8 encouraging phrases for those who failed

1. I can conclude from my failures

Imagine this: you focus on making a profit, and a year later lost all his money. Is not it a failure?

In the business world, there is a story, probably fictitious, about a young manager, to which the president of the company handed over the project. A year later, the project turned off, even though he had spent millions. The President called the young leader to him.

He was worried: "I lose my job? I failed in this important matter. The boss thinks I'm a loser. " However, the president said, "Mark, I have a new project for you. In fact, he was even more impressive than the last. "

Mark sighed with relief, but was a little embarrassed and said to the president: "I am very pleased to receive this new project. But to be honest, I expected you to fire me after I lost the last project. " - "fire you? Hell, I'm not going to kill you after they spent millions on your training! "

Most chief interested in learning. Bill learned? He can apply this knowledge in a new project?

Watch the girl collecting puzzle. It tries to connect the pieces, which together do not fit. It fails or studying? Solving crossword, you will find that the word that you have written is not suitable. You have failed or have learned something? What have you learned and how you can use it now?

Failure has the connotation of finality: "It's over. You failed. " But training gives perspective and expands opportunities.

There is an even more effective way to use the "failure": learn from others' failures. When considering business marketing plan, the first thing they learn by what strategies someone succeed, and how someone failed.

My friend was planning to open his own private practice. He spoke with a very successful practitioners, and not very successful. He wanted to know what worked and what did not work.

Failure - is information. Model behavior that failed, gives you more information than ever before about what you can do and how to do something is not necessary, if you want to achieve a specific goal.

Children and adults who show perseverance use failure as a learning experience to advance to the potentially more effective behaviors.

But we are often ashamed of our failure and do not want to see them again. We send down to the dismal failure of the event, it does not contain anything valuable. I would prefer to studying the failures, you ask yourself, what are the important lessons to be learned from them.

2. My failure can challenge me

Another way to react to disappointment - to treat it as a challenge. Carol Dweck, who studies children's motivation, records on film what the kids say to themselves when not cope with the task.

She studied two different groups: children who surrender, failing (helpless), and children who remain unconvinced or correct it when fail (persistent).

Helpless say, "I can not get this thing. I do nothing. And I can give up. " Resistant, in contrast, say, "Wow, that's great. I love challenges! "When children see failure as a challenge, they are activated, and try harder. They reflect on their "failure" in terms of what can be learned.

Like children who are faced with the failure, you can choose how to react to fail: to abandon what was considered too difficult to find the motivation to try harder.

Psychologists refer to the motivation of competence or the efficiency of the motivation to specify how often to overcome the obstacles which are slowing down the implementation of tasks, further motivates us.

Persistence in solving a specific problem can increase our ability to deal with other challenges. This phenomenon is known as a learned industriousness.

According Eisenberger theory, people differ in how they are making efforts trying resist failure and use self discipline (instead guided only momentary benefit). If your actions are backed only by the results (success or failure), the failure can lick you.

In comparison, if you navigate to the process, then showed incredible tenacity even in the face of failure. Research psychologists Quinn, Brandon and Copeland have shown that people with a higher degree of learned hard work are less likely to turn to smoking or substance abuse to cope with disappointments.

The experience of failure - it is an opportunity to feel that you are challenged and develop learned hard work - the ability required to overcome setbacks and disappointments, which are inevitable in life.

3. It was not important to the success of

Worried, you look at the situation narrowly you focus on a single target, the exclusion of all others, and, of course, think that its important goal. I believe that nature is wise: what is really necessary, do not receive the cancellation of your choice or will.

The blood must circulate through the body, a person must breathe and digest food. If you do not, you die. It is so important that you make it automatically.

Get good grades, earn a lot and meet a man or woman of your dreams right now is not a necessity.

Wally is concerned that it could at any moment dismiss. We studied his situation, and found that a certain probability of such an outcome is present. I told him the story, he heard from a psychiatrist Isaac Marx, the patient, who is constantly worried about what will pick up a venereal disease.

After many months of therapy (which had no effect on the patient's obsessions) he really contracted syphilis. To his surprise, he felt relieved: he learned that the disease is treatable, and participated in group therapy for people with sexually transmitted diseases.

