Who are narcissistic parents and how their disorder affects children

How Narcissistic Personality Disorder Manifests

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) appears in the fact that a person considers himself extremely important, special and great, needs admiration and unlimited attention and requires special treatment from other people.

With outward self-confidence at heart, people with NPD suffer from low self-esteem. Any criticism deeply hurts them and causes an unbearable feeling of shame, which then turns into hatred for the one who caused the discomfort.

According to survey relatives living with narcissists, such people have an incredible sense of self-importance, they consider others by default to be lower than themselves, moreover, without any objective reasons.

They demand excessive admiration, behave arrogantly and believe that they have the right to do whatever they want, do not recognize or even see the personal boundaries of other people.

daffodils they can show many positive qualities in public or in personal relationships, but at the same time inside they remain emotionally empty and cold. They do not care about the feelings and needs of other people, they easily manipulate them, exploit everyone in a row and do not feel guilty about it.

IN book "Hell web. How to survive in a world of narcissism, psychotherapist Sandy Hotchkis says that a person can grow into a narcissist if in his parents' early years did not help him cope with feelings of shame and develop healthy self-esteem and self-esteem I.

People with NPD constantly experience unbearable shame for themselves and in order to somehow live with this terrible feeling, hiding behind a fantasy of their own exclusivity, presenting themselves as special, strong and meaningful.

How Narcissistic Parents Raise Their Children

In order for the child to painlessly separate from the mother, develop a healthy sense of self and adequate self-esteem, parents must show empathy, indicate personal boundaries, calmly endure egocentrism, mood swings, explosive tantrums that inevitably accompany children's crises.

Because people with narcissistic personality disorder failed develop a healthy sense of self and are psychologically stuck at the age of 1-2 years, they cannot help their children. And this adversely affects the development of the latter.

We highlight a few features educationthat are characteristic of people with NPD.

Show indifference

While narcissistic women may have high expectations of motherhood, the reality is often too much for them to bear.

A newborn child requires dedication, and this is beyond the power of people with NPD. If the new status does not provide the woman with the support and admiration she hoped for, she may become depressed and look for ways to retreat. For example, he will find a person who will take on part of the responsibility for caring for a child, or completely shift the responsibility to him, returning to work.

If this is not possible, the mother can give the appearance of caring, but at the same time treat the child indifferently and not perform her duties when no one is watching. As long as the baby cannot feed her conceit in any way, he will be uninteresting - at best, she will do everything emotionally detached, like a soulless automaton.

Can't see the child behind their fantasies

A narcissistic woman can passionately want a child and, even before his birth, idealize his image - imagine the baby as her continuation, something perfect. For her, being a mother means feeling special, inspiring admiration in others and being entitled to a lot.

Of course, this requires a perfect child who will mirror the ideal mother. If a real person causes dissatisfaction with his "flaws", the woman feels inferior, feels shame and rage.

The mother narcissist does not think about what the child needs, what he is interested in and who he is. She tries to fit him into the right image, which is suitable for fueling her own ego. Everything is in play: shame and manipulation, encouraging the desired behavior and aggression in case of violation of the rules.

High expectations can also manifest themselves in over-concern about how the child looks or how he behaves in public. In any case, his needs, individuality and differences are ignored.

Show only conditional love

Since narcissistic parents are unable to see the real person behind their fantasies, their love is always conditional and depends on how the child behaves.

Hotchkis's book tells the story of a woman who had an argument with her narcissistic mother a few weeks before weddings. The reason was the disagreement in choosing the color of the wedding dress. The daughter insisted that her choice was correct. The mother became furious, stopped talking to her and told everyone that she had raised an ungrateful child.

Despite her daughter's attempts to reconcile, the woman kept her anger for a long time, she was present at the wedding only formally and again began to communicate normally with the girl only a few months after incidents. But even then she did not admit that the fault was at least partly on her.

It would seem that the color of the dress is sheer nonsense and certainly not a reason to spoil her daughter's wedding and maintain hostility for many months. But for a narcissist, this is normal. After all, they consider only their needs and are convinced that they must get what they want at any cost.

Encourage narcissistic traits

Every child between the ages of 1 and 2 goes through a developmental stage during which they consider themselves the boss. At this time, children are separated from their mother, and so that the outside world does not scare them too much, the psyche turns on a protective mechanism - a feeling of grandiosity and omnipotence.

Healthy parents help the child get through this condition and develop a more realistic outlook. Narcissistic mothers, on the other hand, support and encourage an illusory sense of omnipotence and permissiveness. They do not feel the difference between themselves and their child, they see in him a mirror reflection of themselves, and therefore allow him to perceive himself as special and very important.

As a result, the baby cannot completely separate from her, gets stuck in a state of unrealistic high self-esteem, can not cope with aggression and a sense of shame. Together, this creates excellent opportunities for nurturing a narcissistic personality.

Create projections

To avoid feeling worthless, narcissists often resort to projection. This is a process in which a person transfers to another everything that causes him a sense of shame. A person with NPD can project with anyone, and children are no exception.

