"I've had enough!": why you should not consider patience the highest virtue

What is patience and what is wrong with it

Patience is considered one of the highest virtues, which is reflected in folk wisdom. God endured and commanded us; if you endure, there is nothing in hell; endure - fall in love; be patient, Cossack, you will be an ataman. But is this quality really good?

The problem is that the word denotes a very wide range of concepts. Although, according to dictionaries, he has a direct interpretation in general one: endure physical and moral suffering, deprivation. And if you look from this side, patience no longer seems such a virtue.

There is nothing extraordinary about suffering as hard as you like. Especially if you don't have to.

Probably the most common word that the brain itself completes after the word “tolerate” is “pain”. Let's say a person migraine, which delivers unbearable torment. The first thing they will offer him is to take a pill to stop it. The second is to go to the doctor to determine the cause of the problem and get rid of the pain. It is unlikely that anyone will consider it a heroic deed if this person ignores everything that is offered modern medicine, and instead spend all day in a dark, soundproof room to endure. There are no questions for those who are not helped by anything from migraines - they suffer not because of their choice.

But in many other life situations, it is precisely suffering that is offered to us. For example, not quitting an unloved job with a toxic team or staying in a relationship that does not bring any joy.

What is the danger of patience

Mental disorders

It is sometimes said that a terrible end is better than a horror without end. And this makes some sense. Being in a destructive situation for a long time, from which there is no way out unless some miracle happens (and it rarely happens without effort) is stress.

In itself stress There is nothing bad. Evolution has given us this mechanism so that in dangerous situations the body mobilizes and does everything to save itself. For example, an ancient man saw a predator, ran away from it and hid in a tree or in some kind of shelter. The stress reaction is complete, everyone is safe and happy. In addition to the predator, which remained hungry, but now is not about him.

But imagine that there is no shelter and a person is forced to run for 10 minutes, an hour, a day, and the predator does not lag behind. Sooner or later, our hero will simply fall exhausted, because the body's resources are not unlimited. It's the same with stress. If it is long violates hormonal balance, reduces the activity of the immune system, leads to depression and burnout.

In addition, patience involves the suppression of emotions, since it is customary to endure suffering steadfastly. But you can not block any individual feelings. Usually, refusing negative emotions, we also exclude positive ones as a bonus.

Learned helplessness

There are questions about this term. Because at first it was believed that in a situation that cannot be influenced, a person learns do nothing. But in more recent studies figured out, which is rather the opposite: people are initially helpless and master the skills to do something in this or that difficult environment.

However, this does not change the essence: if a person endures something for a long time and does not change anything, the chances that he will act more decisively in the future are reduced. Because he loses faith that he can change something. And this worsens the quality of his life and can sometimes be simply dangerous.

Condition of the victim

Boundaries are fluid and can be influenced by the people around you. Even if a person is doing well with this, a skilled manipulator is able to push him through. Usually few people go to personal boundaries with a battering ram - rather, they are gradually pushed back and checked to see if the victim can endure. And if she has a habit of putting up and steadfastly enduring discomfort, the risk that they will sit on his neck and legs will hang down increases.

Misfortune

Happiness - assessment category. A person who suffers can consider himself quite content with life, especially if he has decided why he is doing it. Including because such behavior is considered a virtue. But often there is no way out of the state in which one must endure, and life is too short to deceive oneself.

What to do so that patience is beneficial, not harmful

We mentioned above that the word "patience" is understood very broadly. And there are situations when they also call very useful things in life. True, they can be called much more precisely, so as not to be confused with patience. And there will be no suffering.

Do not endure, but be able to wait

Interesting fact: in dictionaries impatience is not quite the exact antonym of the word "patience". It means "lack, lack of patience in waiting for something", which puts the emphasis a little differently.

There are situations when the stressful situation is finite, but the expectation is unbearable. For example, a person is waiting for results exam and finds no place. Or looking for a dream apartment, but renting the first option that comes across because she is nervous.

Anxiety causes discomfort and often forces a person to act thoughtlessly. And they say to him: "Be patient." Although it would be better to learn how to manage anxiety and not act out of a panic point. Situations that involve waiting have a very tangible end point. And to suffer or not to suffer here is a choice.

Don't be patient, be patient

There are situations that we cannot influence. But in them it is more correct to show not patience, but humility, which differ greatly in approach. The first means suffering and the second means acceptance. If nothing really works out, then you need to work not with the situation, but with your discomfort in relation to it.

Do not tolerate, but insist

Patience is often referred to as a quality that helps people achieve their goals. For example, studying may not be as fun as going to parties. But man stubbornly bites into books even on Friday evenings. Or someone who wants a promotion and comes up with mind-blowing ideas over and over in meetings to get noticed. They sometimes say about such people: “This is patience.” But it's also motivation, perseverance, perseverance, willpower - take your pick. A person does not tolerate - he goes to the goal.

Don't be patient, empathize

Patience is called tolerance, they also remember him in situations when a person is caring for a sick relative or wipes the tears of a girlfriend in a difficult situation. And that sounds like under pressure.

How about empathy and compassion as the right words? It is they who help to understand the neighbor, to help someone who needs help. These situations can be uncomfortable. But it is empathy that makes them more bearable.