How to communicate with relatives, if you do not like
Relations / / December 19, 2019
This article can not only read, but also listen. If you prefer - turn on a podcast.
Just make a reservation: in this article, a word about the children and the parents, because it is a separate issue. And not a word about the elderly or sick relatives, for whom care is needed - is too complex a question to answer which must be individually.
Talk about long-distance relatives.
They live on the other side of the country, the relationship between you can find just the meticulous geneticist. It is generally strangers with whom you never would not make friends, but they are your relatives, so you communicate with them. And they walk into your life and spoil the mood of the plans. Only kinship prevents you ever refused to communicate with them. Although it is sometimes exactly what you need to do.
Layfhaker tried to figure out what to do in such cases, and collected real stories from familiar life. They did not want to show your photos, but the shared experience of difficult communication with relatives.
Why can not I say "no"
It seems that the problem is far-fetched relatives. Well, what prevents deny inconvenient request to make a comment in response to a tactless question, skip past the ears of someone's being rude?
People who are well, no problems with kinsfolk and there. But more often it turns out that they are suffering from a related mayhem very polite, educated and conscientious. It is impossible to just take say "no", Interfere with the head driven into the installation:
- They're family.
- So it is not accepted.
- It is not polite.
- With relatives so you can not.
- Relatives need help.
Familiar? This is the norm, which is not easy to cross. Once such an attitude to the family was the key to survival, and the memory of those times is preserved in the upbringing and traditions.
But somehow annoying relatives to violate the unwritten laws can be.
It is difficult to say whether or not to keep in touch with people who do not like. For example, a family going on holidays at the same table, and among the relatives of a person who is unpleasant to you (in-law, cousin, brother in law - does not matter). Then you need to try to somehow transcend their rejection, but it is usually easy, one night enough strength to suffer.
But if it becomes a regular communication, you should not force yourself. No family ties are not worth our crushed, unexpressed emotions that we hid under the guise of a kindred love. This is a direct path to Psychosomatics: hypertension, heart problems with the gastrointestinal tract, or even to something worse.
Emotions prompt whether to tolerate. The mood was spoiled? Hands down and wanted to cry, but there is no reason? The irritation is that I want to break something or scream? The wave of hate is raised from the inside, and in fact seems to be a trifle some happened? That is the very same symptoms when the psyche signals: something is going wrong. But we rarely her so are sensitive to how other people. Try to understand, not only relatives and yourself!
Inna Semikasheva
We must realize that if a person behaves tactless and ugly, he first went beyond the family communication, so that your polite "no" does not spoil relations. Because it has nothing to spoil.
Easy to say, but how to do it? It depends on what your relatives.
Blackmail
Blackmail in family life is more common than in the movies.
When relatives require you anything in exchange for its location, it is blackmail. For example, when Aunt wills you an apartment, but for living space you have to fight with other potential heirs, showing who loves aunt. Sometimes blackmail becomes particularly perverse form.
When Lesch was going to marry, he said: Aunt Light bequeathed the apartment bride, so Aunt Light must love, respect, congratulations and invite guests.
After the first meeting, it became clear that the aunt of Light - a catastrophe. Insolent, ill-mannered lover of alcohol and scandals. She nazvanivala late at night or during working hours, to get a dose of attention and be sure to remind you that it must obey.
Lesch lasted two years, and then sent to Aunt Light known address. A week later rewrote the apartment to someone from a complaisant relatives.
Since Lesch aunt did not see. And happy.
Get rid of the blackmailer is only one way - to eliminate the subject of blackmail. If this wealth, then his obzavedites.
It is not easy, but our time and nerves - life is much more valuable than money. To yourself should try.
The requirement of love
People who have something to invest, demand in response to the same. For example, look after the children when they were small. But the children have grown and older require a response of love, respect and attention.
M / f "Vacation in Buttermilk"I raised you, I am because of you nights did not sleep, and you're on the train ride!
Family feeling not given in the hospital. And love is not a duty. But if you do not give the desired relatives, the pressure begins to feelings of guilt, that is, the conversation turns to the same blackmail, but emotional.
There are human thanks to the norms and traditions of conscience in the end, because you do not stop communication. But none of the obligations will not make you a man to love. Keep communication to a state where your conscience is sleeping quietly, and often remember that feelings do not appear on the team.
Please help or lend
"We're family." Under this pretext, often want money, services, and any action that will pay for sometime later. If there are. After kinship itself is not a bad fee for any business (in their opinion).
Refuse hard not to offend anyone. But there is a risk that you will sit down on his neck.
Dima classic situation. Dima moved to Moscow. Guess what happened next? Invasion of distant relatives who gathered at his lodge. When my uncle decided that Dima's apartment - the best place to find work in the capital (neither of which cost compensation a removable housing, or at least the costs of communal speech did not go, of course), Dima took another apartment and a room changed phone. Everything went well for six months, but my parents recently passed a new number to relatives who need to spend a few days in Moscow.