Sandy Hotchkis gave an example of this effect on mother-daughter relationships. If a woman with narcissistic personality disorder struggles with her sex drive, she may start calling her teenage daughter a whore. Attacked by the mother's projection, the girl may go along with this label and stop being discriminating in her sexual relationships.

As a result, the daughter becomes a screen onto which the mother projects her unbearable lust. At the same time, the parent feels great, getting rid of negative feelings, and the child suffers from low self-esteem and accepts parental shame as part of his identity.

Violate personal boundaries

Narcissists have a big problem defining the boundaries of their self. They do not perceive other people as separate individuals, seeing them only as an extension of themselves. Their close may either be useful or not at all.

This applies to all people around the narcissist, and of course to his own children. A person with NPD does not recognize their personal boundaries at any age: does not pay attention to the closed bathroom door or child's room, reads personal correspondence and diaries without any feeling of guilt, can rummage through personal belongings, bags, wallets.

For a narcissist, there is nothing wrong with eavesdropping on someone else's conversation, asking an inappropriate question, imposing hugs and kisses. When rebuked or told not to do so, narcissistic personalities often become irritated, obscure, and confusing. Since they do not see any boundaries, they are not able to notice when they are violated.

exploited

Since the parent sees no boundaries between himself and the child, the latter becomes something like an extension of himself, which must fulfill desires and requirements.

The book tells the story of a young woman, Melanie, who grew up with a narcissistic mother. The elderly woman took credit card in the name of her daughter and spent huge sums from her, without even trying to close the debt. The girl earned a little and tried to pay off loans as much as she could, but did not say a word to her mother, fearing her wrath.

Raised by a narcissistic mother, Melanie didn't think about her own worth and only felt fulfilled when she cared for others or connected with a "more important" person.

What problems do children of narcissistic parents suffer from?

Raising a narcissistic parent can turn into serious problems for a child in adulthood. Such children either become narcissists themselves, or grow up shy and closed, with low self-esteem and cravings for people who will be theirs. use.

Below we list a few common problems that are common to children of narcissistic parents.

Perfectionism and fragile self-esteem

Narcissistic mothers often encourage “adult” behavior from an early age, do not tolerate manifestations of anger and discontent, rage, humiliation and impotence, which all children periodically experience.

To meet the strict standards of a significant person, children already at the age of 2-3 years resemble little ones. adults who adjust to their parents' narcissistic tendencies and try to respond to them with near-impossible requirements. They become very comfortable, but at the same time remain emotionally vulnerable and do not know how to cope with shame, rage and aggression.

Substance abuse

Unreliable and inconsistent narcissistic parents do not help young children reduce emotional load, as a result of which the child has little control over internal impulses and cannot cope with frustration.

We can say that they have a broken thermostat that regulates emotional temperature, and so that it does not increase to dangerous levels, people try to cool it down with alcohol and drugs.

This helps alleviate feelings of shame and angst, turns on narcissistic fantasies, and makes you feel omnipotent.

Inability to build normal relationships

Children who grow up in a narcissistic family often feel unworthy of relationships in which they will be valued and respected. They are not used to receiving reciprocity, defending personal boundaries and showing themselves as they are. The main virtue of their childhood was to please their parents, and therefore they do not know at all who they are and what they really want.

In addition, the upbringing of an NPD person increases the risk that in the future, a matured child will choose a partner of the same narcissist or create codependent relationship Will overly care for others and ignore their own needs.

Despite the fact that an alliance with a narcissist will be familiar to them, it is unlikely that they will be able to find happiness in it. Since these people do not take into account the desires and needs of others, having entered into a relationship with such a partner, a person will receive a new portion of demands, claims and humiliations, and it will not be easy to get out.

How to deal with the consequences of such upbringing

Parental narcissism is one case where family therapy is nearly impossible. Because the mental defenses of people with NPD are exceptionally strong, they are rarely able to recognize or even suspect problems in their behavior.

First of all, it is necessary to establish clear boundaries in relationship with parents. Clearly and consistently define what behavior is acceptable to you and what is not. This will help prevent manipulation and dominance.

A consultation with a therapist can also provide you with the tools and resources to correct the situation. During therapy, you will learn:

• find your own path and take responsibility for your life;
• recognize your needs and limitations;
• set boundaries;
• develop healthy self-esteem;
• learn to manage emotions, cope with shame and frustration without the help of alcohol and drugs.

For these purposes, it is worth trying psychodynamic psychotherapy, schema therapy, or systemic family therapy of subpersonalities (IFS).

What to do if the narcissist is you

If you realizedthat you have signs of NPD and want to work on yourself for the sake of your children and loved ones is already a big and important step.

Being aware of your behavior and honestly admitting mistakes are the keys to change.

Feedback is equally important. It is worth asking for it from relatives and carefully, without arguing, listening to what suits them and what does not. It can be difficult and painful, but it is one of the most important components of success.