Who are the people-ghosts and why they disappear from your life without explanation
Relations / / December 19, 2019
Maybe this happened to you. Dating a man a couple of months, and everything seems to be good: you're in love, relationships run their course, there are no conflicts and no misunderstandings between you.
But then he suddenly disappeared from the radar. No meetings, no phone calls or SMS. Your attempts to contact him, "disappeared" also does not react: in the handset beeps, messages remain unread. It seems that the man was gone and with him there was something wrong. But no. He's just turned into a "ghost" and began to have guests.
Who are the people-ghosts
Despite a touch of mysticism in the word "ghosting" anything paranormal in such disappearances there. All of these people continue to live their lives, simply expunged it from their friends, without explanation. In another ghosting can also be called ignore or avoidance.
Ghost in English - a ghost, a man who "guest" you become invisible, like a ghost. The word appears in dictionariesGhosting at the beginning of zero, but it became popular in the English-speaking media and social networks after 2015: journalists and bloggers suddenly began to useCharlize Theron Broke Up With Sean Penn By Ghosting Him it is very active. Perhaps, this new term is chosen to look at the situation with humor and reduce the degree of seriousness and of tragedy. "He's staying with me," still does not sound so sad, as "he's avoiding me."
According to a studyGhosting and destiny: Implicit theories of relationships predict beliefs about ghosting, At least 25% of respondents have ever become a victim of ghosting, and 21% turned into ghosts and ignored romantic partners or friends. By the way, yes, guests can not only passion, but also a friend, or even co-workers and associates. However, there is important the seriousness and depth of the relationship.
Usually "disappear" those whom you know is not a very long time and with whom you have little or no mutual friends and businesses.
In this case, the guy or the girl who did not return your call after the first and only date, not considered "gosterami". And of course, if a person runs away from toxic abyuzivnyh relationsThat threaten his mental and physical health, it is also not "ghost" and has every right to disappear without explanation.
Why did they disappear without explanation
A man who has faced with a sudden and quite inexplicably ignore, of course, painfully want to know why that to him. There are several reasons.
They have problems with attachment
More in 1987 by psychologists Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver concludedRomantic Love Conceptualized as an Attachment ProcessThat attachment formed in childhood under the influence of the family. And its type determines how we build relationships as adults.
People with avoidant attachment suspicious, afraid of intimacy, believe that others are not interested in them.
Psychologists Tara Collins and Omri Gillat from the University of Kansas investigatedAttachment, breakup strategies, and associated outcomes: The effects different strategies rupture of relations and we found out that it was to "avoid" people prefer to "indirect" methods. That is parted by e-mail or SMS, and in general as you like, just do not talk with your partner openly and honestly.
Can you blame a person for such behavior - a moot point. After avoiding the type of attachment is formed by those people whose parents rejected them as a child, did not respond to their needs and the calls.
They are afraid of conflict
Break up with a person or even just to express dissatisfaction with him some occasion pretty scary. After all, he would ask awkward questions, offended, scream, watching the wolf, cry, slam doors. To endure all this, we need a certain courage.
Much easier to just disappear, to hide in the house and sit there until about you will not forget.
So talk about the people who panic afraid of open confrontation. This fear is consideredHow to Overcome Your Fear of Conflict for Good one of the signs of social anxiety. And not only leads to problems in the relationship. Such people do not know how to defend their rights, to seek justice and to claim for themselves the best - it is just those about whom they say "yes to it all go." In general, anything good.
They believe in destiny
Surely you have repeatedly heard the theory that somewhere there is your ideal half, soul mate, you fated destiny of the universe or the world. researchers believeGhosting and destiny: Implicit theories of relationships predict beliefs about ghostingThat romantics who believe this tend to visit their partners more than the skeptics. Just because they are waiting for some special spark and feel like a true mate will recognize immediately. And once that happens, the relationship is doomed, and we need to stop them with minimal consequences.
They think that because you can
Of course, people avoided each other at all times. But now, as an essential part of our life takes place online, do it has become much easier.
Internet gives us the illusion of impunity.
It is because of her troll people and poisoned each other in the web, write nasty things that would never have dared to say in person, or violate the agreement disappear from the radar.
If you meet with the person on the Internet and you do not have friends in common, common work or some connections disappear from your life would be pretty easy for him. And no responsibility For this, he will not suffer. So ghosting, of course, the phenomenon for a long time, but thanks to social networks and dating sites it has acquired an impressive scale.
Why is the disappearance of so much hurt
Typically, the "ghosts" are not spouses or childhood friends and those with whom you met not long ago. Therefore, it would seem, there is little reason to worry if people suddenly broke off communication with you. Nevertheless, those who faced a ghosting feel disgusting. And that's why.
We feel the pain
And in this case it is not a metaphor or exaggeration. scientists have found outSocial rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain.That the rejection of our brain reacts as if we have caused physical pain. This is one reason why it is so hard when we are denied, when we ignore or when no laykaet our photos to Instagram.
We were tormented incompleteness
If a person is ripped from your friendship or a romantic relationship, you are likely to feel disgusting.
But you will at least know that the relationship is over and you need to live on.
You may even be told the reasons for - and you can cry enough, seize, drink or to dance their sorrow.
And when a friend or a cute you people disappear without explanation, it leaves you in limbo, ridiculous, incomprehensible and even humiliating. You do not understand what happened, you can not understand the reasons and did not know how you have: patience wait, that "ghost" will return to try to find him and find out what's wrong, or accept the fact that the relationship has come end. Because of this easy to paste up, lose confidence and drowning in anxiety and guilt.
What if you avoid
This is a very unpleasant experience. Here's how to adviseThis Is Why Ghosting Hurts so Much psychologists do.
1. Understand that you are in no way to blame
When the person you are staying, it does not mean that you do something wrong. On the contrary, it means that your "ghost" of the problem, in which he must deal. And you can not be held liable for the acts of another person. Unless, of course, you did not offend him or her, humiliated and did not use physical or emotional violence.
2. Accept that the relationship ended
Let so ridiculous. If a man wanted to meet with you or friends, it would not be hid. And once hiding, so he broke with you, just afraid to say so. Try to do what you would do if gap I passed by all the rules. Burn photo sharing, throw gifts, friends weep or diary pages, listen to sad music.
3. burn the bridges
Try to completely obliterate "ghost" from his life. Remove his number, lock it in the social networks, erase photos and videos. In short, do everything in order to remember it smaller. At least at first.
4. move on
Do not let this experience to undermine your self-confidence. Live your ordinary life and do not be afraid to seek friendship or a romantic relationship.
What if the "ghost" - it's you
According to the above statistics, at least a quarter of the respondents at least once someone visited. So, if occasionally disappear from someone's life without explanation, you are not alone. But this does not mean that to do so properly. You yourself probably feel guilty and you realize that other people inflict pain.
Unfortunately, the easy way to handle it is not. You have to understand why you are afraid of people and avoid conflicts. And then to work out their problems with a therapistHow to Overcome Your Fear of Conflict for Good.
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