Why is it so difficult to understand each other and how to fight it

Imagine the situation: you come to the doctor and see before you is a wonderful and friendly professional who listens to you carefully, and trying very hard to help. Later, you have a few questions, you will find a doctor to Facebook. And suddenly you realize that a private page it is not so cute as he was in his office. Fasting poisonous quotes from medical groups, cynical jokes and refuses to communicate with patients outside of work.

You are at a loss, because even in the morning, he looked so adorable. And wondering what happened to him. But in fact, nothing much happened. You just become a victim of cognitive traps, the name of which - the distortion in the description character. This tendency to perceive itself as a volatile and complex personality, and the other - as a clear, predictable and primitive people. We understand why this is happening.

Why do we understand each other badly

We forget about the external conditions

In the 70s, psychologists Edward Jones and Richard Nisbet found

The Actor-Observer Asymmetry in Attribution amusing fact. In the role of an observer, we focus only on the individual and his actions, in other words, at the dispositional factors. And in the role of the participant to focus on external, situational circumstances: how we feel if we were comfortable, not interfere with us whether someone.

If we ourselves - volatile, complex and delicate feelings and the other person - the robot, which is not affected by external factors and circumstances.

So, a student, a professor explaining why wrote a bad report, will tell that he was tired, he asked a lot, unwell or quarreled with the girl. But the teacher sees before him only a lackadaisical student who does not do the job. Circumstances that influenced the student, for the teacher does not exist. This misconception is calledActor and observer perceptions of the learning of a task - the effect of participant-observer.

Conclusions Jones and Nisbet confirmedDifferences in Trait Ascriptions to Self and Friend: Unconfounding Intensity from Variability In 1982 psychologist Daniel Kammer. He asked subjects to evaluate their own behavior and the behavior of friends using a questionnaire with polar-choice questions: calm - hot-tempered, cautious - courageous and so on. It turned out that people think they are more flexible, changeable and multifaceted than the surrounding, and more willing to listen to their worries, thoughts and feelings than to others. It is not surprising, is it?

We can not live without stereotypes

To make it easier to navigate in the world and make decisions, we classify objects, events and people. This is called categorization. It is because it appears stereotypes each group of objects or phenomena we attribute certain features and distribute them to all its representatives in general.

Assessing the unfamiliar person, we look at the gender, nationality, clothes and with a set of ready-made stereotypes done quickly and often superficial conclusions.

They are, as a rule, there is no place of this person - we just create a collective image in my head.

Here, incidentally, lie two more cognitive traps. Due to the distortion ofSelf-Serving and Group-Serving Bias in Attribution in favor of the group people believe that "their" better around "them." In assessing the similarity of the distortion of another group leads to the fact that "their" we believe more diverse. For example, it seemsDepth of Processing in Response to Own- and Other-Race FacesThat the representatives of another race similar to each other so that they can hardly be distinguished: "They all look the same!"

We rely on the available examples

About availability heuristicProbably already heard all. This is one of the most popular (so to speak) of thinking errors. The bottom line is that the person making the forecasts and conclusions based on the available examples that first come up in his memory.

Statement we know a lot - more than on anyone else. And speaking of others, we can only rely on memories, images and templates that slips our memory. "Doctors are helping people, they are kind and selfless. Is this man a doctor. So, it should be nice and obliged to help me at any time "- it works like this.

We just do not have enough information about the person. And here originates many illusions.

For example, the illusion of transparency - when it seems that everything we know about ourselves, and know others. Participants of the experimentThe illusion of transparency and the alleviation of speech anxiety had to hide their true feelings - do not show that the beverage that they try, bitter. Then they were asked to evaluate whether the good they did. Most felt that observers easily recognize their lies. This is because we have difficulty to abstract from the knowledge of ourselves.

Where does an incorrect assessment of the surrounding

Illusions and standardized images often have nothing to do with real people. And this dissonance can lead to errors, misunderstandings and conflicts. we We expect of certain human actions and reactions, but he feels not at all what we imagined. For example, head, wanting to improve the results of their team, writes subordinate prize, forgetting that they need not only money, but also to praise and support.

Personal conflicts - it's not so bad.

Incorrect and simplified assessment of other people - "feature to distort features," as he calledThe «trait» of ascribing traits: Individual differences in the tendency to trait ascription her researcher David Thunder - leads to hatred, prejudice, dangerous stereotypes and different types of discrimination. We refuse to others that they are just people - volatile and multifaceted.

The fact that they do not resemble each other, even if united by common characteristics: race, gender, income, sexual orientation. The result is a dangerous illusion, if not a man, as a template, a social category in front of us, "worker", "woman", "the son of wealthy parents." And that means that you can deal with it accordingly.

How not to fall into the trap

There will require sensitivity and awareness. To avoid becoming a victim of superficial judgments and not to provoke a conflict, should at all times keep in mind that before you as living man and his torn by hundreds of conflicting thoughts and feelings. That his behavior is influenced by many internal and external factors and it is not obliged to meet your expectations.

It will not be superfluous to find out more about the man: what he's interested, he reads, what dreams. Then your eyes will become more voluminous, integral and alive, and it is difficult to be hung on it non-existent features and characteristics.

Grow empathy - the ability to empathize. Listen carefully to the interlocutors, be interested in their thoughts and emotions, often put themselves in the place of another. And learn to recognize and express their emotions - that's the key to understanding others.