How to learn to listen to children and why it is important

Why don't people listen to their children?

Modern technologies are reducing face-to-face human communication. Over 80 years, the amount of time people spend listening to others decreased from 42 to 24%.

The use of smartphones is increasingly alienating us from each other and from our children. Today they have to compete for attention with electronic devices. Adults seem to disappear, talking on the phone or immersed in correspondence, and they do this all the time: at home, on a walk, while visiting a cafe.

In addition to distractions, special treatment of children also plays a role. In his book Parenting by Heart, Alfie Kohn explains that collective goodwill towards a growing child generation conditional at best.

Children are often considered irresponsible and rude, ascribed to them all sorts of vices and insisted on the need for strict control.

Because small members of society are devalued, it is easier for even good parents to treat their offspring with disrespect. Children are bullied unnecessarily, are not allowed to speak up, and are not taken seriously.

With such an attitude, it is much easier to brush aside “just another nonsense” that a child wants to share and scroll through his social network feed while he is talking about something important. And this has a bad effect both on the relationship between parents and children, and on the development and self-esteem the latter.

Why is it important to listen to your children?

There are several good reasons to pay more attention to what they say.

This will help build healthy self-esteem

By their behavior, parents show their child how important and interesting he is. If a person experiences neglect as a child, he can carry this throughout his life, considering himself less interesting and worthy than other people.

When you listen to your child, you show him that his view of the world matters to you and his opinion is important. This helps develop a positive attitude towards yourself and confirm your own value.

This will be good for development

According to self-determination theory, every person strives Satisfy your basic psychological needs for autonomy, competence and belonging.

Autonomy expresses the desire to feel like the initiator of one’s own actions. In other words, know that you are the one making the choice. Parents can support children's autonomy by helping them explore their values ​​and interests with minimal control and pressure, or to control, manipulate and instill feelings of guilt.

In the first case, children solve problems better feel themselves more competent and prosperous, succeeding in their studies and creativity.

And one of the key methods for developing autonomy is the ability to listen to a child and show empathy - to understand what he really feels. After all, this is the only way you can figure out what he really wants and help him decide on his values ​​and interests.

You will show how to communicate

Children copy parental behavior, including communication. So, if you don’t want your child to listen to you while looking at their phone, interrupting you and being distracted during a conversation, don’t do it yourself.

Yes, children can come up with their stories a million times a day and it is not always possible to listen to them thoughtfully. In this case, you can ask the child to hold off on telling the story, and when he has a free minute, remind him of this and listen with full attention.

You will find solutions to many problems

If you've talked to your child about their bad behavior and nothing has worked, it's probably not talk, but a monologue. For some reason, parents consider their boring educational lectures to be very productive, despite the fact that reality proves the opposite time and time again. The children don't even listen to them!

Switch to another mode. You will always have time to express your position - instead, try to listen to what the child tells you.

When solving any problem, it is first of all important to find its source. In the case of parenting, it is important to find out what children need and why they act in one way or another. In many situations, this is enough to ask a question and listen to the answer.

Alfie Kohn gave a great example of this approach. One father wrote him a letter about the incident of his four-year-old daughter. The girl brought home a pack of snacks and laid them on the floor in the living room, making a mess. Her father asked her to put the treats back in the bag and take them to the table, but the girl refused. At first, dad wanted to scold the naughty child, but then he decided to ask why she didn’t want to fulfill his request. The girl replied that she was going to eat them. This solved the problem.

The father explained to his daughter that he just wanted to get rid of the mess in the living room and she could easily eat them after putting them away in a bag. The girl immediately removed the snacks and put the bag on the table.

If you build a trusting relationship with your child and learn to listen to what he really worries, worries and concerns, in the future this will help you to be aware of all the real problems and in a timely manner solve them.

How to learn to listen to your children

It's actually quite simple.

Make time

To fully concentrate on a conversation, you first need to get rid of all distractions: put away your phone, turn off the TV, and so on. You can enter the tradition of family dinner without gadgets. This is wonderful ritual, which will allow you to keep in touch, even if you are very busy the rest of the day. In addition, you can find time for thoughtful communication, for example, while taking a walk or doing some creative activity.

Practice active listening

This technique will give your child will understand that you are really interested in the conversation.

First of all, give him your full attention. Make eye contact, listen without interrupting, and then reflect on what was said. You can also repeat the child’s words or talk through what feelings he is experiencing to make sure that you understood everything correctly.

In some cases, it is difficult to determine what children are experiencing, especially when they are upset.

Cry could be a sign of anger, fear, sadness, or some combination of feelings. In this case, you can make a guess: “You seem to be upset” or “Something seems to be bothering you.” If you guess wrong, the child will correct you.

Also keep in mind that it is not always necessary to say something in response. In some situations, for example when a child is very upset, words may be unnecessary. Listen to him, and then just be there - hug him, pat him on the head, hold his hand.

Respect your children and do not invalidate their feelings

All people deserve to be treated with respect, and children are no exception. Stop interrupting and pulling them back, talking sarcastic or sarcastic, don’t brush off requests, don’t discount emotions and fears.

Imagine that you are telling a friend about your misfortune, and in response he laughs at you and says: “Stop making things up.” It is unlikely that you will dare to tell such a person about your experiences again.

A flying ball, a broken stick, an offensive nickname At school, unfair assessment - all these problems can be very significant and cause a storm of emotions. Whatever your child shares, take it seriously. Try to get to the bottom of it and understand how he feels.

It is the attempt to understand the interlocutor that distinguishes a good listener from one who is simply waiting for his turn to speak.