What is the tragedy of good girls: we figure it out with psychologist Elena Novoselova
Miscellaneous / / November 16, 2023
Being a good girl and pleasing everyone is bad.
Who are the good girls?
The expression “good girl” is included in the terminology of helping psychology. And psychologists, when discussing this syndrome, call it exactly that. This neurotic state, based on the fear of remaining isolated if a person does not fully respond to the requests of others, will not be good for them.
As children, such girls tried to achieve the praise of their parents and teachers, and being good meant not arousing the wrath of significant adults.
This need does not go away with age. To achieve praise and avoid acute situations, they are ready to take on other people’s tasks, admit that they are wrong, even if they are right, and go to great lengths to please another. After all, only then, as it seems to them, will they earn love and respect.
Grown-up good girls are comfortable with others. They do not know how to defend their boundaries, they are afraid of disappointing, they do not say no and perceive criticism as a real blow.
Good girls take responsibility for everything: first for doing their homework well, for spiritual comfort parents, and then - for conforming to the image of an ideal wife. Such girls at any age push aside their own desires and needs for the convenience of others. And, of course, they are unhappy.
How to become good girls
The paradigm begins to form in childhood. This often happens if mom or sometimes dad were emotionally unavailable. Perhaps they treated the child coldly, were not present in his life, or demanded something ideal.
Elena Novoselova
The behavior pattern of a good girl becomes very stable if powerful situations occurred in childhood, when, for example, other people were praised. You got a B, and your classmate got an A - you had to try harder. At the same time, the child is not praised, they are not talked about his merits, and he always seems to stand on tiptoe in order to reach out, to earn love, as a rule, from his mother.
The child depends on the mother and expects physical and emotional support from her. However, this does not always happen: the mother may be unemotional, depressed or so-called professional - strict, demanding and cold, believing that she is superfluous praise will make the child weak. A girl may be praised for obedience and scolded for bad behavior. And anything can be bad. For example, you cannot be angry, have your own opinion or needs - anything that will cause inconvenience to the parent.
Nastya
Good girl.
We didn’t have the habit of praising me at home; my mother took all my merits for granted. But it was almost impossible to please her. Since childhood, I had to do everything exactly as she needed. She didn’t explain how it was necessary, she believed that if I wasn’t stupid, then I myself could guess what was happening now. I need to vacuum, and on another day, on the contrary, I don’t need to do this anymore, because I still don’t I can handle it. If I objected to something, my mother punished me for disrespect. There were always screams at home, and I knew from her steps that she was not in the mood. I even wanted to leave the house several times, but I didn’t dare, because then they would find me and beat me very hard.
Relationships with the mother, with whom the child has the strongest connection in childhood, influence the development of this syndrome to a greater extent. Even if everyone around in kindergarten, on the playground, at school says that a child must be good and obey in order to be loved, this will not produce a strong impression if his mother begins to protect and support him.
Elena Novoselova
Of course, the mother must set some restrictions for the child, without them he does not feel well. But in a situation where sacrifice is required of him, she must always be on his side. Then the child will be fine.
Why being a good girl is bad
First of all, because contact with your emotionally disturbed, and it becomes difficult for a person to assert boundaries, protect himself, and understand when he is being harmed.
Elena Novoselova
When we talk about personal boundaries, we are talking primarily about a sense of our dignity, a sense of our personality. People who have them do not have their borders attacked. And when you have had such a traumatic experience, your sense of dignity is attacked from childhood. And as a result, you cannot realize your desires and dreams because they are suppressed.
How does this affect work?
As we have already noted, it is extremely difficult for such people refuse. People around us take advantage of this, whether consciously or not. Colleagues and superiors overwhelm you with tasks; acquaintances may ask and even demand actions that are inconvenient for a person.
Maria
Good girl.
I’m 30 years old, and I’ve just started learning to refuse people with a psychologist. It is very difficult for me to understand where the line is between politeness, when I really should be a good employee or colleague, and arrogance, when I am simply being used. I had a colleague who was very loved by her bosses, but she herself could not complete a single task and came all the time to ask me for help. At first I helped her because she was new, but it became a system, I finished the work for her, sometimes sat late with her, and then she handed it over and received laurels. I didn’t have time to complete my tasks, sometimes I even postponed plans until the evening to complete things because of her. One day I still refused her - she was so offended, threw a tantrum and said that I was selfish. I felt so uncomfortable. In such cases, my first desire is to do everything so that the person does not think that way about me.
A healthy woman can say without a twinge of conscience: “Sorry, this is inconvenient for me.” A good girl will suffer, but she will push back her plans, forget her fatigue, will not express dissatisfaction and will do what was asked of her, even if it was not part of her duties. And if she is going to voice a refusal, she will have to fight with herself, and this takes a lot of strength.
Elena Novoselova
You can mock such a person as much as you like. His reliability is a desire not to live his own life, but to please the needs of others. And at some adult age this person may stop and realize that his life never happened. That life goes on somewhere out there, and he remained on the sidelines. This is a tragedy.
How does this affect your relationship with your partner?
The same can happen in relationships with a partner. Such a woman will always think about how to make things right. She is convinced that she must maintain the atmosphere in the house, give in and obey her husband, that they will not leave a good woman, they will not cheat on her, and (only if she pleases) they will love her.
Good girls are potential victims abusive relationships.
Elena Novoselova
Abusers often turn out to be fantastic boyfriends in the early stages of a relationship. They place their victim on a pedestal and throw everything at her feet. Now imagine that a person with a depressed self suddenly finds herself on a pedestal when everything is for her sake. Of course, she is dizzy, because they began to feed her what she has a colossal hunger for: kindness, love, recognition. And she falls in love very powerfully, and then you can do whatever you want with her.
