7 books that will teach you how to resolve conflicts effectively

Can conflict make a person happier? Paradoxical, but yes! Is truth born in a dispute? Yes - if its participants have mastered the art of constructive discussion. We have collected books that will help you train this skill.

1. “Passive aggression. Tactics of countering an undeclared war”, Oksana Gritsenko

It is logical that a selection about conflicts would not be complete without a book on passive aggression. Do you agree? Still would! Now stop - this was exactly that passive aggression, don’t do that.

The problem with this model of behavior is that the conflict always remains implicit: one person imposes a feeling of guilt on the other, while remaining within the bounds of decency. The passive aggressor, with his supposedly harmless words and actions, provokes the victim into open negative statements, and then shifts all responsibility for the situation onto her, and even accuses her of inability to hold in your hands.

Personnel development specialist Oksana Gritsenko in her book spoke about the motives and reasons passive aggression, has collected a whole arsenal of techniques that will help resist it, and also shared a typology of aggressors at work and in life, so that readers can easily recognize toxic people.

2. "Dance of Anger. How to Manage Negative Energy by Harriet Lerner

The book will be healing for those who have long suppressed their own emotions and forbade themselves to openly express anger, hiding behind statements like “Well-mannered people can solve everything calmly.” Most often, women find themselves in such a trap: as soon as they show dissatisfaction, those around them instantly label them as bitches and brawlers.

Meanwhile anger - this is a signal that is better not to ignore. Sometimes a flash of rage indicates that we are not solving an issue that is significant to our existence or that In our relationships with other people we have to sacrifice our own beliefs, values ​​and desires.

Psychologist Harriet Lerner suggests taking a close look at the different manifestations of anger and giving yourself permission to experience all the feelings, including the negative and unpleasant ones. His book will help you find a way to express resentment in an environmentally friendly way and find a balance between constantly containing emotions and irrational behavior.

3. "The Art of Conflict. Why arguments divide and how they can unite, Ian Leslie

How easy it would be to live if all disputes came down to pure exchange opinions and evidence! However, then Socrates and Plato would have agreed on everything important and not very important. Emotions inevitably interfere with conflicts. This isn't always a bad thing—they help us defend our position or empathize with someone else's point of view—but they often get in the way of healthy debate.

Ian Leslie, author of popular science books, has come up with rules for productive debate. Ian draws on research from communication theory and cognitive psychology, as well as the experiences of those who are constantly involved in complex dialogues: police officers, hostage negotiators, diplomats, family therapists and divorce lawyers processes. The author will prove that conflicts should not always be avoided, because under certain conditions they can bring great benefits and even pleasure.

4. “Jedi techniques for constructive communication”, Alexander Orlov

Lucky people who have developed empathy always understand what is appropriate to do in a given situation. But what about those who find it difficult to communicate? Read a short but succinct book by business coach Alexander Orlov. He will tell you how to understand other people, take their place, select arguments and convince of your point of view. The author tested the methods discussed in the text on students of his trainings.

For example, this is what Alexander advises to do to reduce the intensity of passions in a conflict situation. If a person yells at you, he believes that you cannot hear him. Show that this is not so: in response to an abusive email, call or come in person. If you are talking face to face, start writing down the interlocutor with the words “We’ll figure it out now. What's the question?" - this will automatically set it up for constructiveness.

5. "No offense. How to apologize so that you forgive, even if everything is hopeless,” Molly Howes

Asking for forgiveness is difficult, but doing it right is even more difficult. Most of us live under the influence of misconceptions and myths about apologies. These include the idea that our intentions determine the impact on other people: if I didn’t mean to offend you, then you can’t be offended. The good news is that each of us has the ability to effectively ask for forgiveness. One of the biggest and most common obstacles here is a lack of technology, and psychologist Molly Howes's book aims to correct this.

In short, there are four steps to a good apology. First, understand the pain you caused the person, and also track the consequences of your actions. Here you need to ask questions and listen. Second, express sincere regret: acknowledge your action and its impact. Third, compensate for the damage. Fourth, determine what you will do to avoid repeating the mistake. And remember, the apology should not revolve around you. All these steps are covered in more detail in the book.

6. "Nonviolent Communication in Conflict and Disagreement: Speaking Peacefully in a World of Conflict" by Marshall Rosenberg

The way we communicate can open or close doors, heal or hurt, bring joy or bring suffering, and ultimately determine how happy we are. Marshall Rosenberg, concept author nonviolent communication (NGO), explains how to communicate peacefully, even when the situation is tense to the limit. In this he is helped by the experience of peacekeeping activities in hot spots around the world. The book deals with conflicts that are in one way or another connected with political and cultural contradictions, as well as with family life and business communication.

To resolve a quarrel amicably, you should first work on your own thinking, on how we perceive ourselves and others, how we satisfy our needs. This is the most difficult aspect of speaking peacefully, requiring sincerity and openness.

The thought may seem radical, but it must be accepted in order to implement NVC in our lives: everything we do serves to satisfy our needs, which means that in fact we have no enemies, and the negative actions of people towards us are just their way to satisfy their needs. We can help them find more effective and less destructive ways to do this without blaming, shaming, or despising them for not being what we want them to be.

7. “This is how you can: preserve yourself in conversations on conflicting topics,” Anateisha S. Kim, Alicia M. del Prado

World events do not yet give us a reason to agree on opinions, and conflicts on this basis are inevitable. Sometimes we compromise, avoid tension, do not clarify controversial issues, silence or avoid topics that are difficult and scary to talk about. But by refusing to have an honest conversation, we are robbing ourselves and our relationships of the opportunity to grow and change.

Before unfriending and block everyone who disagrees with you, as well as to quarrel with relatives to smithereens because of a difference of views, read the book by psychologists Anateisha S. Kim and Alicia M. del Prado. They show a middle way: you can remain constructive and approach relationships with an open heart, taking care of your feelings.

The authors provide real-life examples, talk about case studies and concepts from cognitive-behavioral theory, and describe ways to resolve conflicts. Step-by-step exercises give a clear idea of ​​how you can help yourself and your loved ones.