Why do we scream at children and how to stop in time

Relations / by admin / December 19, 2019

Why are you yelling at the child

Insufficient resources

If you are malnourished, little sleep and are constantly under stress, resources are running out, and you go to the creek. Here are a few situations in which you simply do not have the strength to be a good parent.

1. You feel bad

Disease, chronic lack of sleep, financial or family problems that cause constant stress- all this reduces your energy reserves.

The cause of the cries of parents is not always the behavior of children. Sometimes the reason is fatigue, depression, irritability, and we start yelling at children because even any small infraction.

Oleg Ivanov. A psychologist, a conflict, the head of the Center for settlement of social conflicts.

2. You have no time for yourself

If you are constantly with your child and do not have even an hour of free time, sooner or later it will leave you exhausted. Depending on the temperament of the child can take away a lot or a lot of energy. And if you do not have time to replenish their stocks, the result will be screaming and breakdowns.

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3. Are you overwhelmed

You are trying to focus on a certain matter, the child screaming and pulling his leg, the phone rings, falls and breaks a mug of tea. Information overload ends shouting: "Leave me alone, shut up even a second!"

4. You lose control of life

With a child it is difficult to build any plans he may at any time to be ill, throw a tantrum, or stubborn. If you're used to everything to controlBut with the advent of the baby lost the opportunity, you will find anger and cry.

5. You need emotional discharge

You are not accustomed to negative splashes and stash it in yourself. As a result, emotions erupt at the most unexpected moment, and since you are constantly beside his child, came down on him. The child here at all to do with it, but you have no control over themselves.

Mismatch of expectations and reality

Internet is full of pictures of happy kids in clean clothes and no less happy parents with smiles from ear to ear. Real Parenting bears little resemblance to the pictures. In it there is merciless children hysteria linked to crises of different ages, torn wallpaper and stained furniture, stubborn disobedience and a lot of excitement for different reasons. Sometimes it zastaot parents by surprise.

A child may be repeated many times that he was not allowed to see how to react parent. He can forget the well-assimilated poem that spoke an hour ago with the expression, fight with other children and rude caretaker, greedy, litter and perform many other actions that do not seem to should.

There is a conflict between the expectations of the parents and the child's behavior. And parents are frustrated shouting.

How to cope with it

Find time for yourself

Oleg Ivanov argues that for the prevention of nervous breakdowns and, as a consequence, shouting children definitely need to devote some time to relax. It is desirable to at least half an hour a day, regardless of weather conditions and the desire of households. This is necessary to maintain the adequacy of the mental and the ability to respond to normal behavior of children.

Believe me, this half-hour per day spent on a cup of coffee with a book, save your nervous system from exhaustion. Especially it concerns mothers with young children, which are almost never part with their "tails."
Oleg Ivanov

Ask the family to sit with the child or give it to the developing club. Transfer of the home affairs on the other parent, even if you have always considered them to their duty. Perhaps the way to solve all your problems with shouts and further work would be required.

Learn to express your feelings

This advice is for those who are accustomed to endure to the last, and then explode. Work with their emotionsAnd learn to openly manifest them as soon as they arise. Strong does not complain, do not cry, and die with the dignity of a heart attack at age 40.

Tell me about their problems, express displeasure, cry - all this relieves you and reduces the likelihood that the next barrage of accumulated emotions overwhelm innocent in this child.

Need to track your inner state and to be honest with you, allow yourself and your child to show different emotions: sadness, joy, sadness, anger, anger, love. Then there will be the need for someone to shout, especially on the weakest.

Hope Baldin, psychologist, systemic constellation facilitators, business consultant Center for family counseling "Olvia"

Recognize yourself in the moment of irritation

Train yourself to recognize when anger and shouting. When you feel that now frustrate and nakrichit on the child, stop and try to understand why you do it.

The question is not what the child did, and that is why I react to it. Keep track of to whom in fact the cry is now directed. Indeed the child has done something terrible? Or just have a bad day? If you are unable to respond calmly, it is better to remain silent.
hope Baldin

Train yourself to stop. I consider myself to ten, repeat the soothing phrases like: "I am calm. I love my child. " Or even walk away to another room for five minutes.

Feel wound up - get out of the room. Take a cold shower, drink a cup of tea. The main thing - calm down and return to your child when you will be ready to continue the conversation in a normal tone.
Oleg Ivanov

Oleg Ivanov also suggests another way: arrange in advance with your child that when you cry, he will leave the room. This will help you to understand yourself and cool off before talking to a toddler.

However, a lack of screaming not solve the problem, because it does not appear just like that - a child apparently did something forbidden. When you calm down, start talking.

Learn to speak and explain

In the first years of life in the child's brain is formed by a number of new nerve connections. He absorbs everything like a sponge: every word, movement, demeanor and communication. If you shout at him, he too will cry out. On you, if it is allowed, or on those who are weaker.

Hope Baldin said, concerning children calm explanations are essential.

If you do not explain to the child why you cry, he can begin to take the blame for having done nothing wrong - so runs the rich imagination of a child in case of lack of information.
hope Baldin

Hope explains that it is dangerous for the further socialization of the child. Guilty behavior will provoke other people's aggression. Starting with parents and ending with the children at school. Such a child will be more difficult to adapt - because of the behavior of the guilty he risks becoming outcast.

Openly tell the child when angry at him. Explain why. Give details of what he did wrong and what you do not like. The child must understand that you do not cry because it is bad and you do not like it, but because of what he did wrong.

One of the principles of healthy education is that you need not punish the child and his behavior. For example: "I love you, but your behavior is no good!"
hope Baldin

Recognize that your child is not perfect, as you

Realize that you are not the perfect parent who smiles at you with stock photography.

You may be tired and annoyed, not always in control of your reactions, have the right to make mistakes. Isolated cases do not shout out your child's disability and not force him to go to a therapist before the end of his days.

You can make mistakes, but try not to do it. And if again shouted at the child, take a lesson from this. Analyze why it happened, ask for forgiveness and forget the kid. Feelings of guilt - bad assistant in education.

But at the same time recognize the right to be imperfect, and for your child. He does not have to be attentive and obedient, neat, polite and generous. Education and personal example of parents required to bear fruit, but this takes time. Do not expect a three-year child of empathy and generosity, logic and long-term planning - he just physically can not.

Take care planning

Note the times when you often yell at the child. For example, this may be your morning routine in the garden when he was running away from you and do not want to dress. Or evening after work, when required by a tired adult games and entertainment.

See what you can do about it. For example, in the evening you can spare an hour for yourself to relax after work and gain strength before play with baby. Or share it with the other parent: two o'clock you play two hours - I.

If you are annoyed, he runs away and does not want to dress up, you can quietly, without shouting together and make it look as if to leave without him. Explain that you do not have time and you're not going to tolerate his overindulgence. Most likely, the child will run screaming for you, trying to persuade him to take with him, and quickly dressed.

Make a list of their dangerous moments, and in front of each item sketch out a plan for how to cope without shouting. Even if your methods do not work, there will always be others. It is only necessary to show a little patience and to reach out to your child.

Action plan

1. Training.

Replenishment: leisure, food, sleep, time for yourself.
The expression of their emotions, the rejection of the accumulation of negativity within you.

2. Act.

Awareness to scream or cry at the moment.
Measures to calm. Removal from the situation, tea, shower or washing, breath affirmations.
Analysis of the situation. What caused the cry of whether the child is to blame for what you feel.
Explanations. Talk with your child about what he did wrong, what do you feel towards him, and why it can not be done. The answers to all his questions about the situation.

3. Planning. Thinking about his behavior in situations of cry.