How to raise a good inner parent and why you need it

Clinical psychologist and Gestalt therapist Vladislav Chubarov published a book “Attachment and separation». In it, the author, drawing on 20 years of consulting experience, tells how adult children can live their own lives and not depend psychologically on their parents.

With the permission of Alpina Publisher, we are publishing an excerpt from Chapter 5 on how to turn transform a demanding inner parent into a caring one and finally stop scolding yourself for any mistake.

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In the first part of the book - where it talks about emotional development and prerequisites for separation - I noted that the child internalizes the parent as he grows. This means that a person has an internal Mother, which reacts in a certain way to different situations.

For example, you made a mistake. If your inner mother is a reliable parent, your first thought will be something like: “Okay, I made a mistake, I need to correct it. Next time it will probably be better.”

If your inner mother has always scolded you even for getting straight A's, you may automatically think: “Everything is wrong again, I'm worthless, what a shame.”

I'm intentionally simplifying, but in general the mechanism works something like this. Is it possible, at least occasionally, to replace the voice of an unreliable inner parent with something more useful? Of course you can.

Where does this “something” come from? You need to remember and update the experience when you received other reactions to your actions. In the case of mistakes, this could be, for example, a good teacher: “You did a great job! Not everything is smooth here and there, but I see that you tried.” Or the coach: “This is already a result, keep it up, repeat it 50 more times, and everything will work out.” Try to specifically imagine these people, scenes from the past with their participation - let them tell you pleasant and warm words, they praise you. Place them next to your inner parent, and your reactions and emotions will become more diverse.

Gradually, you will have a kind of “collective” inner parent, good and kind, who can be used in a difficult situation instead of the one you had initially.

Of course, if something happens suddenly, the stereotypical "mom's voice». But the more often you practice and use your imagination, the less often this will happen.

Here are some examples of how my clients complemented their inner parent in triggering situations: other internal authoritative characters who said something about the same issue the opposite. By the way, sometimes this character is also a parent.

But what if you were unlucky and there were no such people in your life at all?

A therapist can play the role of a “good enough parent” for you. One of the tasks of the psychotherapeutic process is precisely to give the client adequate feedback, telling him about different ways to respond to failures, problems, and conflicts. I have already mentioned that the essence of psychotherapy is not so much the material discussed as the process of interaction between the therapist and the client.

For example, a client's mother systematically suppressed his will as a child, punishing him for manifestations of anger. As a result, the adult himself suppresses his anger, because he is unconsciously afraid that he will “get in trouble” for it. The inner parent forbids him to be angry. He cannot defend his interests, he gives in to everyone, and he is afraid of conflicts in relationships. During sessions, the therapist repeatedly notices the client's hidden anger and says: “You are angry.” At first, the client may deny his feeling and refuse to see it. Then he gradually begins to admit: yes, there is anger. And then he realizes that nothing bad happens because of his anger: the world does not collapse, the therapist does not break off the relationship and does not punish him for being angry. After 40 repetitions, the client learns a new experience: it’s okay to be angry, it’s normal.

In addition, the psychotherapist can get angry yourself and draw the client’s attention to this. “I’m angry that you didn’t show up on time and that you still haven’t sorted out the payment for the last session. You see, you calmly bear my anger and are not going to leave me.”

Conflict is not the end of a relationship. By training in a safe environment, a person gradually begins to apply new skills in life and change his behavior.

Practicing the skills of a caring attitude towards oneself allows a person to choose for close relationships only those people who will also treat him well. This is precisely what is implied in the famous formula of popular psychology: “First love yourself, and then others will love you.” Of course, in this form the phrase is not very clear and looks like a trick. I would “decode” this process as a chain of skills.

1. A person “grows” within himself a caring parent who helps him react constructively and flexibly to conflicts and emerging feelings.
2. Thanks to this inner caring parent, a person becomes less ruthless towards yourself, more merciful, generous, fair: does not ridicule his own shortcomings, does not expose himself ruthless criticism for mistakes, does not scold or punish, but tolerates his own characteristics, allows himself to learn and develop.
3. A person gets used to treating himself well. He begins to notice more quickly when other people treat him worse than he should, and does not become close to such people.
4. A person becomes close only to those people who treat him as sensitively as he does: they respect his needs, allow him to correct mistakes, and take his opinion into account. He himself tries to show the same to others attitude, because he begins to better understand human nature and how feelings work.

This is how it all happens: if you have helped yourself to “grow” a good enough internal parent, then your relationships with others will improve. There are more people around you who accept and approve of you, and fewer of those who correct and shame you; in turn, you have more energy and patience to deal generously and fairly with others. The circle of care works!

Relationships with parents can be difficult to figure out on your own. The book Attachment and Separation will simplify this process. It will help you understand how to choose the optimal distance from your parents, prevent childhood trauma from affecting your personal and professional life, and avoid becoming a toxic adult towards your own children.

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