What to do if you are not satisfied with relations

If you build an intimate relationship is not possible for a long time, the reasons may be several. Parse potential problems and ways to solve them.

Maya Lutai

Psychologist-konsultant for personal and family matters.

On the one hand, the relationship - it is a matter of course, and on the other - hard to find really happy couples that build with each other not manipulative and sincere and trust relationship.

If you have tried to build a relationship and more than three times received the result does not suit you, then it's time to go deep: it is obvious, there is a system error.

What is necessary for a harmonious relationship: 4-level contacts and 8 of basic needs

As we have three parts: the "inner parent", "adult" and "child." The interaction of these parts provides four levels of contact, which are necessary for deep relationships.

1. "Inner Child" is responsible for intimacy, sincerity, and contact creation. Family without contact on the child's level, unfortunately, fall apart.
2. "The inner parent" is responsible for monitoring, promotion, security, the definition of what is right and what is wrong, what is important and what is unimportant. In good and long relationship looks at these things should preferably be the same.
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3. "The inner adult" is responsible for the plans for the future, to do with money: how to spend and earn. Unless agreed to keep the relationship is extremely difficult in this matter "inner adult" of the spouses.
4. Communicate your "inner parent" and "inner child" partner (and vice versa) is manifested in the mutual care of each other.

In other words, in the relationship of eight basic needs must be met:

• the need for security: in a healthy relationship, we can be what is, without fear of losing the love and respect.
• The need to be a valuable and important: we want to have valued, cared for us and considered us worthy.
• The need to be accepted by a reliable person: as a child, we need the adoption of a strong and protects the adult, but, unfortunately, many of this requirement was not satisfied.
• The need for a divided experience: to be on the same wavelength with someone else, to feel that someone is experiencing a number of the same or experienced before - an important part of a relationship.
• The need for self-determination: even when you're in a relationship, we want to retain their uniqueness and to receive recognition of this uniqueness.
• The need for an impact: in any relationship we want to influence each other. We dream to change someone else's way of thinking, behavior and emotional response. At the same time we want to not only influence, but also see the effect of this influence.
• The need for the initiative from the other: we want to see an initiative in dialogue did not come only from us. Any relationship where someone one always takes the first step, eventually becoming one-sided, or even painful.
• The need to express love: have a sense of love and affection to the one who knows us well, respects and accepts who cares about us.

You may ask, where is the need to be loved? The fact is that when these needs are met, we feel loved.

It may also be a need ninth, unique. It is yours. For someone it is, someone she's not.

How to improve a relationship or save them

Look carefully how evenly distributed forms of contact and whether your relationship needs are met on both sides. If so, keep this balance. This is enough to save relationship.

If the balance is disturbed, it is necessary to identify the weak position and jointly develop them. Please note that the desire for change must be at each of the partners. If it is only you, nothing will happen.

1. Talk to each other using not only logic, but also emotional intelligence. This ability to recognize their own and others' emotional reactions, to respond to their minds and hearts.
2. Develop empathy - the ability to understand the other person and his feelings, imagine yourself in his place.
3. Do not think out - ask. As experience shows, even having lived many years in the pair, people may not fully understand what is really going on with your partner, so the dialogue is very important.
4. If you had a fight and you long fails to resolve the conflict or have any questions, because of which you regularly swear for a year or more, consult a specialist. The problem will not go away, and will go into the deep and will destroy your relationship like rust.

What should I do if I can not even start a relationship

The first of our relationships - with parents. If you do not leave you for a long time even to begin to build a relationship with a partner, then the way contact between you and your loved ones was such that you did not receive important skill building connection others. There can be several.

• Too close contact with parents or other important figures, replace them. In other words, the place of a potential partner is already taken. You need to get out of psychological symbiosis with their families and only then look for a life partner. Exiting the symbiosis is not as simple as it may seem, and moving from her parents is not always enough.
• You had a wounding experience relationship violence (physical, psychological punishment) or have experienced early childhood abandonment.

If you have considered themselves to be the first or the second category of people and more than three years, you can not create their own with someone long-term relationship, it is necessary to turn to a psychologist who specializes in changing established patterns behavior.

The fact is that the longer we leave repetitive actions without adjusting their deep foundations - thoughts, feelings, sensations - the more difficult it will be to change this behavior. Neural connections are strengthened and lead to reactions automation. The sooner you begin to work with it with it, the easier it is to change the situation.

All close and warm relationship!