Should you perceive a relationship as an investment and how to understand that you are investing more than your partner

What's happened

The other day there was a real drama on the social network X (formerly Twitter). One of users, who has now closed his profile, wrote: “You may consider me a mercantile madman, but this time I specifically wrote down in notes what I organized for the affiliate program and what was done for me". Then the hero listed that in two months he took his lady to a restaurant three times, prepared five breakfasts, organized trips to Mtskheta and Borjomi, gave two bouquets and a vibrator to try together, and also condoms for him check. The girl once fed him in a restaurant, once paid for wine and snacks and invited him to a stand-up show, where everyone bought their own ticket. As a result, he broke up with his partner because, in his words, he did not feel attention from her. And I kept a list to show myself that I had invested enough in the relationship and not to blame myself.

The thread spread wildly, because other users clearly had something to note. Some accused the author of pettiness, others - that he considers only material contributions, and still others - that he perceives relationships as a transaction. There were also those who sided with the hero and noted how important it is to feel that in a relationship everything is mutual, that this is not a game of one goal.

And this is one of those cases when, in general, everyone is right, including the author, but there are nuances. Let's discuss them.

Is it possible to calculate the contribution to a relationship?

Even in working relationships that exist on a contractual basis, things may not be so simple. But at least the responsibilities of both parties are fixed there. The contractor, for example, supplies chairs, writes text or glazes a balcony and receives payment from the customer for this. Their contribution to the exchange has different expressions, but they Deal and signed their agreement that money and service are of equal value to them.

In relationships, it is generally not clear how to calculate the contribution, because it can be different. Money is, of course, good, without it it’s hard. But in themselves they have no value. What matters is what they give. They help you worry less, eat tastier food, have more vivid experiences, and so on. That is, they satisfy the needs of the person himself and his partner. But the trick is that many needs can be met in other ways. Let's say someone loves cleanliness, but is very tired this week. It makes no difference to him whether the partner hires a cleaning service or tidy up efficiently myself. The main thing is order, which you can enjoy. But in this case, money will help the beloved to relax.

That is, love, care, contribution to relationships are expressed not only in money. And not even always in some obvious actions that can be counted.

Complicating matters is the fact that actions have different values ​​for different people. We started with the guy's list of things he has done for the relationship that all matter to him, otherwise he wouldn't name these things. But it would be interesting to listen to the other side. It may happen (but remember, we are talking hypothetically and we don’t know anything about the heroes of the story, this is not about them) that a man invited a girl to a restaurant, and it seems significant to him. Not necessarily because he pays, but it also means delicious food, a pleasant atmosphere, and so on. And my partner, let’s say, doesn’t like all this, she counts calories, and every meal out is stressful. And for a girl this is, at best, not a valuable gesture. And at worst - valuable, but on her part: the guy wanted to go to a restaurant, and she dressed up for this, left the house, was forced to take something that was not what she wanted, just to have fewer calories.

And it would be fine if people simply assessed the significance of certain gestures differently. But we are generally different - because of the past, psychological state, expectations, and so on. Let's go back to the example above and think about the story further. We have hypothetical partners whose relationship lasts two months. The guy invests in them and believes that the girl is not giving him enough in return. But let's say she grew up in patriarchal environment and retained such views. In this case, everything looks normal for the heroine: it’s the man who has to look after her, and she has something to do with it.

It would be easier if people were given instructions on how to work. It would be even better if there was a satisfaction scale above them, like when communicating in The Sims: if one is red and the other is green, there is an imbalance. In reality, it is almost impossible to reconcile debit with credit; this is a path full of conversations and attempts to understand each other. And even this will not always work if partners do not know how to share feelings and speak openly.

But with balance, everything is not so simple.

What's wrong with the “you give me, I give you” strategy in relationships?

It is important to define definitions here. If we perceive “you give me, I give you” globally, from the point of view that both partners should make an appropriate contribution to the relationship, then everything is correct. But if from the position of “I give you a ruble, you give me a ruble, and until you repay your debts, I won’t give you another penny,” then this is not the healthiest soil.

In a healthy relationship, both partners should feel attention and care, interest in themselves, and so on. But it's not always a 50/50 balance.

Two months is not such a long time, but in general people go through different times. And someday one will invest more, someday the other. For example, the first one is overwhelmed at work, and only has enough strength to bury his face in the pillow in the evening. During this period, with a high degree of probability, everything that concerns maintaining relationships, will fall on the shoulders of the second. But then the situation may turn around.