We Wally studied the possibilities that will be available to him after the dismissal, for example private consulting. The following week I was called by Wally: "Bob, guess what? I have syphilis! "I asked him what he meant. "It's very similar to what you are told: I was fired and I decided to start his own consulting firm. I used some contacts, and I began to have customers. On my shoulders I dropped a huge stone. " Work in a particular company was not vital.

Almost every goal that you are trying to achieve or have achieved, not a necessity.

If so, you do not have to suffer so much. Admission to a certain school specific examination, an affair with this woman or this man, the appearance on the meeting time, an opportunity to look your best - it's goals that you deem necessary in different moments life. Now you may ask yourself, "How would change my life if I had not reached some of them?"

4. There are some behaviors that were not justified

Unable to reach the goal, you can conclude that all of your actions in this situation were unsuccessful. Does that make sense? Imagine that you have worked for a year and you are fired. You have come to the conclusion that everything that you do in the service, it was a continuous failure?

Steve worked pretty dubious company for about a year, when the company's financial problems led to his dismissal. He began to criticize themselves and plunged into a depression hanging over the label loser. I asked him to draw up a detailed job description for the previous year, and then to evaluate on a scale from 1 to 5 and all that he did at work.

After examining the evidence, he realized that he was very successful in almost all aspects of its business. We have examined in detail what new skills, knowledge and contacts he had acquired. As a result, Steve realized that he was now much more experienced than I was a year ago.

I assumed that he received an excellent education and drew some benefit in the form of wages. Steve liked the idea. A month later he went for an interview, where he was offered a post to which he agreed. Previous experience proved to be an important criterion for the new employer.

We often think that, if not achieve the goal, none of our effort will not pay off the entire investment of labor would be a waste of time.

For example, you may worry that your relationship will not last forever - and maybe it will. But was all that happened to you, a waste of time if your relationship ended? From 50 to 70% of marriages end in divorce. To think that a relationship that did not last forever, was a failure, would mean that almost all around - losers.

The perception of the relationship on the principle of "all or nothing" completely illogical: they had a lot of pleasant moments and important, even if they are over.

The final results can be ambiguous. But look at the life solely in terms of assessment (and only ideal) can lead to the fact that you start to underestimate their own experience.

If we follow this logic, everything that does not last until your last day is a waste of time.

5. All that it is impossible

One of the consequences of failure is the feeling of loneliness in trouble. You start to think that you just have no luck in life. Failure becomes something personal and not peculiar to people in general. You may decide that your failure is unique, you are qualitatively different from the others for the worse, I feel like a sort of tear on mankind, which, of course, consists of an incredibly successful in all affairs people.

Sharon felt devastated because of the recent failures at work. She was ashamed that others know about her failure and do not want to deal with her. I asked her to list five people whom she knew well, and who admired. Then I asked her to tell me, whether somebody from them any problems or failures. I figured one of her friends, who in all things failed, and in the role-playing game asked her to talk about my feelings with me about this.

After the role-playing game, Sharon said that when people shared with her unpleasant experience, she developed more respect them and feel closer to them. This proved to her two things:

1. All fail, even people she admires.
2. If talk about the failure of a good friend, it can help you get closer (in fact, it is the story of the success is able to push some people).

When Fred was in college, he received three for their work in the economy. private service has been proposed in this paper for convenience items, which will compete with the post office. The professor thought it was unrealistic and foolish. Two years after graduating from college, Fred Smith founded Federal Express.

The first company of Henry Ford went bankrupt, and the founders of Standard Oil unsuccessfully sought oil for many years, until he finally found it.

Successful people They build their success on their own failures. Everyone falls when learning to walk, everyone loses in tennis, every stock investor lost money - the more wins, the greater the loss.

Our culture makes too strong an emphasis on success and insufficient focuses on endurance, perseverance, resilience and humility.

Failure - this is normal. This is part of a relationship, work, sports, investment or even for someone cares.

If we can prove to ourselves that failure - is the norm, that with it comes the experience, we will be less worry and let us consider it as a part of the life process, a fee for involvement in the event.

6. Perhaps no one noticed

We often worry about what everyone notices our failures, discuss them, and remember constantly condemn us. Think how this egocentric imagination. Others do nothing else but sit and discuss our problems?

