What is emotional perfectionism and how to get rid of it
Miscellaneous / / September 15, 2023
This is the other side of toxic positivity, in which there is as little good as there is in itself.
The term “toxic positivity” has become widespread in recent years. It refers to moments when we react to other people’s problems with superficial stock phrases like “Everything happens for a reason” or “Have you tried yoga?” But there is a similar, although less well-known concept, which is more oriented not to the external, but to our inner world - emotional perfectionism.
What is emotional perfectionism?
When we hear the word “perfectionist,” we immediately imagine a person who places high demands on how he looks, behaves, and does his job. An emotional perfectionist holds similar standards for how they feel. Instead of encouraging others to see the bright side of everything, that is, spreading toxic positivity, he expects constant optimism from himself.
The term “emotional perfectionism” itself in 2016 suggested psychologist Annie Hickox. According to her, it manifests itself in the fact that when a person has emotions about emotions, he suppresses all those that he considers unworthy. People with these beliefs often tell themselves, “I shouldn’t do that” or “I shouldn’t be angry.”
Where does such perfectionism come from?
Toxic positivity and emotional perfectionism come from the same source - the discomfort that other people's negative emotions cause us. When someone expects life, for themselves and others, to always be perfect, it is inconvenient and extremely draining. Because such expectations ignore reality.
However, people become perfectionists for various reasons. Some are simply born with inflated demands towards themselves and the world around them, others acquire this quality under the influence of upbringing and cultural environment.
In addition, emotional perfectionism may arise due to certain reflexes, such as defensive, when a person seeks to protect people close to him from discomfort caused by such unpleasant emotions as anger or sadness.
This type of perfectionism is more common in women. Firstly, according to research, they are generally more prone to perfectionism, self-criticism, and high expectations of themselves. Secondly, this is due to the features socialization. Although women are allowed to express a wider range of emotions than men, society also puts more pressure on them to regulate and control their feelings.
Why is he dangerous?
Emotional perfectionism can be a hidden source of anxiety. Annie Hickox noticed this while working with patients. Even when they said, “Oh no, I'm not a perfectionist,” they always had thoughts in which they set very high standards for themselves.
It can also have unpleasant consequences when it is caused by the desire to protect other people from negative experiences. According to Annie Hickox, emotional perfectionism does not protect anyone because in real life it is impossible to always remain positive. Hiding behind it, like behind a mask, may make a person feel better for a short time, but in the long run it causes harm and leads to self-destruction.
In addition, any kind of perfectionism, including emotional perfectionism, can interfere with building and maintaining relationships that will bring satisfaction. For example, in a couple where one is darker and pessimistic, and the other constantly encourages him, this can develop into toxic positivity. Because the partner will not feel that he is being listened to and heard, because instead he will receive positive phrases, the main message of which is “You shouldn’t feel this way.”
How to deal with emotional perfectionism
Remember that emotions are not good or bad
The problem is not what we feel, but how we treat our feelings. Annie Hickox advises developing emotional tolerance. This is what she calls the strength to cope with any emotions, including unpleasant ones.
We all have an “ugly” side, but that is what makes us human. When we express all parts of our nature, we become whole individuals. The best thing to do is to accept all your emotions and tell yourself, “Okay, I'm angry. This is the evil part of me. And that's okay. I also have a good part, and next time I can show that.”
Practice mindfulness
This is a great way to develop emotional tolerance because awareness helps you stay in the present moment. When you feel an emotion, think about what it is telling you and what the story is behind it. For example, when you withdraw, ask yourself what you are feeling and what emotion is causing you to do so.
Paying attention to the emotions in the moment also helps us notice when we ourselves or people around us begin to slip into toxic positivity or emotional perfectionism.
Talk openly about your needs and feelings
It is important to clearly understand what kind of support you expect from other people, and also give them the opportunity to develop. We all learn from each other, and each of us can become a full-fledged person.
Openness is especially important for women, whose needs are often ignored. But it is just as important for men, who are forbidden to show any emotions except anger.
Develop emotional flexibility
Just as we need to train our bodies to remain physically flexible, we need to train our senses to remain emotionally flexible. Try to move beyond the rigid pattern of expressing emotions that labels some as bad and others as good. Inflexibility creates problems.
Let go of the desire to control everything
Control is one of the most desirable things for a perfectionist. But the truth is that there's almost nothing we can do control. And when we understand that there are no guarantees, it helps us resist perfectionism.
Learn from negative emotions
Emotional perfectionists don't want to experience negative emotions, but they have a very important function. For example, if an unpleasant feeling arises when communicating with someone, it cannot be ignored. This is a signal from your body and brain that something is wrong.
Get support
Deciding that we need change can lead to isolation. Especially emotional perfectionists who already tend to push people away in order to protect themselves and not feel vulnerable. But in the long run, this behavior only hurts. We can't live alone. We need the support of others.
However, we should not expect that one single person, be it a partner, friend or sister, will be able to satisfy all our needs. It's better to build a strong support network outside of your family and romantic relationships.
Deal with perfectionism completely🧐
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