1. Decide who you want to be
With three adjectives describe what kind of person you want to be. Perhaps in time the image will change, but the fact of its existence is very important: The selected quality will serve you a valuable reference and a basis for decisions and actions. Perhaps some quality will be relevant short time, for a specific task or goal. Others will stay with you for a long time. Decide for yourself. Adjectives need not be severe. Perhaps you have experienced difficult times, so pick yourself up.
Consider whether you want to be: a positive, courageous, kind, skilled, strong, motivated, relaxed, optimistic, wise, soft, loving, persistent, generous, compassionate, open, efficient, friendly, active, energetic, patient, happy, generous, passionate, disciplined, responsible, caring.
Walk like a man whom you would like to become, and eventually you will become them. Be your own lighthouse and landmark.
2. Monitor your reactions
Very often you will have to mobilize all internal resources to remain strong and courageous. You must recognize that unpleasant
emotions do not run away and not to separate them by hand. You have to look them in the face, to recognize these feelings, how to sort them out and learn to control them. [...]It is important to remember that when people hurt your feelings - either intentionally or accidentally. They do not always realize the impact of their words and deeds. At such moments, I try not to forget that people are only projected on me own attitude. Impulsively in response to a replica of the interlocutor, you give him your strength. If I see that the person is really trying to hurt me, mentally I pick up a shield with a mirror, converts to his side to protect himself and to show him that he now says is not about me, but about currently.
Of all the tips received in the life of one of the most useful proved to be the following: You can not influence the way how will you deal with people, or to change any situation, but you can control your reaction to them.
You can not change the wind direction, but is able to manage your sails.
The same goes for life in solitude: perhaps you would like to share a home with another adult or have a family, but the reality is that near empty, so only from your attitude to this situation will depend on how happy you will be for such a life.
According to my own experience, the difficulties we harden. A grain of sand in the shell turns into a pearl. So think of all the trouble - and they will - as the curtains, passing through which you will become stronger and wiser. And if you urgently need to throw out the raging emotions, take a dozen eggs, and go for a walk in the woods; with all his might fling eggs in the trees - and feel as anger comes to replace the satisfaction!
3. Take a look at the loneliness down
The fact that no one is near, does not mean anything. The problem is loneliness, which appears under different masks. It can hide behind the sadness, apathy, indifference, fatigue, depression. It is palpable. It really is. So simple it does not fall behind. How to overcome it?
Understand that it is normal. take your loneliness and live on. The feeling of loneliness can not escape. It is a fact. Everyone I spoke to in the course of working on the book, touched on the theme of loneliness. Everyone experiences this feeling: some are more, others - less. You like driving on hilly terrain and at times descend into the dark lowlands. This feeling is expected. The main thing - do not linger in the lowlands, is not there to break camp.
To deal with the upcoming sense of loneliness can be moral and physical means. The first is much more important. You can, of course, physically surround yourself with people, but because your self-perception has nothing to do with them. This is an internal attitude. You can not hide from it; you just will flee from you. So accept, reconcile and live with him further.
Accept the fact that the feeling of loneliness, as well as happiness, sadness, death, birth, love and delight - it is an integral part of human nature.
Humble and live on.
4. Replace the "loneliness" to "privacy"
Paul Tillich wrote: "The tongue of the wise separates the two sides of the same phenomenon. There is a word "loneliness", denoting suffering without the other. And there's the word "privacy", indicating no other blessedness. Turn away from his loneliness criticism and isolation. Turn to face his brother more welcoming - solitude.
Solitude closer to the conscious decisions and allows to maintain a sense of self-worth. Privacy - your personal choice, while loneliness - a condition imposed by the circumstances.
Old Buddhist saying goes, "a tenth of an inch difference - and the sky and the earth divided." Solitude and loneliness are also divided a tenth of an inch, but it is crucial to our sense of self.
When you live alone, you have to rethink their perception of the world, and that's not all changes. Even do not try to treat a life in solitude as imprisonment, which you have to serve. Change the angle of view. Reformulate the concept. Solitude - it's not a stone in the neck, and a protective capsule. Means to an end. Learn to draw him in power - and will be rewarded.
