Why couples fight and how to avoid it
Relations / / December 19, 2019
For a start will have to accept that even the most favorite people sometimes can irritate you. People are not perfect and will always be late, forget promises and do much more annoying a million things.
Some couples live in a state of low-intensity conflict in which they are constantly cling to each other. In these pairs do not say "I'd like a glass of water," and say, "Why did you pour water only imagine ?!".
Belgian psychotherapist and family psychologist Esther Perel
If you spend hours scandals because of nonsense, and then are shocked, as they could tell a story of such unpleasant things, it is time to expand the conflict on the shelves, and to introduce new rules.
Why indeed swear loving couple
External cause for quarrels hardly ever is not. Spilled tea or spent stash do not make us suffer by themselves. We are now taking them to another emotional level, which is not responding to the situation, and our thoughts about it.
So, messHosted the second half, it may cause a fleeting disappointment. Fire Future of scandal stirs up the idea that your partner does not care about you. However, this idea did you come by yourself, and people just do not spread things out. With your happiness he did not commit.
In psychology, there is the concept of "trigger" - the trigger, a situation that provokes negative emotions. Family psychologists say Why You Always Have The Same Old Fight: A Couples Therapist ExplainsThat all the triggers that cause domestic conflicts can be divided into the following categories.
past experience
In their current relations people bring experience of the past and the memories of his own family.
Let's say you have seen for many years, as the swearing parents, when someone came home from work late. So now, when are late themselves, you feel guilty, and when it does the partner - the right to express it, how do you uncomfortable.
Another example: your past partner wore emotions in themselves and then It exploded because of nonsense. Your new love will not hoard bad, and immediately expresses their feelings, why do you think that people are too often displeased with you.
lack of self
At constant skirmishes of some people are pushing the existential suffering: Is this the man my value if I was as a person, I can be happier in other ways. This is what happens when a person is dissatisfied with life and feels that he can not realize itself.
Self-assessment of such people is very vulnerable, and many actions of the second half perceived as disrespect. He tells me the way - I think I am not able to figure out on their own. Do not wash the dishes - I think that I have more important cases that my life comes down to the house.
The struggle for control and freedom
Some people want every moment to know where their partner is, what he is doing, he thinks about. Any attempt to maintain the privacy seems to have almost a betrayal. The struggle for control generates conflicts because of unanswered calls, delays, extra monetary expenditure and independent decisions.
Especially difficult is necessary, if the other person freedom-loving and independent. People rarely even recognized themselves that they want to control partner. Usually this takes the form of insults: people do not do as I wish, therefore, he loves me not enough.
What mistakes committed partners in quarrels
It is important to catch the moment when a simple skirmish turns into hell branch, shouting, tears and collecting things, and do not cross the border. The therapist Esther Perel works with couples around the world and saysWhich errors in behavior provoked scandals.
Negation partner emotions
Surprisingly, even the closest people often live the same situation in different ways. Whether you're a hundred times right partner would be difficult to accept if he took everything else.
Example: you leave pribolevshy half to relax and go do things. And returning, meet resentment and misunderstanding of how it was possible to leave me alone. You insist that showed care and offended there is nothing, and your partner - that there is no care, and you just left.
How to avoid: give your partner the right to his feelings and explain what you sought another, but understand his emotions.
negative prescription
People perceive their mistakes and weaknesses as a tribute to the external difficulties. And at the same time partner of error are considered as part of the human personality.
Example: you offended over nothing, because you had a bad day. But when your partner nags at you with nothing to do - it's because he is an egoist who does not appreciate what you do for him.
How to avoid: do not make loud conclusions about a person's character, to evaluate the specific situation, and not a person in general.
The cycle of negative escalation
The essence of this error is that the quarrel develops a vicious circle: people during an argument specifically evoke emotions partner, who did not want to see. They know what their action will result, and the effects they do not like, but they are still doing so, to come to him. But in the end blame the other half.
Example: you know that your partner is impatient and does not tolerate lectures. But you say and say as long as it is not a cry goes wrong. And then you declare that your partner constantly raises his voice, and with him can not talk.
How to avoid: not to provoke reactions that are inevitable if you continue to do what we did.
Ignoring the word partner
In the conflict people are willing The communication error we all make, and how it intensifies conflict listen for about 10 seconds - about three sentences. Further, most turned off or starts to prepare a counterattack.
Example: your favorite people excitedly talking about their grievances, interspersing their criticism in your address. It bothers you, and you decide to recall that he himself is actually not ideal. The conflict escalates, and a sad monologue turns into a scandal.
How to avoid: Give your partner to finish, and then simply repeat his words and ask again whether you understood it correctly. This sober person - there is a high probability that it will immediately give up insults or too strong phrases that spoke of anger.
Biased selection of information
people tend to Shahram Heshmat Ph. D. / What Is Confirmation Bias? select information that supports their point of view and ignore what contradicts it. Paradoxically, even if the point of view of a person does not like, the brain will cling to it, because it is clear and streamlined.
Example: If your partner has decided that you are not taking care of him, he will choose to remember you and those situations where it is, indeed, was the case. Other cases - is the "only once" and "shall not be considered."
How to avoid: transfer of your good deeds will not help. It is better to give your loved one to speak, and then promise to do everything to solve the problem.
What techniques can help avoid scandal
Scoring their feelings, rather than partner actions
when a person accusedHe begins to defend or attack. And at such a moment it is better to talk about what you feel. Such can not be challenged. For example, instead of "you've never listen to" tell "it seems to me, that my words are unimportant, and I was upset."
Transformation of criticism request
Criticism - is, in fact, a hidden request or desire to get what you are missing. So you should try to express the same idea, but no accusations and recriminations. For example, "you will never wash the dishes" is easily transformed into a "please help me with the dishes more often."
Refusal by the words "always" and "never"
Such generalizations can only lead to the fact that your partner wants to deny them an example, when it was not, even if it's just one in a million. And indeed such a categorization is rarely true.
Look at yourself in the mirror in the early skirmishes
You do not like what you see. Another option - take a selfie. You would not want to share it on social networks. But at the moment a loved one sees you that way.
Taking a break during an argument
Change the course of the usual quarrels - it's a great work on yourself. When you feel that anger rises, and no one technique does not go to his head, just go away. Better to retire and do not tell a story nothing that hurts your loved one. And be sure to come back again when self-control is restored.
see also🥰ðŸ˜
- 25 stupid things, because of all the couples who swear
- 7 Reasons Why quarrel in a couple - this is normal
- How not to quarrel over money: tips for different occasions