“I’m shit and I’m always wrong.” How men become victims of abuse

Domestic violence more often women are subjected, but this does not exclude the fact that men in family relationships can also become victims of abuse, both physical and psychological. At the same time, violence against them often turns out to be less visible. Firstly, because they have not developed their own language for talking about it. Secondly, because many of them find it difficult in principle to declare that they find themselves in the position of a victim.

This was the case with Grigory Tumanov, the host of a podcast about new masculinity “Man, where are you going?». For a long time, he not only did not talk about the fact that he was systematically subjected to psychological violence, but he himself did not realize it.

How men become victims of abuse

Statistics suggests that every fourth man in the world has experienced domestic violence in one way or another. It can be expressed in different forms, emphasizes Vyacheslav Kozlov, co-host of Grigory Tumanov on the podcast “Man, where are you going?”

1. Physical violence: when the abuser systematically slaps the victim, pushes, scratches and beats her. Sometimes this involves the use of weapons.
2. Emotional and psychological abuse includes humiliation, insults, threats. Sometimes abusers may use manipulation and gaslighting to dominate and control their victims.
3. Sexualized violence It is not so common for men, but sometimes partners can force them to have sex, which also leads to psychological trauma.

You can read more about the signs of abuse in our memo.

So, for example, in one of the episodes of the podcast “Man, where are you going?” The presenters tell the story of a man - one of the few who turned to the hotline for psychological support for victims of abuse. During the pandemic, this man found himself isolated at home with his wife and mother-in-law. According to his cohabitants, he was overweight, and any trip to the refrigerator was accompanied by their comments about appearance (“Attened my ass”, “Swam with fat”). In addition to this, they accused him of allegedly not doing anything in life. This situation illustrates well how men can be subjected to systematic psychological violence.

For Grigory Tumanov, co-host of the podcast “Man, where are you going?”, the topic of abuse is personal: in a previous relationship, he experienced psychological violence.

Now Grisha is in a happy, healthy relationship, but breaking up with his abusive girlfriend was not easy for him: at one of the last joint parties between them there was a big public conflict, after which she approached the guests and urged them to take her side. Then he found out that during this relationship he had been cheated on.

Why are there so few stories about male victims of abuse?

It is difficult to report a history of violence. Victims often face judgment if they take the issue public. In addition, many of them live in constant fear for their lives and the lives of their loved ones, intimidated by the rapist. But for men who have experienced abuse, there are other reasons to remain silent about violence, emphasize the hosts of the podcast “Man, where are you going?”

Violence is difficult to process

Understanding and admitting that you have been abused is a difficult process that often requires outside support. If we are talking about emotional and psychological abuse, which men are most often exposed to, then it’s even more complicated: trauma, inflicted verbally, it is much more difficult to record, and, accordingly, it is more difficult to identify the pattern violence.

Shame and fear of judgment

There is an opinion in society that men should be strong. Admitting that they have been a victim of violence means admitting their own weakness.

At the same time, a man’s recognition can be perceived negatively both by the conservative part of the population and by some representatives of the professional community, adds Vyacheslav Kozlov.

It's not clear how to talk about violence

There are help centers for women facing abuse, social movements like #MeToo, influencer support and a lot of anti-violence content. Thanks to the social outcry raised by the efforts of women activists, women have developed their own language for talking about violence. There are more examples in the culture of how to behave if you have experienced abuse. Men don’t yet have such vocabulary, say the hosts of the podcast “Man, where are you going?”

What to do if you are a man and faced with abuse

Anyone facing abuse should follow recommendations anti-violence support centers.

Ask for help

As noted above, it is difficult to reflect on the fact of abuse alone. If you have the opportunity to see a psychologist, take advantage of it. In addition, throughout Russia act free help centers for victims of domestic violence, where you can go in person or call a hotline. For example:

• Charitable Foundation "Safe Home».
  Moscow, st. Novoostapovskaya, d. 6.
  8 (926) 073‑95‑75.
• Center "No violence» (recognized as a foreign agent).
  Moscow, Sredny Karetny Lane, no. 4, office 1.
  8 (495) 916‑30‑00, 8 (999) 916‑30‑00.
• Crisis Center "Willow».
  Krasnoyarsk region, Krasnoyarsk, st. Semafornaya, d. 243A.
  8 (391) 231‑48‑47.

Also, do not break ties with friends and family: tell them openly about what is happening to you and how you feel about it, ask for their support.

Collect evidence of abuse

If it involves physical violence, be sure to report all incidents to the police and obtain a copy of each police report. Take pictures of the ones applied to you injuries. If possible, document them in medical institutions.

Keep a log of all incidents of violence, indicating dates, times and witnesses - this also applies to psychological abuse. Subsequently, this will help you more clearly understand the fact of violence committed against you, and also, if it comes to that, will become an aid in court.

Leave an abusive relationship if your partner doesn't want to change

It is possible to save a relationship if not only the victim, but also the abuser wants it. To do this, you can contact a family psychologist or a psychologist who deals with the trauma of violence. If the desire to “fix” the relationship comes only from the victim, you should not expect the rapist to change.