How and when to ask for forgiveness, to get it
Relations Educational Program / / December 19, 2019
Why ask for forgiveness
Our brain believes that we are always right. Admission of error createsWhy It's Hard to Admit to Being Wrong the cognitive dissonance. We think that we will look weak, our self-esteem suffersRefusing to apologize can have psychological benefits (and we issue no mea culpa for this research finding). And we are trying to be justified, come what may.
but mistakes make all, They can not be avoided. Therefore, to ask for forgiveness - it is normal. And useful.
Repentance and peace gestures to help you get ridConciliatory gestures promote forgiveness and reduce anger in humans. negative emotions. And, of course, maintain the relationship. studies showInterpersonal Forgiving in Close RelationshipsThat a sincere apology encourage people to forgive the offenders.
When asking for forgiveness
You have to apologize
Layfhaker wrote, for which You do not need to ask for forgiveness. However, in some cases, you still have to apologize:
- You did not fulfill the promise.
- You hurt another person.
- You have insulted someone's feelings.
- You ruined someone else's thing.
- You late.
Of course, you will have to step over themselves, but if you want to correct the situation and cherish the relationship with the person.
You really feel guilty
Before apologizing, consider whether you really guilty and sorry about what happened?
Do not ask for forgiveness, if you do not feel guilt and regret. This has a negativeBe Sorry, Be Healthy: Apologizing for Your Health impact on self-esteem and self-confidence.
So soberly evaluate each situation, the consequences of your actions, the severity of the offense.
Are you ready to change
Sorry, if you believe that to fix the conflict will not happen again. You do not work constantly apologizing for the same act: sooner or later you will bite.
How to ask for forgiveness
Prepare plan
Think about that and how you speak. The study showedAn Exploration of the Structure of Effective Apologies 2016, the most effective apologies are made up of six components:
- expression of regret.
- Explanation reasons.
- Recognition of personal responsibility for their actions.
- Repentance.
- Offer solutions to the problem (error correction).
- Asking for forgiveness.
It is interesting that the components are not equal in importance. Study participants emphasized the third paragraph. As I mentioned above, the recognition of their mistakes painful to humans. That is why the victim is important to know that you are willing to go for it and resolve the conflict.
Among the least important - reason explanation, since it often looks more like a usual excuse.
Ask for forgiveness at the meeting alone. Choose a quiet place where you will not be disturbed.
Just take your timeBetter Late Than Early: The Influence of Timing on Apology Effectiveness. If you ask for forgiveness during the conflict or immediately following it, apologies seem insincere too strong emotions. Wait until all calm down and think about what happened.
Follow the rules
Dry, carelessly thrown "sorry" is not enough. But too zealous not necessary. In addition, no guarantee that you simply can not. So brace yourself and follow the simple rules.
- Be sincere. Show that in fact sorry about what happened.
- Do not make excuses. You are to blame. Dot. Not worth angering the interlocutor, trying to throw the responsibility.
- Do not use any but. They automatically turn your excuse to justify or even criticism of the interlocutor.
- Focus on what you have done. "I'm sorry that my words have touched you!" - not very much like a sincere apology, is not it? Ask forgiveness for their actions, and not for the way people perceived them. For example: "I'm sorry I called you a bad temper specialist. I'm sorry. It will not happen again. "
- Not throws the blame on others. If multiple offenders, do not focus on it.
- Do not regrethimself. First of all you have to think about the feelings of hurt, not his. Expressed regret, but not paint their suffering.
- Do not expect instant forgiveness and do not push. The phrase "Well, I already apologized 15 times!" Forget. Sometimes, the victim needs time.
- Confirms the action word. Correct the error, if pledged, and do not repeat it. Otherwise there is no point in your apology.
Take care of yourself
Remember that the recognition of mistakes and asking for forgiveness does not make you weak. To transcend themselves and take responsibility for the harm caused, you must have courage. You might even be able to benefit from it - learn to think about things.
see also
- How to give feedback, to achieve the goal and not to offend anyone →
- 7 things that your spouse does not have to ask ever →
- 8 steps to help forgive the insult →
- 2 rules that will change your personal life for ever →