What prevents a couple from being happy: says psychologist Alexander Kolmanovsky

As a rule, both partners suffer from misunderstandings in a couple. At the same time, everyone is sure that he is right, but his interests are infringed. Psychologist Alexander Kolmanovsky spoke about problems in relationships at the Inpsycho Fest festival, which was held by Moscow Institute of Psychoanalysis. Life hacker took notes of his lecture.

Accusations that the other person doesn’t hear you, doesn’t understand you, and doesn’t want to talk at all are a common cause of tense relationships in a couple. People feel unhappy, but do not understand how to force their partner to take into account their own needs. Let's figure out why quarrels arise and what to do about them.

Why do conflicts arise between partners?

We encounter difficulties in relationships all the time, starting from childhood. The details may be completely different, but the plots are usually very similar - both in school skirmishes and in family scandals.

At school, a boy from the back desk can arm himself with a ruler and touch the girl who sits in front. And an adult man, in turn, is ready to attack his wife with reproaches because of some little thing. And then bring the conversation on ordinary everyday topics to a scandal.

All such conflicts have one main reason. Each of them is a way to attract attention and then achieve unconditional acceptance. Here's what it looks like in practice.

The boy who sits in the back desk understands perfectly well that the girl knows about his existence. And poking with a ruler is not an attempt to remind you of this. The boy is not just trying to get the girl to turn to him. He wants her to look at him kindly.

Like every person, a schoolchild needs to be accepted for who he is. That is, not only quiet, smiling and pleasant, but also rude, uncomfortable, unceremonious. He may not even be aware of his desire, but he acts under its influence.

Of course, this method looks strange. Often a girl at first tries not to notice these attempts because they are unpleasant to her. But if the boy really cares about her, he only redoubles his efforts.

It doesn't sound very pleasant, but it's a fact.

How to behave if your partner is trying to make a scandal

Let's look at another example. Family morning. The children are getting ready to have breakfast and pour milk on the cereal. The husband, noticing that each of them has his own pack, starts a scandal. He rudely reprimands his wife that he asked her a thousand times to buy a large package, rather than several small ones, because it’s cheaper.

She replies that she has reasons for choosing small packs. And in general - there is no need to shout, I could talk calmly. But you won’t get a normal tone from him.

Then the woman can complain psychologist at the reception: I have endured his rudeness for 10 years, but the relationship is only getting worse. He either screams or doesn't want to talk to me at all.

Therefore, in conflicts, you should not react to your partner’s words or the tone in which they are spoken. It would be better to try to understand why the other chose this particular method of communication. If he screams, find out what is behind the scream.

It is often said that the scandalizer simply repeats the same techniques that were used by him. parents. But this explanation is not enough. Firstly, the same person may well speak calmly; he is probably not always aggressive. Secondly, we all encountered quarrels in childhood, but we definitely saw other communication scenarios.

In conflicts, the rule often works: if a person shows aggression, it means that he was unable to satisfy his need in another, peaceful way. Therefore, it is worth finding out what really worries him. If rudeness is always a request for attention, you can try to understand in which area the person feels a painful deficiency.

But that’s later, in a calm situation. And at the moment quarreling You should not get emotionally involved in a scandal, but show that you consider the person and respect him. And calmly answer the question that became the reason for the dispute.

For example, a wife in a situation with cereal may say: “Yes, you’re right, it costs more. I understand you. But it is important for us that each child has his own pack - this makes it easier for them to count their eaten portions. They need it to compete.”

Why learning to accept others is a beneficial tactic and strategy

The question arises: why exactly do I need to compromise? I also want more attention, it also happens to me that it hurts and is unpleasant. Why me and not someone else? Let him start first!

This is the only way to establish mutual understanding with another

It is worth recognizing the fact that acceptance is not a two-way movement. You can be sure that you personally will do everything to understand and accept the other. But this does not guarantee that he will definitely do the same. However, there is still no other way to establish mutual understanding.

There are no guarantees here at all - no one can be forced to do something that they themselves do not want to do. Neither you nor your partner.

Some people tell their partner: okay, I’ll try to understand you and turn on empathy, but then I’ll see if you answer me in the same way. However, such behavior is not perceived by others as a movement towards. This is an attempt at trading. The requirement to be friendly only causes protest. But if you turn on empathy and really try to look at the situation through the eyes of another, it is unlikely to go unnoticed.

But it's important that you try understand and accept a partner not out of sacrifice or generosity. If it's difficult for you, turn on pragmatism. Think about it this way: you want a comfortable relationship, and here's a great way to create it. Yes, there are no guarantees, but this method has proven its effectiveness many times. So it might work in your situation too.

This is the path to self-acceptance and your own comfort.

Even if your efforts don't work, you will still be a winner. And that's why. Our psyche has an important property called the recurrent mechanism of self-awareness, or IUD. It is necessary to better understand human behavior. The principles of operation of the mechanism were described by the famous psychologist Lev Vygotsky.

Our psyche is designed in such a way that a person treats others and himself equally. This perception develops with infancy. At first, the child has no awareness of his own “I” - there is only “they”, the people around him. This category is very quickly divided into two parts.

There is a “plus group” - those who feed, care for, care for. And the “minus group” is everyone else. To survive, a child needs to understand who to send signals for help and who to stay away from.

Over time, a person becomes aware of his own “I” and transfers to it the same assessments as to those around him - he simply has no other marks. It turns out that the more empathy he feels for people, the better he understands their needs and motives, the more advantages he finds in them, the better he will feel about himself. And understand yourself.

So, in order to get rid of the reasons that prevent a couple from being happy, you should try to replace confrontation with empathy. Either this will work, or you will begin to better understand not only your partner, but also yourself. Moreover, the second result is guaranteed.