It is difficult for the victim to notice such abuse. Rather, he visible from the side, but girls often don’t want to hear anything.
It can all start with small remarks addressed to the victim: “Why did you wear bright lipstick?”, “Why did you go somewhere with your friends?” Such remarks are disguised as concern, but this is an attempt at control. And the victim is afraid that she did something wrong and ruined everything, and succumbs to this control.
And then the abuser will set more and more such conditions; he will try to separate her from her family and friends to make it easier to manipulate.
Zhenya
Good girl.
This is not the first time I've come across guys who don't care about me. At first they fall terribly in love with me, shower me with gifts and attention, and it seems to me that this is “the one.” And after a year and a half, domestic tyranny begins. My ex-boyfriend constantly yelled at me because of everyday little things: I put my socks in the wrong place, I hung my laundry the wrong way, I moved the chairs in the kitchen too noisily. He wanted, for example, to have hot coffee in the morning as soon as he got out of the shower, and I would knock on his bathroom and ask him when he would finish so that I could start brewing. Phrases were constantly heard that I was a bad housewife and a useless girl. I was terrified that they would abandon me, and I tried more and more, guessing his mood by his eyes, so that he would not get angry. But the more I tried, the more he demanded. I have never heard gratitude.
If the victim has the courage to discuss her grievances, the true abuser will turn everything around so that she will be even more to blame.
How does this affect your relationship with your mother?
The relationship with her mother turns into a neurosis for a good girl who has grown up. She was not praised, disliked, she grew up in the cold, pleasing her mother and guessing her mood and needs.
As a result, a mother’s frowning eyebrows and even the wrong intonation on the phone will be enough reason for an adult daughter to stay up all night and be nervous.
Nastya
Good girl.
Now my relationship with my mother has become better, because we live in different cities. But even so, I manage to disappoint her: I don’t call her for at least one day or answer her in the wrong tone. Mom doesn’t scold me anymore, she now sighs and sometimes cries, says that it’s hard for her, that she’s in in childhood, no one cared and cherished the way I was, and now everyone around her is only accusing her of being bad. Every time she does this I feel bad. Sometimes I gather my will and let it pass, but more often I start apologizing. The last time she lost her temper was because she didn't like that I didn't call her back when I was busy. She was very offended and said that her own daughter did not pay any attention to her. We had a big fight. I knew I was right, because I already call her 4-5 times a week. But the guilt was so hard for me to bear that I ordered her flowers.
If the daughter comes to the conclusion that she must nevertheless separate from such a mother, in response she will receive resistance, rage, and possibly humiliation. She will be called ungrateful, and trying to discuss the relationship may amount to rebellion. All this is intended to make the daughter feel ashamed and prevent her from secede, because she is comfortable.
Emotionally, a very large part of such a girl’s life will be occupied by her relationship with her mother, in which she is angry with her mother and understands that she is being manipulated, but cannot do anything about it. She quarrels with her mother, then apologizes, quarrels again, wants to do something for her mother.
How to stop being a good girl
It’s worth starting with the realization that this problem exists, that the person is suffering, he feels bad.
Elena Novoselova
We have some kind of internal scales that weigh what we did and what we got for it. Ideally, everything should be in balance on them, but comfortable people do not have this balance, and sooner or later they will notice this in themselves.
The solution is to grow up and understand that people can be different without outside approval and that even “bad” emotions can be tolerated.
The ideal solution is to work through such traumas with a psychologist. If for some reason this is not possible, try working on the problem yourself.
1. Ask yourself questions
“Do I really want this?”, “Is the situation comfortable for me?”, “What do I really want?”, “What can I do?” make me feel more comfortable?” Try to answer these questions as sincerely as possible, the answers can be write down.
2. Conduct an audit
You can check your work, environment, hobby, home - any area in general. Ask yourself if everything suits you. What exactly do you not like? Make a list and analyze it.
Think about what you can do for each item to make you feel more comfortable. Try to make a plan of what and how you will do so that the situation changes.
3. Answer the question “Who am I?”
Consider who you are personally and professionally, to friends and family. Who would you like to be? What to achieve?
You can write down the answers and then discuss them with someone with whom you have built a trusting relationship and who will not judge you. Ask your interlocutor what he thinks about you, how he sees you, what you are like from the outside.
This will be the first small step towards feeling the ground under your feet, starting a dialogue with yourself and beginning to understand your true needs. If you cope with this, then you can then learn to say no to people and cultivate in yourself sustainability to other people's emotions.
4. Sort out your relationship with your mom
This is very important because this is where the root of the problem lies. You should be prepared for the fact that when you start to change something, the relationship will begin to shake, and there may be a conflict.
There is no need to be afraid of this. The mother often manipulates the child, your task is to resist these manipulations and clarify for yourself that you are a separate adult who has the right to own life and your choice.
Elena Novoselova
You will have to change your attitude towards your mother, because it is impossible to change the mother herself. Therefore, there is no point in discussing your deepest feelings with her and educating her. It's useless. You can’t think that if mom behaved like this all her life, then after a conversation she will quickly change. You just need to build a distance from her.
First, stop telling your mom everything. Share some moments of your life, but don't go too deep go into detail and leave anything that might anger her and provoke criticism of you outside the brackets. Excessive frankness can only do harm. As soon as you feel that your mother is starting to put pressure, say goodbye to her, say: “Mommy, I love you, it’s time for me to run, bye.”
It may be useful to write down all your mother’s typical complaints on a piece of paper and not talk to her without this piece of paper in order to note what she expressed to you. There is no point in answering these claims; you have already answered them all your life and made excuses. Now your task is to ignore them. Such observation will distract the brain, and not all of your mother’s arrows will fly into your soul.
take care of yourself🧐
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