5. Happiness is optional
"If you want to be happy, whether they" - Tolstoy said. He knew something about life even before scientists studying happiness come to grips with the problem, the authors have begun a race to write your practical guide for those wishing to find the joy of life.
The world is how you see it. So if you feel that you've missed your chance, or that life has treated unjustly with you, that is your reality. I'm not saying you need to think positively with an artificial smile on his face, but the results of research (and common sense) suggests that the positive inner attitude leads to positive result. In the morning, as soon as his feet touched the floor, think about how you would like to spend the day ahead.
Experts have proven that feeling of happiness contributes to the success, not vice versa.
6. Increase your power by means of the totem
We single people as aerial acrobats in the circus, performing without a safety net. Criticism and sarcastic comments in the two accounts can lead us out of balance, and I do not cease to surprise and disappoint their number. Part of the proceeds from strangers part - from friends and enemies masquerading as friends. Most of these people do not know what it means to live alone, and do not realize the extent to which their statements hurt us.
Okay, no big deal, life goes on. Without false optimism, I am sure that the difficulties harden us and make it possible to learn something, even if the development of the lesson may take many years. Perhaps our offenders are also something to learn.
We have to become thick-skinned. Wrap in an imaginary protective cloak, and let it reflect all the insults.
I learned resilience from three animals and began to consider their own totems. It is a wild dog, lion and buffalo.
Wild dog Solo
IN childhood I was given a book by Hugo van Lavika "Solo". It tells the story about a puppy African Wild Dog. After the death of the brothers in a fight with other dogs Solo is one. She nailed to a strange pack and struggling to keep up with her. Strangers ignore her, but she does not give up. For me, this dog with glowing eyes and torn ears from numerous fights - the embodiment of vitality. Her story is an example for me.
Lioness
In that period of my life when the divorce was going, I accidentally ran into one image that made a deep impression on me. On the bas-relief in the British Museum, I saw a lioness Assyrian: wounded, she continues to fight. Now I see a lonely lioness, rejuvenate, discreet and proud.
Buffalo
Did you know that during a snow storm of all living creatures only bison instinctively turn around and go straight to the heart of the storm, knowing that this is the shortest path to salvation. Perhaps I too was fascinated by anthropomorphism, but it is impossible not to fall in love with an animal which, without batting an eye, rushes to meet difficulties.
Perseverance Solo, desperate resistance of the lioness and the ability bison face difficulties remind me that I must not give in to negativity of pessimists, spiteful critics and imaginary friends.
7. Turn your single life to the project
Why not write a book about the history of life in solitude or not document it? What helps? What advice would you give to other people who find themselves in the same situation? What difficulties have you faced and what lessons are learned? How did the self-perception of the process of changing from "I'm alone" to "I'm alone?"
Many women described their experience solitary life, including Joan Anderson ( "The Year of the Sea» [A Year By the Sea]), Ann Morrow Lindberg ( "Present sea") and Alix Kates Shulman ( "Reveling rain» [Drinking the Rain]). Read. Perhaps you will find in these books something inspiring.
full a life Alone - it is an internal attitude, which in itself is not formed. Explore a new experience, as if caught in a strange country, and draw a map of your life alone, like an island. What good is this island, and where there are problems? What beauty you are proud of? Which corners have not been investigated?
8. Be kind to yourself
We, women, prone to severe self-criticism, and I think that life in solitude aggravates this is our property. Sometimes I feel the central mast of the dome of the circus - when you have to answer for it all at once - and not always successfully cope with this load. We demand too much from yourself and when you do not justify their own expectations, it greatly undermines our self-esteem.
Not all going smoothly. So do not think about the others. Congratulate yourself for the progress made and do not be afraid of what remains to be done. It will succeed.
Each of us has our own way, and all of it's different.
9. Find your ikigai - its purpose
The Japanese have such a thing as ikigai - reason, forcing them wake up in the morning. This is a healthy person to pull that fills his life with meaning; in other words - the purpose. Find it - then acquire the direction of movement; it's like noting your destination in Google Maps.
If you do not put in front of such global problems as the search for the ultimate goal or vocation, if you did not before, do not worry. Not everyone is born for a great mission.
