How to deal with your partner's toxic parents

The partner's parents are not chosen. It's good if they turn out to be quite nice people and only a little annoying. For example, they spoil their grandchildren too much or occasionally make passive-aggressive comments, but overall they want the best for us. It’s another matter if the partner’s parents are inconsistent in their words and actions, show disrespect, and manipulate others for their own benefit. So their presence heats up the situation and turns any family meeting into a nightmare.

Psychologist and book author about narcissistic parents Tatyana Dyachenko notes that not all toxic relatives behave the same. While some create drama openly, others manipulate unnoticed. But they also have common traits, such as bossiness, a tendency to overreact to any situation and shift the blame to others. The main reason why they behave this way is because they see you as a threat. You have entered the life of their beloved child and can “take” him away from mom and dad.

It is important to understand that toxicity is a spectrum, and certain behaviors can be more or less toxic. There is a big difference between loving and generous but domineering parents and parents who deliberately provoke quarrels and use insults. Here are some examples to help you recognize toxic behavior and tips on how to best respond to it.

1. They constantly blame you

This is a hallmark of toxic people in general. They do not take responsibility for their actions, but turn everything upside down, lie or manipulate others in order to shift their problems onto others.

How to behave

Don't accept the guilt they try to impose on you. Ignore complaints your partner's parents and try your best to protect yourself from their angry and pompous tirades.

2. They don't respect your personal boundaries

Toxic relatives often do not understand what is acceptable to do and what is not, so as not to violate other people's boundaries. They show up unannounced, stay longer than you expect, and ignore the rules you follow in raising your children.

How to behave

It is important to work with your partner in advance install clear boundaries. And be ready to protect them yourself if the parents resist.

For example, if you have asked them many times not to come without calling, and they once again violated this condition, you have the right not to let them in. If they get angry, politely remind them that you have repeatedly talked about unannounced visits, and add that you would be happy to schedule a meeting for next week.

When setting and protecting personal boundaries, the hardest part is dealing with the discomfort that arises as soon as the other person gets angry. You also need to be prepared for this.

3. They react violently to everything and dramatize any situation.

No matter what happens, toxic parents use it to arrange scandal and put you on the defensive. They often make mountains out of molehills, consider any of your words as a reason to shame or accuse you of something, get angry and easily turn to insults.

How to behave

When you encounter this type of negativity, it is important to address the issue directly and calmly explain why the behavior is unacceptable. If everything repeats itself, try keep cool and don’t allow yourself and your family to be drawn into someone else’s drama. This may require limiting communication. Yes, these are your partner's parents, but that doesn't mean they have to be a part of your life.

4. They control everything

When relatives want you and your partner to do everything only as they think is right, and otherwise ruin your life in every possible way, this is a clear sign of toxic behavior.

How to behave

Change the course of the game and don't let them gain the advantage. To do this, study tacticsthat your partner's parents use to control and manipulate you, and find ways to disobey them.

5. They criticize you endlessly

This is a favorite trick of toxic people - making you feel like you're not good enough. They don't like everything: how you raise your children, how you do housework, and how you behave in general. Sometimes they criticize openly, and sometimes they give dubious “compliments” to you.

How to behave

Don't take their critical, devaluing, and nasty comments personally. When people criticize not constructive, it characterizes them much more than you.

6. They are unpredictable and inconsistent

You never know what mood they will be in or what words or actions you may make will irritate them. Toxic relatives can be nice to you when they need something from you. But when you need help and support, they will not show an iota of sympathy and will advise you to cope on your own.

How to behave

Manage your expectations to avoid unnecessary disappointment, and consider the fickleness of your partner's parents when making plans. Try to surround yourself with true friends and other close people you can really rely on.