What to do if you regret what you said and can't stop thinking about it

Sometimes we can’t sleep at night, not because we have insomnia, but because we are replaying in our minds those incredibly “stupid”, “insensitive” and “shameful” words. We are haunted by the thought “I can’t believe I said that!”, and the thought “I should have said it like that!” comes to mind after a few hours, or even days.

Of course, if we accidentally blurted out something wrong, this does not mean that we are bad, limited and useless. However, there is a difference between knowing that it is okay to make mistakes and being okay with mistakes. If you're worried that you've chosen the wrong words in a situation, try the following.

Use Cognitive Sharing

One of the reasons we continue to focus on self-deprecating thoughts is because we believe they are true. But once you remind yourself that they are not facts, but just created by the brain, you will feel better. The ability to perceive thoughts as they are, rather than dwell on them, is called cognitive separation.

Let's say you returned from vacation with your parents and on your first day at work you accidentally called your boss mom. You may think: “What a shame,” “I’m so stupid,” “I won’t be able to show up at the office tomorrow.” But such categorical statements as “I’m stupid” and “I can’t” leave you little wiggle room to deal with them. Cognitive separation helps to reformulate them: “The thought occurs to me that I am stupid,” “I feel shame,” “I have a desire not to go to the office tomorrow.”

When you separate yourself from your thoughts and feelings, you no longer automatically perceive them as facts, and overcoming them becomes much easier.

Another form of cognitive compartmentalization involves the use of imagery to help distance oneself from self-criticism. For example, the “leaves on a stream” exercise, which is sometimes used in therapy acceptance and responsibility. Sit back, close your eyes or focus your gaze on one point and imagine that you put every thought that comes to you on a piece of paper and let it float down the stream. The idea, again, is to disconnect from the flow of thoughts and not get too caught up in it.

Show self-compassion

If yet another reminder to be kind to yourself makes you want to throw a eyes, know: this practice will really help you stop endlessly thinking about admitted misses. So be compassionate with yourself and don't judge yourself too harshly. Remember that you are a human who makes mistakes. This is normal for people.

If you find it difficult to give yourself a break from criticism, try special techniques. For example, ask yourself: “What would I say to a friend if he came to me with this problem?” Most likely, you wouldn't laugh at him or say nasty things to him.

Self-compassion is one of the most important skills you can learn. When you view the world from the perspective of being kind to yourself, you experience much less shame and anxiety, and your life becomes calmer and more fulfilling.

Write down your thoughts, but do it strategically

Yes, the point about how useful it is keep a diary, here too. But don't worry, it's quite simple. Let's face it: no one remembers how you tripped and fell on the school ruler in the third grade. The only reason you remember it is because you had a strong reaction to the event. We are more likely to remember moments that evoked a powerful emotional response in us.

One effective way to deal with intrusive thoughts or memories is to address the emotional response and the beliefs it triggers. And write down everything you think and feel.

However, you should beware of the pitfall of keeping a diary without any restrictions, otherwise you will only prolong your painful thoughts. Instead, set a timer for two minutes and write down whatever comes to mind when you think back to the situation you regret. When the time is up, ask yourself if it was helpful. If so, set the timer again and continue writing. Do this until you want to stop or until you find yourself repeating the same thing.

The purpose of keeping a diary is to help yourself cope with emotions, which are hidden behind the thoughts stuck in your head. This could be shame, embarrassment or disappointment. When you put it all down on paper, you “save” your thoughts and experiences in a tangible place, which helps you finally free yourself from them and move on.