What to do if your loved one boycotted you
Miscellaneous / / August 31, 2023
It can be both learned behavior and cunning manipulation.
You do not understand what exactly you did, but you feel that something is wrong, and your loved one is angry. But the problem is not anger, but how he deals with it. Instead of talking about what happened, your partner is silent. Slams doors loudly, sighs often, but does not talk to you. In other words, declares a boycott.
Why is there a boycott
Silence punishment is an attempt to inflict emotional pain on another person because of one's own anger or frustration. By refusing dialogue, the offended party non-verbally shows that the words or actions of a loved one are unacceptable to her.
Some people boycott when they are overwhelmed with emotions and do not understand how eco-friendly expression. Some because they do not like conflicts and do not want to discuss the problem at length and in detail. Some use this tactic to make the other person feel guilty and obligated to fix the situation. Some because their parents behaved that way in their childhood, or silence worked effectively in the past.
In any case, a boycott is a petty and passive-aggressive tactic that breaks all the rules of healthy communication.
Psychologists Robert Levenson and John Gottman call the boycott a "stone wall" and even include him to his list of the "four horsemen" who destroy relationships, along with criticism, contempt and defensive reaction.
However, one should distinguish between a boycott and a situation where someone takes a break to move away after quarreling. The latter is completely normal if the person explains their intentions and discusses the problem with their partner after they calm down. With a boycott, the offended side "blocks" the partner and refuses to dialogue.
Why boycott hurts relationships
When we are punished with silence, we experience a whole range of emotions - feeling disappointed or angry, invisible or unworthy of respect. Sometimes we even “jump” from one of these emotions to another.
Many of us feel powerless in this situation, because people by nature social. Our brains are wired to recognize how others treat us. Their recognition is a signal that we are safe and can continue to move forward. Moreover, the part of the brain that analyzes social connections is also answers for the perception of pain and danger. That is why a boycott from a loved one hurts us and causes an acute desire to quickly establish contact and feel protected again.
Psychiatrist and MD Elizabeth Gordon notes that boycotting makes it difficult to create an environment in which you can discuss and resolve the issue that started the conflict. And any lack of communication is detrimental to a relationship, because the ability to openly and honestly talk about your feelings is necessary to establish a deep connection with a partner.
Silence can also be an attempt manipulate man and control him. Be careful and try to distinguish between situations: when a loved one infrequently boycotts you; does it regularly, but is open to conversation a little later; or when you feel like a boycott is turning into emotional abuse.
How to behave if you are boycotted
The best thing to do in this situation is to try not to escalate the conflict. Do not take silence to heart, try to remain calm and patient. Don't get mad at your partner lecture him, avoid a condescending reaction and do not beg to tell you at least a couple of words.
Instead, respond to your loved one's silence. Share your observations using "I-messages". For example: "I noticed that you closed and did not answer." Then talk about your feelings through the same constructions, so as not to shift the blame on your partner: “I am very upset that you are not talking to me.” Then carefully explain why the silence prevents you from solving the problem. Offer several alternatives, such as taking a break to calm down and then discussing the situation later: “If you're too upset to talk now, let's be quiet. But we will take the time to return to the discussion later.”
Once the conversation is over, let your loved one speak. Wait for him to speak up and explain what exactly is bothering him. Thank him for being open. If it turns out that your partner is upset because of something you did, consider apologize. Try to discuss how you can solve the problem and what needs to be done so that it does not happen again.
If your partner boycotts you too often, explain to him that you do not like this habit of his, and tell him how it harms your relationship. Talking about it will help to avoid "building a wall" in the future. When your loved one begins to shut down again, you can remind him of your conversation and how you agreed to solve problems. This will allow you to shift your attention from a specific situation to a specific pattern of behavior.
You can come up with a code word that will make you laugh or remind you of moments when you successfully resolved conflicts. The next time your partner boycotts you, it will defuse the situation. Of course, all of these methods will work much better if you discuss what is happening without accusations and condemnation.
If your attempts to prevent regular boycotts aren't working, consider seeing a counselor with your loved one. Perhaps punishment with silence is a learned behavior, and your partner simply does not know how to resolve conflicts differently. A specialist will help him deal with this problem.
Read also📌
- 33 simple things to do after a fight with a partner
- 4 ways to regain trust after a fight and earn forgiveness
- Why conflicts are needed in relationships and why their absence is dangerous