6 steps after separation, which will save from the bugs in a new relationship
Relations / / December 19, 2019
1. Complete the previous relationship
If you moved things to another apartment, placed in the passport stamp of divorce or separation officially announced on social networks, this does not mean that the relationship has ended. They will continue until you come back again and again to the situation, review photos, watching his former love on the Internet. Quickly forget the past will not work, it needs some time.
When the flower is transplanted into another pot, first he languishes in the new conditions, although here and place more and better soil. He needs time to adjust and thrive. People are more complicated, and therefore you need it.
Tune primarily on self-care and take your time. Move at your own pace. If you do not endure the pain from a previous relationship, only add new problems.
Before you start a new relationship after a divorce or separation, wait for a while. Or a lot - it depends on how hard you was given a break. In my opinion, if the relationship lasted for several years, then start building new stands no earlier than a year after the break.
Oleg Ivanov, a psychologist, a conflict, the head of the Center for settlement of social conflicts
2. Recovered from his injury
The gap relationships - an injury for both actors. No matter who was the initiator of why you broke up, is there any reason for joy and relief. It will be hurt. Brave and pretend that you do not care - not the best choice. Ignoring the problem, emotional wounds do not heal.
It is necessary to restore itself, beginning with the basic needs. First, establish a sleep mode power supply. Once the basic segments will come back to normal, you can begin to move in the direction of communication with loved ones. Do not run right to acquire new acquaintances. First we need to once again feel the ground under my feet and lick their wounds next to those with whom you can be vulnerable and who can receive love and care. And only after that gradually enter into the society and to add new hobbies and activities.
Nadezhda Efremova, psychotherapist
3. Work on self-esteem
Parting painful strikes on self-assessment. You can doubt its appeal, criticize themselves for being unable to maintain the relationship, to feel guilt. All this makes you vulnerable. You can jump into a new relationship, to prove to myself and last love you more hoo. Or, on the contrary, be afraid that you no longer love and start dating anyone.
After the termination of human relationships often overcomes the fear of loneliness, it is impossible to live without someone's assistance. Such fears are for the most part irrational and fairly easy to overcome when dealing with a psychologist. The first thing you need to realize that no one is indispensable and absolutely always have the opportunity to find a more suitable partner.
Andrey Smirnov, psychotherapist
It is possible that you will not look for a man, and the function - the one who will help you to forget, to survive, will not the same as a past love. And not the fact that such a relationship will help you recover and be productive.
Nadezhda EfremovaMany are so unable to withstand the pain of the break that almost immediately take a decision to move into a new relationship. This story is very similar to walking on thin ice. And in fact it does not have any resources - a complete internal stress. To start a new relationship from a state where all the hurts and bleeds, is like running with a broken leg and pretend that you are right.
When you stop a long relationship, it takes time to understand the new rules of the game. You have not flirted seriously got older. Past patterns do not work anymore. We'll have to figure out what has changed in the world and how it works Tinder.
4. Learn to live alone
In many respects you anyway grind to a partner, somewhere behind him, somewhere abandoning their desires and habits. Loneliness - a great opportunity to go back to the original version of itself. Reset personality to basic settings will not work, it is not necessary: ​​you have matured, gained experience and have changed. Now you can afford to decide on their own desires, plans and aspirations without regard to the opinion of the partner.
The theory sounds good halves. But the relationship is better to come a whole and build their self-sufficient with the same partner.
Andrei SmirnovBefore you start a new relationship, take care of their own welfare, career and health. If a person is successful and independent, to his queue of potential partners. And he did not hurry to choose with whom they feel comfortable. So after the relationship is best for some time to live single and strengthen their own positions. This does not mean that you should throw all the meetings. They give great emotional recharge, even if you do not lead to the establishment of relations.
5. The work on the bugs
At rupture usually have a reason, even if you're broke and without peace tragedies. To in the following respects not repeat the same mistakes, you need to understand where you turned the wrong way. And it is not about how to reshape itself under a common standard. On the contrary, you have to understand yourself and accept yourself, to choose a more suitable people.
Ideally, as corny as it may sound, it is necessary to go to a psychologist or therapist to deal with it together with a specialist. Very often, the gap in the relationship takes place on a recurring scenario. And work together with a psychologist can help you find and understand the internal causes that are being drawn into this scenario and trigger destructive relationship.
Aleksandr Bodrov, counselor, coach
Also, pay attention to possible mistakes in cooperation with a partner. There are things, which is easy to learn. But many people ignore them, because I just do not think that because you can. For example, do not necessarily require the partner's telepathic ability, and then be offended that he could not read thoughts. If we assume that this is not possible, and verbalize their desires and feelings, life will be much easier.
Nadezhda EfremovaTo protect yourself from repeating the previous scenario, you must take the time to work on the bugs. For example, to realize where merged and one of the partners of a fully dissolved in the other. Maybe at some point too lazy to say the conflict and a break - it's just the result of resentment, which did not find the exit. After a detailed analysis, you can see the points that need to be adjusted. If this is not done, it is possible with the grace of a hippopotamus run into a similar relationship and go to the next round of the same scenario, just with another person.
In general, it is important to remember that everyone is different and the ways of cooperation with a new partner will be different.
Oleg IvanovWith new person usual techniques and habits will not work. You do not need to communicate with them as well as used to talk to my ex-husband or wife. It is not necessary to idealize the new partner, try to see the real person, with all its advantages and disadvantages.
6. Do not focus on the relationship
Do not look for a new love in itself. Even if you have done a lot of work on themselves, strive for relationships for the sake of the relationship - a strange idea.
Oleg IvanovAt first, I generally recommend not to focus on finding a long-term relationship. Much more important again to believe in themselves, feel welcome, improve self-esteem. It is important to get a new experience, to remember the forgotten skills with the opposite sex. Learn to trust. While it is quite flat, calm relationship (not necessarily romantic), thanks to which your life will be better.
What you experienced breaking up? Share your experiences in the comments.
see also💔
- How to survive a divorce: 12 tips from personal experience
- How not to suffer from loneliness
- I realized that it was time to divorce: a personal experience