How to deny the relatives that are imposed with requests? Make it so that they thought that they themselves do not want your help.
For example, the sound environment in which you do something.
- Of course, come, you can just for a month, I have just a problem with money, pay half the cost of housing. This is 15 thousand rubles.
- Help course will show you the city, we have only a little after midnight, what works, and until midnight I'm busy.
- Of course, I will give borrow money. When you are comfortable to go to a notary and make the receipt?
Another way to give up so as not to offend - just ask for a reciprocal service, preferably the same. Just indicate the dates on which family member will have to return the "debt", preferably as soon as possible. No "later on."
- Yes, I'll help you with the move, just bring your cat - I'm going on vacation, here and look after the animals.
- I put the money to repair, I can give you a loan, but the repair is already underway, so that instead of the movers come out the garbage, because the movers to me now is not enough.
Just keep in mind that these methods are not healthy relations and peace in the world.
In these examples, it does not sound like a polite "no", but something quite different, which is close to the manipulated. And I guess that grievances will be in this case at times more than if you just refuse.
Inna Semikasheva
boorishness
"Why do you not have a car, do not know how to earn?", "Why in the mortgage climbed on an apartment there?", "Why are not you wearing a skirt?", "Why do you the bride is not "," Why do not you get married "- questions the content is different, the meaning is:? Look carefully how you live wrong, not that I (or my children).
And always in my heart a desire to cover this growing relative three-story mat, but the internal obstacles are too strong.
Lena among numerous relatives was something of a fair copy. He studied perfectly well and receive medals and diplomas than her parents constantly boasted. Whether for this reason, or even for some, but relatives have arranged private competition "Get Lena." Be alert for any mistake. That dress is too boring, then marriage does not come out, it came out, but not so, then something else. Already adult Lena asked, that she did not give birth to a second child, it is no longer small.
Lena first asked why the aunt so worried about this question: "Why do you ask? Do you think my husband and I do not know how to have sex? Or do you want us to remind you that we do not have enough money? Or do you think that we have a health problem, you want once again to hit where it hurts? What do you want to hear in response? The expected birth date? Be honest? "
I received no reply, but stopped to ask.
Do not hold back, or the dam will burst sooner or later, and it will lead to emotional scandal. Tell me everything that you think, but no foul language.
Adult and correct method - to voice their feelings. Indeed, in this case, family members are playing a game of Eric Bornu: their "sweet" that they will withdraw from the man himself, but he would smile at them. Take away "candy" can be said bluntly: "I'm sorry, but I hate when you talk about it (ask)." And nothing more to explain. Looking into the eyes and a calm voice. No longer climb.
Inna Semikasheva
unsolicited advice
It is kind of rudeness, just a little more than veiled concern. Nobody asks questions, but all the advice handed out that you do not need.
With this form of obsessive attention to fight in two ways. First - constantly smiling and agreeing with wisdom, formally, of course. But this requires self-control and self-confidence reinforced concrete, or self-esteem will suffer. The second way - handing out tips in return. Immediately, without waiting for the question.
Neither family holiday Alla did not do without advice as soon marry. Especially brisk proven ways to offer women who have a family life was far from ideal. When Alla tired nod, she began to say that you know the exact recipe that will help to cure her husband's alcoholism. Or what psychologists have discovered how to wean a man to change. After such Moneta switched to complaints, and Allah can breathe easy.
Although, if the wrong advice you badly hurt, then perhaps it is a signal that the relatives of the patient fell. Remember that moment and decide internal problems, then the related chatter becomes indifferent.
Simplicity worse than stealing
This could include the broad category of people, are poorly educated. "Achotakova?" - a common question when they see your face paling.
Until now, the nightmares Olga sees great tea set purchased relative to the distant market. Otherwise, how sickening this service is not called. Of unknown polymer with a "gold" and patterns, which have been mean "richness". The price tag, however, a relative did not become unglued.
Olga was not offended. Well here it is a relative idea of the beautiful. She meant well.
Examples of mass. It is obligatory congratulations on religious holidays from people who do not care that you're a different religion (because in their world, the other does not happen, they are not specifically). Required (and disgusting) poems for birthdays. Attendants gifts. Stupid tradition.
As long as it's not harmful, people will forgive their minor flaws. Perhaps, on their part, you look like a snob and smug, that is no better.
Not all relatives - friends
Someone might think that all native people - gone too far louts, just waiting for the moment to strike the patient. Of course, it is not. But with a truly native people, really close, and such problems do not arise.
Although annoying relatives - an indicator of attitude. If you can not bear to say "no" or to terminate an unpleasant conversation, think about it: what's stopping you? Why do you obey alien plants and suffer attacks on their side? How deeply buried your self-esteem and confidence if you are not willing to miss it by ear? The answers to these questions will help more than sending relatives blacklisted.