5 experiments that will teach you to talk to strangers
Relations / / December 19, 2019
Kio Stark
Author of the book "When you meet a stranger," and the teacher. It examines the process of interaction with strangers, independent learning, and people's attitudes to new technology.
In many parts of the world (and Russia is no exception) educate people so that they believe all strangers dangerous defaults: they can not be trusted, they can cause harm. However, most are not dangerous strangers. But with them is not easy to communicate without context. In any case, we should not be afraid of other people. Only need to learn to understand, when you need to show friendliness, and when not.
We hang tags that help our brain to quickly form an opinion about the other person. We are on the machine skid strangers in this category: male - female, the - another friend - the enemy, the young - old. We do not perceive the other person as a person. To think so is easy and convenient. But this is the way to bias.
Why it is important to communicate with strangers for us
We often say that the neighbors of the phrase "How are you?" Or "beautiful day." Agree, use any of this matter, nor on any information received there. But why do we do it?
It helps to feel like part of the community
Psychological studies have shown that most people communicate more honestly and openly with strangers than with close friends and family. They feel that strangers are better than they understand.
Communication with strangers - a special form of intimacy that gives us what we need and what they can not give our friends and family.
Communicating with people outside the usual circle is very important. First, a quick interaction, which has no consequences. Agree, it is easy to be honest with the person whom you will never see.
Secondly, communicating with relatives, we always expect them to understand us without a word, to guess our thoughts. With strangers you have to start from scratch: to tell the whole story from the beginning, to explain who these people about whom you tell us what you think about them. So sometimes strangers really understand us much better.
This helps establish emotional contact with people
Talking with strangers, you unwittingly become a member of their emotional experiences. Normal conversation about the weather may turn into a deeper interaction. It seems strange that we can establish a personal contact with a stranger. But such rapid interactions can cause us to empathy, emotional resonance. Sociologists call this phenomenon fleeting intimacy.
rules experiments
It seems to come to a stranger on the street and say, "Hi" is very simple, but it only seems so. Where appropriate? How should undergo communication? How better to end the conversation? This is only a small part of the issues that you need to understand.
Learn to to feel yourself confident in a society of people you have never met before, help the experiments that Kio Stark advises his students to pass.
If you decide to carry out a study, follow the simple rules:
- Take notes: keep them in mind, write down in a notebook, share observations on a blog or social networks.
- Respect other people and watch their behavior. If you see that a person is not to communicate, do not force it, and do not be intrusive.
- Do not forget about cultural differences. It is not recommended to conduct the experiment in the country you know well enough. For example, in Denmark, people are usually not arranged to communicate with strangers: the Dane soon will pass your stop on the bus, ask what the other person free pass. In other countries - Egypt, Georgia - it is considered impolite to ignore the other person, so do not be surprised that when you ask for directions, you can receive an invitation to visit.
- All studies are arranged in order of increasing complexity of the problem. Experiment number 1 - warm-up, and it is better to start with him, even if you need another experiment.
Experiment № 1. Watch and learn
You will need a notebook. Spend one hour a public place where you are likely to encounter are not familiar with. This can be a park, cafes, train or any other place where you can stay and watch the people who are also not in a hurry.
Choose a good place where you can sit down and look at all kinds of people from a relatively close distance. Exit from the Internet, turn all devices for one hour. Part of this test - full presence. Then take a look around.
- Describe the situation. Where are you? What is interesting in this place? What people usually do here? What happens unusual? What kind of people close to you?
- Take notes. How to look around, what to wear, what they are doing and what is not, how to interact with each other. If you have too much around people, you can choose some of the most interesting.
- Invent stories of life of these people. Indicate the specific details, inspiring your story. For example, if you are sure that some of them - the rich, or homeless, or shy, or a tourist, or live nearby - think that you led me to such thoughts. Try to understand where you come from such assumptions.
Experiment № 2. Say "Hello!"
Take a walk in a crowded place: a park with paths, along the promenade, the main street of the city. Determine for yourself the optimum distance, which is necessary to pass (it is advisable to walk takes five to ten minutes). Around you should be a lot of pedestrians. Go slowly and start to experiment.
- Your task - to say "Hello" to everyone you pass by. Each of them. Do not be afraid to look them in the eye and do not worry if someone you did not hear or deliberately ignored. This is only a warm-up.
- The next step - not just to say hello, and even add to the greeting his observations, which will help to make conversation. They should not be anything personal, but they must indicate the social recognition. For example: "Sweet Dog", "You have a wonderful hat" or "It's cold today." Such phrases are helping to establish contact and to tie social bonds.
Carefully evaluate each of these microinteractions. Perhaps you will make some people feel uncomfortable, but do not stop until you talk with everyone. What happens when you greet people? They are smiling? Laugh? Hesitate? Look unusual? The story companion on what happened?
If you are nervous, you can bring a friend. But this one did not have to say anything. He is there only to make you feel safe.
Experiment 3 №. Get lost
This experiment is a sequence of requests, each of which requires greater involvement. Try to get through each stage. Keep a pen and paper, and hide away your smartphone.
- First, ask someone to show you the way.
- If a man stopped and pointed you in the direction, ask them to draw a map.
- If he drew you a map, ask for his phone number in case that you could call him if lost.
- If he gives you a phone number, you call him.
Surprisingly, most people easily leave your number. Over the years Kio Stark conducted this exercise in their classes, and for all time, decided to call only one student.
Be careful when selecting the starting point and destination may not be the first time will choose a pair that will work as it should. It should be very simple, or do not need a map. But not too difficult to passerby was able to explain to you.
This exercise Stark invented almost 10 years ago, and to implement it in our era of smart phones a little more difficult. You must make a plausible impression that you can not move without a hand-drawn map or directions list.
Experiment 4 №. Ask a question
People say if you give them that opportunity. They say, when their listen. In the course of this experiment, you need to ask a stranger disarmingly personal question, and then just listen to him. By "disarmingly personal" means Stark unexpectedly intimate, personal question about something really important. It should be a question that immediately involve human communion.
Her favorite question - "What are you afraid?". Several people answer anything about spiders or mice and avoid the emotional call. But most people speak from the heart and tell you about the fear of death, loss, failure, loneliness. They tell amazing things. What's more surprising, they are ready to share it with you.
The technique works as follows. You must bring your video or audio equipment (suitable and your smartphone) to give the legitimacy of the invasion and some logic.
Camera - this is a little trick that gives you the right to ask questions, and at the same time the mediator, which helps people to talk more openly.
Come to the man who is in a hurry and ask if you can ask him a question on camera. Some people agree to answer your question, but not on camera, and that's good. After all, the meaning of our experiments in the conversation, not the recording.
Start recording, ask a question. And then silence. If you are asked to clarify the question again, but did not give any sample answers. Your task - to listen. If you see that a person feels free, you can ask clarifying questions, but do not hurry. Give a man to fill in a pause.
Experiment № 5. Be a stranger
This is the most risky experiment. Choose a location where you do not fit where you are in the minority. You have to stand out, be noticeably out of place. Perhaps based on race, gender, ethnicity, age and appearance.
Your goal - just watch what people do, how they react to your presence. You can try to attract attention and see what happens.
Of course, you should not put yourself in danger, so do not choose a place where you are likely to run into open aggression. Perhaps you will get an enlightening experience. But just in case, prepare, as it is likely that after this experiment, you will feel not the best way.
But this is an important experience in terms of empathy: you are on yourself feel what a man feels when he does not notice or do not want to see. Nobody wants you constantly feel like that, but you will experience it for yourself at least once, you will be able to see the world differently.