Why women's initiative in relationships is a thrill

By the age of 36, I realized that women's initiative is one of the most beautiful things in the world. In most cases, I was the active party in the relationship. He should have been the first to express his sympathy, invite him to a meeting, plan entertainment for two.

Fateful decisions like starting a life together also depended on me. This was always stressful: I already had a lot of obligations hanging on me, which I fulfilled alone. Therefore, I wanted to share responsibility in a couple with my partner. But I came across the fact that women were convinced: they should be chosen, called and something should be decided for them.

Expecting action from a man was equated with wisdom and femininity.

I can understand them. When you grow up in a patriarchal family and look fairy tales, where heroines like Rapunzel are waiting for salvation from the prince, similar scenarios are formed in the head. It takes time to figure out whether they suit you or are stupidly imposed.

And I agreed to these rules. I explained this to myself by saying that since I am a man, I must. And then - for the first time I encountered an initiative coming from a girl. She not only offered to meet, but also chose the place and time. Then I thought: “Seriously? It happens? This is so fucking nice!”

Women's initiative, it seems to me, is restrained by the usual gender roles. Some manifestations towards men are still not approved in society. The attitudes sound something like this: “A man should make the first step,” “It’s not you who should run after men, but they should run after you.” This is as old as the story about keeper of the hearth and mammoth hunter.

Because you need to do it not as is customary, but as you want. For example, offer something first. Of course, new risks arise - you may be refused.

But to be honest, waiting doesn’t bring you closer to agreement either.

How does everything usually happen? A woman waits for initiative and does not dare to voice her desires. Waiting for her to be called on a date, offered to move in together or get married. But - kamon! - everything that concerns two people should be discussed, and not become a unilateral decision.

Let's use marriage as an example. Both should be ready for this stage. The changes that will occur in a couple concern both. Why then does one person make the decision about this and he should call another?

It’s normal when a woman voices her readiness or desire, and the partner gives feedback and indicates at what stage he is. You can agree on your readiness for this step, but maybe one of the couple is still lagging behind or has doubts.

Let's simulate a dialogue. She told him: “Listen, I would like to marry you. Firstly, I love you. Secondly, I saw you in different circumstances and you were great everywhere. Thirdly, I feel that the relationship needs development, a new level of responsibility. What do you think?"

Then the man can pick it up. For example: “I agree with all the points, and I myself think that we are both ready. But what gnaws at me is that we don’t have...” And then the partner brings up his concerns and fears for discussion. This is cool because guesses are replaced by facts.

This creates a field for communication between partners, where all points can be clarified, rather than tormenting oneself with hypotheses and waiting.

The main thing is that the discussion follows the rules nonviolent communication: with respect for each other’s feelings, without manipulation or pushing.

To avoid the feeling that I am expressing an unpopular opinion, I found survey about this theme. In it, 1,600 respondents were asked: “How do you feel about the situation when the initiator of a romantic acquaintance does a woman come between a man and a woman?” And the results showed that 52% of men welcome this initiative. And 53% are happy with her even at the start of the relationship.

Of course, there are categories of men who definitely won’t like women’s initiative. Among them are adherents of patriarchy, masculinity, machismo, sexism, and tyranny. According to their logic, this deprives them of their right to choice and masculinity. But if you want to build relationships as equals and make decisions together, maybe this is still not your option?

There are also women who are comfortable when choose for them. This is also a position, and this can also be the case. The main thing is that it is their personal choice. Because I have encountered situations where it was more an act of sacrifice than a reflection of a position.

To everyone else who wants to participate in a couple on equal terms, I want to say: if you have an inner desire, initiate. Invite your partner to share the family budget, have sex in the morning, get married, have children, or separate. Discuss together any change that affects the two of you. Women's initiative is a thrill.