How to avoid the heat of passion during conflicts

Sometimes we do not understand why we suddenly turn to screaming. The usual conversation about a new car, a salad recipe, or something else hurts something inside - and now we are already snapping and cursing. It's an unfortunate situation, but it happens. And when the intensity of passions passes, we do not know what to do with the consequences. It doesn't matter what triggered the conflict. The main problem is emotional reactivity, which at any moment can turn a small spark into a real flame.

What is emotional reactivity

It is a subconscious response most often triggered by memories or traumas that shape us. Something in the present touches a “nerve” already frayed by something in past, and our nervous system inhibits the brain's ability to think sensibly and reason logically.

Emotional reactivity can be called an intuitive automatic response to unwanted arousal. Such primitive behavior, characteristic of all mammals, is designed to protect us. However, in most cases it is neither necessary nor useful. This mechanism cannot be regulated, and it only exacerbates the situation: we react to something, our interlocutor reacts to our reaction, we react to his, and the conflict flares up even more.

How to get rid of emotional reactivity

Develop emotional awareness

When we follow the lead of emotional reactivity, our feelings take control of us. To get it back, you need to understand your emotional condition. For example, if you're worried, ask yourself if there's a good reason for it and what you can do about it.

However, in a stressful situation, it can be difficult for us to name the feelings that we experience. Only if you don't practice it beforehand. It's best to start with moments when you feel happy or joyful, like playing with your kids or enjoying delicious food. Recognizing positive experiences is a good exercise to train emotional awareness.

Build a value-based action plan

To prevent emotional reactivity, formulate the rules of behavior in emotionally intense situations, based on your personal life values. For example, if it's important to you to treat people with respect, you could follow a "listen first, then think, then respond" plan or always speak in a calm tone.

React to the person, not the situation

This means reminding yourself that you are communicating with a person who also has feelings. Yes, you may be annoyed by his words, but he is still worthy of a respectful and attentive attitude. This approach allows you to have calm, constructive conversations in which you offer a solution to the problem, as well as deal with your own suffering and disappointments.

Prepare conciliatory phrases in advance

A ready-made list of stress-relieving phrases helps you stay one step ahead of emotional reactions. Our brains are easily stressed. And if you're worried that you might start screaming or be rudeCome up with some template answers. For example: "Thank you for telling me about this" or "I appreciate that you share your opinion with me." This will give you a little respite in order to sort out your feelings.

Take a deep breath

During conflicts, our nervous system includes ancient "fight or flight" mechanism. Due to stress, the body tenses up, the pulse quickens, breathing goes astray, and hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol are released. It is quite difficult to slow down this process. However, a simple deep breath will allow you to sustain a short pause and calm the nervous system.

Do "emotional push-ups"

Make a list of situations in which you have been emotionally reactive. Pay close attention to how your body responds as you think about each incident, and try to look at what happened from the other person's point of view. You don't have to agree with him, but you should try to understand him.

Think of fighting emotional reactivity as a workout to get you in shape. This cannot be done overnight. But consistent targeted efforts will certainly bring results.