7 phrases that will help you make peace after a quarrel

Most conflicts with loved ones sooner or later end in reconciliation, and this is great. When both you and your partner cool down and can speak calmly, you can try to figure out the reasons for the quarrel, make peace completely and decide how to prevent such situations in the future. Here are some phrases that can help with this.

1. Please tell me what made you angry

Maybe you don't yet see why your partner is angry, upset, or offended. This is natural: if you understood each other’s motives, you would hardly quarrel. But if now you sincerely want to understand what the situation looks like from the side of a loved one, you should just ask about it. And find out from your partner what he sees as the cause of the conflict.

Ask the question calmly, otherwise the quarrel may not end, but rather flare up with renewed vigor. If you really want to look at the conflict through the eyes of another, and not again start reproaching him for something, this question can become a step towards reconciliation.

2. Your desires are reasonable and understandable

You learned how a person sees the situation from his side. You may have heard arguments that you can agree with. Say it directly.

For example, your partner says it’s a problem for him that you wear headphones all the time. If he needs to tell you something, he repeats it two or even three times - otherwise you simply don’t hear. He didn't like it for a long time, and finally he exploded.

If you think that one day you too would get tired of not being heard, admit it. You can simply say: “Yes, it is a reasonable desire to feel that you are being treated attentively. It would also be unpleasant for me to keep repeating what has already been said.” Well, then the two of you can think about how to avoid such misunderstandings in the future. For example, you agree on a signal after which you will immediately remove your headphones.

3. I'm angry because...

Your partner doesn’t know how you see what’s happening. He can tell you what he doesn’t like, but at the same time he doesn’t notice what you consider a problem. Therefore, you should explain what the situation looks like from your point of view.

For example, in the headphone story, you could communicate that the best way for you to relax after work or school is to listen to music. But you don't want to turn up the volume at full volume so as not to disturb your partner. Because you know: he loves silence. And it hurt you that he had never spoken about the problem before the quarrel, but today he suddenly exploded. As a result, the conflict began completely unexpectedly for you.

Say whatever you think is necessary, but try to do it correctly. Speak calmly and kindly. Your task now is not to win the competition “who can come up with the most accusations against the other,” but to share with each other your vision of the problem.

Therefore, remember three simple rules:

1. Talk only about today's situation. Don’t remember what happened yesterday or last fall—it’s unnecessary now.
2. Use “I messages” instead of “you messages.” That is, say: “I feel bad... / I get upset... / It’s hard for me to control my anger because...” And try to avoid phrases like “It’s your fault, you always ruin everything.” Moreover, you should not use accusing language: “You are talking complete nonsense! You should learn some politeness!” Otherwise the quarrel will continue.
3. Give specific facts. You shouldn’t say: “I’m angry that I feel your indifference, but I don’t see any care or attention at all.” Such generalizations will only put your partner on the defensive and will certainly not help resolve disagreements. It’s better like this: “I’m upset that you immediately start a conversation about headphones with a scream.”

The second and third principles are also good because the correct I-message is difficult to formulate in a state of anger or resentment. This means you will have a good reason to calm down and take a sober look at the situation.

4. I didn't want to offend you

It is unlikely that each of you calmly set the goal of hitting the other as hard as possible. Most likely you both defended themselves and had no intention of hurting a loved one. It is also worth saying that you did not want to harm your partner. This will help both of you mentally lower your shields and unclench your fists.

If you want to hear similar words from your partner, ask him about it. You can also say: “I had no intention of hurting you. You do too, right?” If a loved one confirms that they don’t have a stone in their bosom, you both will feel relieved. This will help you make up faster.

Well, if it seems to you that your partner is speaking about the absence of aggressive intentions insincerely, you will receive a signal: in a relationship something needs to be changed.

5. Thank you for...

If you didn’t have a final fight, you definitely have something to thank each other for. But after a quarrel, people very rarely do this. Many people think that it is better to defend their own position to the last and never compromise. It seems to them that any step towards their partner is a sign of weakness. And also a signal that their interests can be ignored. This means, they think, they should not thank you, but continue to show their resentment.

But try to see what good your partner did in a conflict situation. For example, he did not continue to shout at you, but calmly said: “I was angry that you do not respond to messages in the messenger during the day, and in the evening you barely lift your head from your laptop when I appear at home. And also these headphones...” Thanks to your partner’s explanation, you can feel yourself in his place, feel his disappointment. You understand him a little better, and this can go for good your relationship. So, there is something to say thank you for.

6. How do you think we can solve the problem?

Or more simply: “What do you think we should do now?” Finding a way out together can be not only more useful, but also more pleasant than reproaching each other. And questions like these help transform a quarrel into a constructive dialogue.

Next, you should listen to your partner, offer your solution, and then discuss together how to fix the problem. Surely you have your own idea of ​​how to correct the situation. But someone else may suggest a way out that you didn’t notice. And joint brainstorming sometimes leads to new solutions that neither of you had even thought about before. A good way to start this discussion is to directly ask your partner for his opinion.

7. I'm sorry

Probably the simplest phrase. If you understand that not only your partner, but also you actively supported the quarrel, you can safely apologize. And promise—first of all to yourself—to do differently next time.

Well, if it seems to you that you are still 100 percent right, but your loved one is not, then the conversation is not over yet. You can return to the first point and again try to see the situation from the point of view of another.

All these phrases can help if what is important to you is not a temporary calm before the next storm, but a stable relationship. Those that are built on the basis of mutual interest and respect.