How to quarrel, so as not to destroy the relationship

Relationships are never perfect. We all are situations where there is a lack of understanding, developing into a grudge. The only question is, what the outcome of the dispute. The secret of long-term relationships are not constant lull, and the ability to cope with the storm and to avoid disappointing consequences. About a simple practice that will help to learn this, tell the teacher and coach Andrei Yakomaskin.

XYZ - Alphabet healthy relationships

Admission, which I will, was coined by the founder of the program productive dialogue and communication psychologist Haim Ginottom (Haim Ginott). Fifty years ago, the American scientist discovered a simple formula of constructive complaint:

• X - the cause;
• Y - emotions;
• Z - decision.

Consider a situation.

Wife had a fight with her parents, and her husband did not support her in a difficult moment, and went to meet with friends.

The phrase could hear the man on his return, probably sounds like this: "You are a selfish and arrogant bastard and only think about yourself!"

Woman is in its own right, but this approach will not lead to solving the problem. But how it would look like solution XYZ position:

When I had problems with my parents, did not you stay with me, to support (X). At that moment I felt lonely and abandoned (Y). I would like to see the next time you just gave me support (Z).

The scheme is as easy to use. But in order to get accustomed to its use, it is necessary to understand exactly what you have done wrong before, and on what it is necessary to work right now. For this Let us examine each element separately.

X - reason

Very often, we throw accusations without even explaining what exactly the cause of our anger. Many familiar comedic female phrase, "Think about it, why I was offended." And, oddly enough, as I had not heard the story of misunderstandings in relationships, women are the first to want to figure out what the root of the problem.

Nevertheless, the majority of people who still express the reason for their dissatisfaction, often stop and believe that a statement of fact is sufficient to solve the problem, "I said that I do not like, and she will understand. "

It is here that in the case should start a second paragraph.

Y - emotions

In his previous article I casually mentioned about the paradox of vulnerability. We need support, but we are afraid to talk about the feelings experienced because we do not want to be vulnerable. The bottom line is that these two concepts are inseparable.

To get support and understanding of the other person, you must be completely honest with him, even if at first you do not feel at ease. If this person is you really roads, you can tell what feelings are experiencing, and not doubt that he will carry them very carefully, because it is well aware of what you cost this step.

It is when we say, what it is felt because of what happened, all the negativity will come to naught, because it will show how much you trust this person.

In a letter to his son, actor Yevgeny Leonov wrote: "Is there a man in your life to whom you are not afraid to be a little, silly, unarmed, in all the nakedness of his revelation? This person is your protection! "Be prepared to be open when it comes to your feelings, if you really set up to solve the problem. Other output can not be.

After the emotions experienced by the ardor of the battle always fades, but the problem may come back again, and so it is necessary to consolidate its success in a simple manner.

Z - decision

That situation is not repeated again, offer a solution that - and most importantly - will satisfy both of you. Quite simply talk about what you want, and much more difficult to compromise. Therefore, we must prepare for the fact that something will have to sacrifice, to issue resolved definitively.

We are all different, each with its own history and the baggage of the past behind. Even people who have lived together for a long time, can not always take the place of another person, to say nothing of those whose relationship is just beginning.

But it is very important to try. Find solutions together and just agree that both will be ready to make concessions. It's no wonder you two have done this kind of work, right?

at last

This simple approach to quarrels requires a lot of practice, but if you bring it to automatism, will help to improve any relationship. The most important thing - to realize that you can not get rid of the problem, but you can learn how to benefit from them.

A wise man once said:

Storms are useful to humans: some will pull your soul, but also will make all the dirt.

Do not be afraid of storms, after which always comes clarity.

I wish you success!