In our life there are many threads of experience points the way to the goal. It happens that it is already known, but perhaps lies in the periphery or in the past. Take a look into the depths of his consciousness, and look as it should. The goal need not be global and great. The main thing is that it suits you. She will find; and do not be too hard for her to chase. Life is constantly talking to us and giving tips. Our task - to listen.
10. Be yourself a good company, inspiration and support group
You - themselves a team. A team of one man. You spend more time with him than anyone else, so try to be a good company to ourselves. I was lucky. I feel good with myself. But if you are all wrong, how we can improve the situation?
People rarely do other compliments or praise them, so fill that vacuum yourself. Do not wait until someone tells you to "well done" or "great job." Systematically approving pat yourself on the back. You do not become discouraged and move on - it is worthy of praise.
11. Slam the door in front of the noses of all negative
If you are plagued by negative thoughts, do not dismiss them, and confessed. You can even give them names, if it will help: "You - the pettiness," "you - impatience," "you - the fatigue and frustration." And now with the determination of Nora slam the door in their faces, that they no longer spoil your life.
Instead of complaining about how and why you ended up in this or that situation, find the nearest reflecting surface and in the ears tell us that you are going to do with this situation.
Of course, in life anything can happen. I do not live in a dream world, and do not wear rose-colored glasses. My heart is still a little compressed by the sound of his "thank you" to the cashier at the supermarket, said a hoarse voice from a day of silence. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night can not sleep from experiences. I do not have a soothing feeling that there are a number of people to whom you can rely on.
Thoughts in your head is not idle, and the negative always makes his dirty deed. They whisper in your ear: "You are old. You're ugly. You're a loser. You are fat. Unless you can love? What good is your world? "Women are by nature very strong, and doubly a shame that we voluntarily becomes a hostage of those nasty voices in my head.
Deal with them as you can, do not succumb to their pernicious influence. We must deprive them of power, otherwise they will take root and blossom in full bloom. Do not allow yourself to wallow in the familiar dissatisfaction with everyone and everything: an emotional impasse. Pull yourself out of the swamp, brush off the dirt and move on. You choose your thoughts.
12. Act as if ...
The words we choose, significantly affect our sense of self, our approach to many things, the outcome of our actions. The more you say, "I want ..." or "I need to ...", the less likely get what you want. Instead, proceed as if everything has already happened and you will reap the rewards. Replace "I would like to be successful" to "I am successful" and "I would like to have a job that I like" to "I have a wonderful job" and behave accordingly. You will immediately notice the dramatic change in his relation to the world. Such an inner attitude much more likely to lead you to success.
I am confident in the effectiveness of this technique, because she was forced to find a full-scale operation, when I was already in his fifties - and everything turned out. Now here again, we have to do it. Harmful inner voice whispers, "I'm too old, no one will take me to work." I somehow understand that these prophecies turn into self-fulfilling prophecy, so deliberately changed the internal setting to "Now I bring a lot of benefits to its customers. I'm calm for their abilities, confidence in them, I have behind substantial valuable experience. "
However, sitting at home, doing positive auto-training, reading the "secrets" and eating donuts, I can hardly find a job. To this end, I have to shake up their communications and send resume with a compelling cover letter. Now I come to this task with confidence and act as if ...
If we act on the principle of "as if ..." you can not, try to rephrase Problems in a positive, pragmatic way, look at them as challenges, for which just need to find solutions.
- It was: "I can not afford it." It was: "How to make sure that I could afford it?"
- It was: "I can not." It was: "How do I manage?"
- It was: "I think it's difficult." Was: "I have been working in this direction."
- It was: "I should have." It was: "I do."
In general, the idea is clear.
This too shall pass
When problems keep piling all at once and you start to think that your lodchonka is about to pick up water, assess what is happening in the future. Whatever difficulties you are not confronted, it's just a tiny dot on the line of your life. After a year or in five events today will mean much less or even forgotten. You are stronger than you think.
Australian writer Jane Matthews believes that the ability to be alone and still enjoy life - Skill simple, but requires some effort and mental labor. About how to study foreign language. In his book, "Life in solo style. How to live alone and enjoy it, "she says frankly that helped her.
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