Why you do not need to get married
Relations / / December 19, 2019
How do views on marriage
If you ask a modern man, why bother to get married, the answer is likely to be as follows: to link their lives with a close friend, with whom we share interests, romantic feelings, sexual desire and a relationship of mutual support.
However, this view of marriage appeared not so long ago. Ever since ancient times marriage was seen as an event of political or socially useful, not private. In particular, why it is so famous Romeo and Juliet, who moved into a tragedy of Shakespearean drama of Lope de Vega "Kastelviny and Montes." Instead observe the interests of the family, the couple chose to twist love - a scandal and drama!
Only when the western world spread and took the lead in the class of the bourgeoisie, people discoveredDiane Ackerman, "General History of Love"That marriage may be based primarily on the tender feelings spouses to each other.
Over time, as more and more women began to acquire the material and social independence in the first world, marriage has become a matter of personal. Simply put, it is now possible to enter not for the sake of dynastic necessity, children or survival, but simply because they want to. At the same time to be with someone you love and support each other financially and emotionally, stamp in the passport is not required.
However, social pressure, expressed in the question "When to get married?", Yet not gone anywhere. In the first place it is aimed specifically at women. Indeed, historically, when they had little opportunity to get an education and a career, a successful marriage was considered the highest point of success. But now things are changing, and if for some reason you do not want to get married (now or at all), you can not give in to provocations.
Why marriage is not necessarily today
1. Marriage does not guarantee happiness
Often, for a desperate desire to marry standing desire to achieve personal happiness. No wonder many tales end with the words "And they lived happily ever after." However, mental harmony is not related to family status.
You can be happy without being married, and not being in a relationship - or to be unhappy in the marriage.
subjective well-being studies often find that marriage is positively correlatedHow's Life at Home? New Evidence on Marriage and the Set Point for Happiness with happiness level. However, other scientists sayThe New Science of Single PeopleWhat about their satisfaction marriage show people who are already in it are made - their level of spiritual harmony compared to the level of single people. Whereas for the full statistics should be asking the same question to people after a divorce.
Anyway, marriage itself does not save us from psychological problems. On the contrary, existing dissatisfaction, anxiety and neurotic states can migrate into a relationship with another person and undermine them from within. Other people do not give out happiness as Wi-Fi. Responsibility for their own feelings we carry. Still Immanuel Kant taught to treat the person as an end and not as a means.
2. Marriage does not guarantee stability
There is a mistaken belief that a woman's life after the wedding will be arranged. Behind these words lies the desire stability - both material and personal (search for "the very" ended, and it is forever).
Installation on the search for material well-being at the expense of another person, in principle, quite questionable.
After all, understanding of the relationship as a union of equal people assume that they remain together, because so want to, not because it is for someone profitable. Of course, the support, including material - part of a relationship. And sometimes there are cases where a stamp in the passport makes it easy situation associated with obtaining citizenship or property issues. However, the main reason for this still should be a mutual desire (of course, if you do not intend to enter into a marriage of convenience with the agreed rules in advance).
Even if we are talking about a great love, we must remember that nothing is eternal does not exist. Usually brides and grooms do not believe that this can touch them exactly, however, about halfIn 2016, the number of marriages decreased by 15%, divorces - 0.5% marriages in Russia end in divorce. Does this mean that it is necessary to get married does not mean, because the relationship can be stopped? Not at all. However, it is one of the possible outcomes that need to be taken into account. And the search for something unchanging precisely should not be the motivation for marriage.
3. Marriage is not a panacea for loneliness
Loneliness - one of the main fears of man. It is associated with even the development of disease. According to some reportsLoneliness is a unique predictor of age-related differences in systolic blood pressureAmong single people above the morbidity and mortality from cardiovascular problems. At the same time, the study we are talking about elderly people who are in total social isolation.
In general, a person has a lot of opportunities to find a company and outside marriage - among relatives, colleagues and friends with the same interests. And certainly the body anyway, do you and your partner stamps in their passports.
It is possible to be lonely in a marriage. Complaints about the lack of understanding and lack of emotional intimacy with her husband - something with which often have to deal with the psychologists. according to a studyHow's Life at Home? New Evidence on Marriage and the Set Point for HappinessWherein we studied the relationship marriage and life satisfaction, well-being of those whose husbands or wives could well be their best friends, was the highest.
The question is not whether the people are legitimate spouses, and how to build their relationships.
4. Wedding - it's expensive
And it's not just how much we can afford, and is why it is generally necessary. For many, it is important not just to sign the registry office, but also to arrange a great celebration - with cake, fluffy dress and flowers around the corner. In the English-speaking world brides who wish to begin manic "ideal wedding"And bring these others, jokingly referred to as" braydzilla "- words from the bride and godzilla.
Whatever may be the gorgeous wedding ceremony, it will not affect the success of the relationship. In fact, this is just a vanity fair.
For the wedding take out loans and go into debt. This money is spent mainly on the organization of the event, food, clothes for the bride and groom. According toweddings Economy: How much is a holiday and where to find the money for it Representatives wedding agencies, in Moscow the average cost of the event amounted to 2.3 million rubles in 2017. And this despite the fact that the size of the state dutyVital Records Office of civil status of the city of Moscow: the amount of duty for a marriage certificate - only 350 rubles.
Meanwhile, today more and more people are thinking about conscious consumption and about whether to spend money on things that we use only once and that have no value, except for status. Wedding money would be rational to invest in property or buy a car.
5. External pressure is also not a reason
Even if frazochki like "How is it you do not want all want to" make you laugh just the pressure of significant people difficult to ignore. This may be one of the main irritants associated with the proposed marriage.
Remember, no matter what your relatives or friends, taking vital decisions is you.
To get involved in the disputes are not necessarily enough to understand their desires. Following the parent scriptEric Berne. Group psychotherapy and transactional analysis - a dubious way as preference antistsenariya in which the subject seeks to do everything contrary to (for example, in spite of the public and parents). But awareness of action helps to achieve inner freedom.
In some heavily affected by other people's photos from weddings to social networks. Obsessive fear to miss something important call FOMO - fear of missing out, or syndrome of lost profits. Seeing pictures of important events in the life of the familiar, easy to fall into a similar trap: if they do, maybe I need? However, comparing yourself with others is not always productive. Your needs and desires are different, and that's fine.
Sometimes Wedding Favors One of the partners, and Do not have another one. This is a much more serious problem than other people's photos to Instagram. If you are more and more often return to this conversation, perhaps it should be continued with a family psychologist.
Maybe your relationship is good, and so, therefore, stamp in the passport will not make them better. Maybe you do not have any relationship, and yet you do not aspire to it. In any case, the right to marry belongs to you as much as the right not to do so.
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