a bad idea. The last frontier, which makes sense to pass, when the civilized methods, despite all efforts, do not work (and it is impossible to escape) and have to resort to barbaric. Special sense from it, most likely, will not, but I easily imagine a situation where it can be justified.
Here it is about gender bias. He has objective reasons, since most women are not able to adequately fight back, and yes, it is, and it should be considered. But if it were not planted as a child set to "girls can not hurt", and later turned into "women can not be beat", many are inclined to tampering and emotional provocation women (as well as the cruel girl who on the part of the physical forces are almost equal with the boys) would behave much more restrained. Not even because of moral insight, and not to be substituted because they know:
For what I am now I do, and you can get in the face.
Someone will say: "What about domestic violence? Is not this laid in childhood setting is not conducive to a reduction in future interest abusive husbands beating their wives? ". The answer is: no.
Adequate husbands beat their wives, not because they were told as a child so, but because they are adequate and are able to resolve conflicts differently. Inadequate as we can see, it does not stop.
It robs girls of equal status
Remember the example of Pavlik? Which do not touch it, because either a dangerous or defective. With the "dangerous" discussed above, and that, if not dangerous girl in front of a boy? Do not make trouble, no lifts. And with a mind like a normal, arms and legs are, smiles, he says something. Why can other boys to offend, but it and others like it - you can not?
Because weak? Because it is somewhat inferior to me?
Girls still do not have time to nothing, and the boy's advance warning on how to with them (not with all men, and it is with them) is not missing. One gets the feeling that the girl is not quite the person or persons of a particular, obscure variety. That it is helpless, or that of their actions and decisions, she does not answer. That, no matter how it came, she had to forgive everything, everything, and be careful with it.
Boys and girls are different, but we will not help by teaching the boys to think that the girl - it is such a strange creature, which "do not touch it, and it will fall apart." Firstly, it does not fall apart, and secondly, is not it better to develop in the son of kindness, to tell him how to comfort the girl, if you accidentally hurt? And those dancing on tiptoe around the "fragile" princesses longer bring up the girls themselves. For example, make of them manipulative of the preceding paragraph.
She puts the boys in "box masculinity"
I then use a free translation of the phrase man boxThat Tony Porter has used in his speech at TED.
He talks about masculinity and how culture curve criteria it must meet the man, to be regarded as such. A legion of criteria. One of them - resistance. Absolute, almost superhuman.
When we say "you can not hurt the girls' tank line in the form of" a boy - it is possible "suggests itself. Hence, too, comes another crazy phrase - "boys do not cryยป. These phrases, like host or similar, are from the same source and serve the same purpose - to bring "real men" who still suffer, never get upset, do not show emotions and do not have vulnerabilities.
Someone else then wonders why men die earlier.
- What do you do when you feel bad and you are tearing apart?
- Nothing. I suffer.
So you can not live. Anyone. You know all those stories where there lived a boy (which is almost always a boy), so calm and polite, and then he takes a gun and kills 20 people? Excluding clinical psychopaths are born that way, and domestic violence, it seems to me, here it is, the reason. Not only one, but one of the fundamental.
A normal child without the terrible trauma and had lived his stress. Maybe he teased, can, read something offensive or degrading the InternetBut he had no one to talk to, he was afraid to express their feelings, show weakness. And feelings were saved, wandered in it slowly, day by day transforming the psyche - and here's the result.
The good news - there are plenty of alternatives
For example, this.
No need to beat the girls, if they do not beat you.
Agree, is another matter. After all, it all started with the fact that girls are physically weaker and attack them unfairly, right? Here and show this difference, this balance.
Or here.
Try not to hurt others, if they do not hurt you.
Do not laugh at others for what they do not like you.
It is better to resolve disputes words, not fists.
Children are curious, their consciousness is very flexible, and all that you invested in it will remain there for life. Do not simplify. The desire to simplify everything - it's from mental laziness. Justice and tact - very thin pieces, so that explains to chew, to go into detail. If not immediately, but after a lot of years, but you will definitely see the fruits of their efforts.