Plus we come back to the fact that people are different, and often expecting a symmetrical answer is simply strange. So, someone is a holiday person, a fountain of irrepressible energy. He likes to take care, organize joint outings, and so on. He does it because it’s easy for him, it brings him pleasure. But at the same time, he sometimes gets offended that his partner doesn’t come up with anything. And for him this action is a whole problem, simply because that’s the kind of person he is. It turns out that the holiday partner seems to be carrying bags of fluff and is indignant at why his lover is dragging the bag of bricks too slowly. But the second one copes well with stressful situations and prevents problems. But this may go virtually unnoticed. Because it doesn’t happen that often or, if the terrible thing didn’t happen, it’s not remembered at all. Although averted in time fire costs hundreds of trips out of the house.

In good relationships, everything is more like in idealistic communism: from each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs. For this to work, partners need to listen to each other so that investments fall precisely into the spiritual holes of the beloved and fill them. Otherwise, you can try a lot, do various pleasant things, and they will just fly by. It's bad for both of them. And, of course, you shouldn’t mock yourself just to make your partner feel good; you won’t last long like this. As a one-time action, when the beloved is clearly worse off, this has a place to be, but it is unhealthy to do this all the time. Therefore, it is important not only to listen to your loved one, but also to be honest yourself.

That is, the principle “you give me, I give you” works, but only in an expanded version: “You give what you can and what makes me happy, to me, I give what I can and what makes you happy, to you. And if you’re lucky enough to coincide in this without breaking yourself, something will come out of this relationship.” Because even if you give your all to your partner, this does not guarantee anything.

Should relationships be seen as an investment?

Yes, but not in the sense in which everyone is accustomed to understanding it. Investing The masses believe that you invest money and receive profit in the form of dividends or capital multiplication. And relationships don’t work like that, they’re not a transaction. Love, care, and other bonuses cannot be earned, especially with the thought “now I’m investing this, and my partner is obliged to give me this.”

Relationships are more of an investment as they are: you invest your resources and hope that the bet will win. But this is not necessary at all.

You can, of course, increase your chances, for example, by choosing proven stocks or taking a closer look at the candidate before starting a relationship. But this does not insure you against a stock market crash or the fact that the person does not love you or is simply not suitable for you.

It would be even more correct to compare relationships not with investments, but with gardening in a zone of risky farming. In the spring you plant grains in the ground, take care of the beds, enjoy the process and hope that you will reap the fruits later. Maybe it will grow, maybe not. But if you invest half-heartedly or do nothing, only weeds will come out. Therefore, you have to take this risk.

What to do about the feeling that you are more invested in the relationship than your partner

The above does not at all lead us to the idea that we should simply give everything and expect nothing in return. If you feel injustice and discomfort, it matters, it’s worth listening to your feelings. Not to immediately blame your partner for everything and breake down (although this may be a way out, sometimes it’s better to skip the first part), but in order to figure it out.

If there is not enough attention, this is, first of all, a reason to analyze what is happening, and not in the moment, but in the aggregate.

Our feelings can be influenced by many things. For example, we feel sad or anxious because of uncontrollable external circumstances or because we did something that we didn’t like. But it’s impossible to worry forever about something ephemeral or blame yourself; you want to find the culprit. And the partner is conveniently at hand. Such desires do not make us bad people, nor do our lovers. Our psyche works according to its own laws. But it is important at this moment not to mess things up and not do something that we will regret later.

Or, perhaps, it’s hard for you right now, but your partner didn’t notice and didn’t lend a shoulder. Maybe because he doesn't care. Or maybe because he not a telepath, and you didn’t show your feelings at all. Or you realized that you were always missing something and hoped that the situation would change, but it remained the same. Again, this may happen not because the partner does not care, but because it is not obvious to him.

Based on such an analysis, it is worth talking with your partner and honestly voicing your feelings and expectations. And then see if anything changes.

A heart-to-heart conversation does not mean that everything will go differently. There is no such thing as a special ideal person being cast for us somewhere in a workshop. we have to find. But some people are more or less suitable for us than others. At the beginning of a relationship, a process of merging often occurs, when partners perceive each other as a single whole. But after two or three years the differences become noticeable. And it’s not always possible to get used to it so that the relationship doesn’t cause discomfort. If you understand that the problem is in the terminal stage, then there seems to be nothing left to save. If a total discrepancy is felt from the very start, there is a high risk that this train will not go anywhere.

But everything can change too. There is a chance that you are not in a relationship with a movie villain, but with a good person who will be a little surprised to hear your revelations, but will try to meet you halfway.

Ideally, all these actions - listening to feelings, talking - should be done periodically, and not when the situation gets out of control.