We fear that our failure may seem to other people so badly that they will think about it.

I went on a psychological conference with my graduate students, and we acted reports. In the audience were probably a hundred people. Teri, who represented his first report, told me that she's worried that everyone in the audience will notice, she was nervous.

She was worried that someone will ask a question to which she could not answer, and it will look like a fool. I asked her how someone could see that she was worried about what he sees or hears? She feared that her voice will give out or in the audience will notice how her hands were shaking.

I asked Terry, as she heard the speakers at the conference. There were about 15. And what she remembered about their concerns? Nothing. Interestingly no one noticed that the majority of speakers were concerned, although it would be fair.

Maybe people do not notice - or do not remember - mistakes, problems or failures.

Or let's take as an example the Don - the TV presenter, who was sure that people see how he was nervous and make mistakes in the air. I asked him on what grounds the viewer will be able to determine its concern. He realized that his judgment is based on his own subjective experiences. He felt anxious and, of course, always knew about his anxiety. Therefore, I come to the conclusion that all viewers are available to the same information.

He suffered from a disorder called the illusion of transparency, and the thought that one can determine its status. I suggested that Don watch recordings with his participation, and determine whether it is to say, when he could have felt the anxiety and anxiety symptoms were noticeable. He could not do anything to find, especially on a small TV screen.

7. Failure means that I tried. Do not try to worse

We have already discussed the idea of ​​learned diligence, ie pride in the efforts made to achieve the goal. People with unlearned diligence is not just focused on results and less inclined to share the experience of success and failure. They are less depressed, less anxious and less likely to rely on a variety of substances (such as alcohol and drugs), to cope with their emotions.

Carol complained about the lack of enjoyment of life, Depression, and hopelessness. I asked her to keep track of what she was doing every hour during the week, and evaluate any deal in terms of fun and skill (how it was effective or competent).

When she showed a graph of the activity, we've noticed that most of the time she thinks about her depression. She felt better when she talked with her husband or with friends, but also with them, she spent much less time with since plunged into depression.

I asked her to make more joint business with others and some independent interests. She is interested in photography, so I start take pictures. At first she did not think that her work will be good (fairly typical negative filter for the depressed person).

But just trying to do something, exerting some effort, she already felt a little better. She said, "You know, the feeling that I have tried to bring relief." I explained to his rule of thumb:

The environment is a natural reinforcement for positive behavior.

In other words, close to Carol were the people and activities that could support its attempts. The more Carol tried, the better she felt. It also strengthened its control over its own mood, as it became clear that her mood depends on the behavior patterns that it uses.

In the end her depression disappeared. Carol moved from the evaluation result to the learned hard work - the ability to see a point of pride in the effort.

8. I just began

Imagine that you 33 years. I ask you to look back at all the complex skills that you have acquired in life. It can be connected with the sport, learning a language or mastering something new. Have you encountered some "failures" and "disappointments" in this way?

Must be a lot of times you feel frustrated and were even willing to give up, but still persevere. You may think that if something does not work now, then it's over. I see it as "you're just getting started."

When I was in college, my friend and I went to Larry the gymTo lose weight. Every week in the gym came another young man in a bad shape. All training he lifted a huge weight to the limit of their capabilities. I told Larry, "Well, we did not see more. He will return home feeling a terrible pain that never wants to come here. " You could bet.

The activities of these athletes remained within the framework of the New Year's promise: "This year I'm going to get in shape and start doing it right now. I'll do it properly. " Like all New Year's resolutions, it will turn failure.

The reason is that the best way to establish a new model of behavior - to shape it in the process of gradually increasing the frequency and intensity of certain actions.

If you want to jogging, you should probably start with a brisk walk for 5 minutes, then gradually increase the pace and jog the next couple of months. You need to put in your body shape or behavior. Starting immediately with heavy loads, you can create the illusion of a day that you are dead set against its new program. But it's almost a guarantee that in the near future you will refuse it.

Only the sequence leads to success.

Look at their behavior as part of a long process of evolution, self-modification, change. If you are expecting immediate results, but do not get them, you can tell yourself that just started. You still have to count.

Book by Robert Leahy "Cure for nerves. How to stop worrying and enjoy life"Will help curb anxiety and to focus attention on the possibility of a failure.

Buy