Filmmaker, media manager and the head of the Youth Portal Weekend OpenSpace. She studied Gestalt therapy and systemic family therapy. Mother of two sons.
Life is unpredictable. It seems that the pair will be infinitely happy, but after some time there alarm bells, Growing into a real roar farewell melody of tears, insults and partings.
So you've decided to leave. What's next?
are leaving immediately
No point in wasting each other's nerves on hysteria, return, wild explanations and next door slamming. The most important thing - to calm internal a furious beast, cause feelings in adequate condition and try to return a normal attitude.
Leave immediately and permanently. Increasing the distance - one of the most important first steps.
Take only the most necessary things. The rest can be picked up later asking for help from friends or hire movers. Just check with the former partner, when he was not home.
Do not cultivate a sufferer
If the initiator of the divorce - your spouse, you should not hang the label of eternal loser and cry into my pillow at night.
At some point, when everything settles, you can, of course, if you want to discuss on a calm head all the reasons your former act.
And now try to accept this fait accompli, and remember that you are a person, quietly survived more than one separation. And at the moment you are only able to support himself and put on his feet.
Do not sprinkle ashes on his head
The initiator of the divorce - you? Just admit the act and ask for the most suitable solution to the situation would be for the person whom you have insulted and offended. Perhaps you do not want to see more. Or asked to be given time to sort out the confusion in his head.
Quietly agree with the fact that you were not up to par, but let's not sit around your neck.
Do not waste your strength on self-deception and attempts to deny his snub. Even if the reason for divorce - your former partner, there is no point to prove his guilt. In the end, you chose divorce as the lesser of two evils.
Do not lie to parents and children
Hiding the fact from their parents divorce or its cause, you do not give them peace of mind and tranquility. On the contrary, most people close to you will suffer from nedogovoronnosti and various assumptions.
Say that be sure to discuss it with them later, you only need now is to be left for a time in peace.
Children always feel what was happening and did not suffer less than you. Just rarely talk about this. Divorce is a severe test for all family members, but you should try to children, he passed the most painless.
The only thing you will achieve silencing - is that the child will choose the most suffering of the two of you and take him.
Take care of the child's mind, and try to follow a few rules:
- Do not make the child a girlfriend or boyfriend. Stay loving adult for him, which is not advisable as it behave and not asking to keep a secret mental agony.
- Show him that you know how to act, and in control.
- Let him know that the child will always be able to communicate with both parents, which he still loves.
Do not run from the pain
All will pass. Not now. And not a month later. You have to realize and accept a new life, Try to get used to it and adjust by itself. Even if divorce is formally completed, it is still a few months will continue in your heart.
Do not run from the pain. Pain within reasonable limits - that's life. We'll have to go through the discomfort. Sidled around them fail.
Do not start a new relationship once only in order to drown out the memories. Replacing multiple partners, you still will return to where we started. Give yourself time. Periodically, you will feel that you do not feel anything, and then you will be covered with emotions with a bang.
It will pass. This pain, disgust, a feeling of emptiness and worthlessness - all this is temporary.
As a rule, the period of experience does not last more than a year. Therefore gather your forces and reassure themselves. All necessarily improve.
Do not generalize
After a negative experience it is very difficult to resist the order to distribute it to all and sundry. "All Men Are goats", "Baba - solid bitches, they are nothing but trouble!". Stop, stop.
Ability to organize and isolate similar difficulties in the relationship is sometimes beneficial. But summing up, you depersonalize the former partner or the Lady, turning them into soulless scheme, mummies of the past.
Disappears actual people. And if he was? In whom you fall in love? It is in him or in the image? Maybe you fell in love with the very desire to be in love? Or in their desires and fears?
Think of your relationship. How did you meet, the first emotions, words of love, first kiss. How you spend your time, we laugh at, through the difficulties have been together.
If you fall in love is not a specific person, and you think about it, it will not be able to meet them.
Analyze what you expect from the relationship, it is a person you want to see next to him. Consider whether you are willing to let into your life a real person and not a collective image of your dreams, ideas and aspirations.
Remember that absolutely everyone is different and worthy of true love. Mentally thank the former half of the wonderful moments and release with the world. Ahead of you are waiting for a new, exciting future!
"How do I start to live and do not screw it up," Catherine Horikova
Buy on Litres.ruBuy on Amazon