Why being “good” and “kind” are not the same thing

When we describe the positive aspects of a person, we often use the words “good” and “kind” interchangeably. From early childhood we hear that we need to behave “good” and do “good” deeds. However, these two words are not synonymous at all. And even more: one of these qualities is more desirable, one that is really worth striving for.

What does it mean to be "good"

According to psychology experts, being “good” means being polite, behaving in a civilized manner, having strong social skills, and demonstrating an excellent knowledge of etiquette.

Dictionary gives several definitions of the word “good”, including “as it should be; possessing positive moral qualities; quite worthy, decent, respectable.”

What does it mean to be “kind”

According to psychologists, to be “kind” is to be thoughtful, caring, considerate and at the same time strong, confident and empathetic towards others.

Experts also believe that kindness can mean an action, a quality, or a state. They define it as a purposeful expression of friendliness or caring that allows us to treat others as if we have a special connection between us. It's a choice to manifest

sympathy and generosity to meet another person's needs.

According to dictionary, “kind” is “responsive, ready to help people; not discredited by anything; worthy of respect; impeccable, honest."

What is the difference between “good” and “kind”

From a psychological perspective, being “kind” seems to mean more than being “nice,” merciful, generous, empathetic, and welcoming. The concept of kindness includes intentions and actions that go beyond mere politeness or niceness.

Of course, both to be “good” and to be “kind”, you need developed social skills and pleasant manners. However, kindness implies higher levels of engagement, commitment, and intentions to behave in certain ways. Therefore, it requires more effort and time. The difference is also that to be “kind” means to be proactive and focused on caring for others, and to be “good” is to be reactive and focused on oneself.

Kindness goes beyond feelings and comfort. It is a conscious choice to encourage, support and value both yourself and other people. Being “good” feels good, but it doesn’t usually involve going through painful experiences or making sacrifices. “Good” behavior rarely makes a big difference in the long run. Whereas most “good” actions are inconvenient. They almost always cost something - time, effort, comfort, pride, self-esteem. But it is these intentional, conscious sacrifices that fill them with meaning.

Being “good” is partly about pleasing others for the sake of being liked. This behavior may be disguised as kindness, but it is often dictated selfish motives, whether we realize it or not. A “good” person, as a rule, expects something in return for his actions. He expects gratitude, even if the other did not need help or did not want to receive it.

“Good” actions come not from genuine generosity, but from human pride, the belief that we have the right or privilege to act in a certain way. As a result, we may become defensive when someone does not accept or appreciate our courtesy. This is because “good” people are driven by the need to gain approval from others.

A “good” person will clean up after a party, but only in the presence of other people, in order to look good in the eyes of others. At its worst, this approach can make us believe that we are wonderful people who do noble things for the rest of the world, when we are primarily doing everything for ourselves.

At first glance, “good” and “kind” actions may seem similar. But the motives and energy behind each of them are completely different. While a “good” person may go to great lengths for the approval of others, perhaps even causing harm to someone, a “kind” person performs generous acts based on self love.

In addition, a “kind” person takes care of himself and does not tolerate mistreatment or disrespect. He has clear personal boundaries and knows how to say no. In fact, refusal is sometimes where true kindness lies, especially if it serves someone else's well-being.

Sometimes showing yourself as a “kind” person means upsetting someone else, for example, admitting to someone that you don’t feel reciprocal feelings, or to protect someone from something harmful, although someone really wants this and does not yet realize their dependence.

Which is better to be: “good” or “kind”

Given the differences above, it seems clear that it is much better to strive to be “kind.” A “good” person tries too hard to please others, so his sincerity cannot be trusted. Any recognition he receives is due to his “good” behavior in society, which means that they love him not at all for who he is. Therefore, his actions do not bring him any real benefit. In addition, he is often offended and indignant at the fact that he constantly has to overexert himself in order to get at least a little approval.

We are all “good” by nature, because initially a person focuses on himself. Kindness requires striving. And we should all strive to be kind in order to change a world of disunity, anxiety and loneliness. In a time when many lack empathy and warmth, kindness can have a significant positive impact on ourselves and those around us.

When we do good deeds, the body stands out the hormone oxytocin, which makes us feel joy, connect with others and trust them. Good deeds activate reward centers in the brain, increasing happiness and decreasing stress. Kindness brings us closer to others, improves our mood, and relieves symptoms of depression. She raises our self-esteem and a sense of self-worth. All this is not just pleasant. Without this you cannot survive in the modern world.

However, none of this means that we have to choose between being “good” and being “kind.” Nothing prevents us from developing both of these qualities. A fragmented society needs more good and kind people. We very quickly become tough and even cruel towards each other. So we could definitely use more politeness, cordiality, solidarity and kinship.