How to overcome the fear of negative evaluation and communicate freely
Miscellaneous / / August 10, 2023
Seven Steps to Combat Wrong Thoughts.
What is the fear of negative evaluation
Fear of negative evaluation is experience about the opinions of others and the fear of leaving a bad impression about yourself. To a person suffering from such anxiety, it seems that people around are critical, constantly watching him, noticing all his mistakes and condemning him.
It selectively extracts only information that indicates bad attitudes and rejection. And this filter reduces self-esteem, makes you ignore your successes and achievements.
In general, the desire to be liked and the fear of being rejected are quite normal manifestations. Moreover, such anxiety can be useful, because it helps to correct behavior.
Fear becomes a problem when emotions are extremely strong, make it difficult to feel comfortable in society, or make you avoid situations in which a person can be judged.
How the fear of negative evaluation interferes with life
This fear causes a lot of discomfort and can reduce the quality of life in several ways at once:
- Doesn't let you communicate properly. Constantly thinking about how not to say anything superfluous, a person behaves tensely and stiffly, can give out banal things, agree with the interlocutor in everything. This manner of communication looks boring, irritates people and leads to the same negative assessment.
- Interferes with work. Fear of negative evaluation can interfere pass an interview, keep from meeting useful people and promotions. Being shy of colleagues and bosses, a person is less likely to be able to show his talents, offer bold solutions and show what he is capable of.
- Doesn't build good relationships. People who are very afraid of disapproval or rejection find it difficult to get to know each other and tend to stay in unhappy marriages for a long time, if only not to be alone. Fear of a negative assessment can also turn into sexual phobias - up to erectile dysfunction or inability to reach orgasm.
- Increases the risk of disorders and addictions. An unmet need for intimacy can result in depression, attempts to numb the discomfort with alcohol, food, or other addictive things.
Moreover, the fear of appearing unworthy is capable of slow down information processing and make a person less attentive and involved. As noted in his book “Cure for nerves. How to stop worrying and enjoy life "psychologist Robert Leahy, during communication anxious people keep track of their inner feelings and think about how they will be treated, what impression they produce.
And since a person cannot perform several tasks at the same time, focusing on their fears and controlling behavior interferes with full and involved participate in communication.
How to overcome the fear of negative evaluation
In The Cure for Nerves by Robert Leahy offers seven steps to overcome this barrier.
1. Separate anxiety into productive and unproductive
If an upcoming social situation, such as attending a party or going to an interview, causes you have severe anxiety, to begin with, separate productive anxiety from what does not bring any benefit.
Beneficial care is something you can do right now. For example, dress nicely, go to a party and talk to people. Or prepare a story about yourself for an interview.
Unproductive anxiety is anything that you can't control. For example, it is useless to think about whether people will like you and what they will think of you.
You can also write down the chains of unlikely events that anxious people often line up here: “If someone dislikes me, he can tell his friends and everyone will assume that I Jonah».
Learn to identify unproductive anxiety and stop yourself in time.
2. accept reality
If a person is afraid of negative evaluation, most likely, he denies a lot. For example, he refuses to admit that he cannot control the situation or other people's opinions of himself.
To get rid of anxiety, you need to accept your limitations. Here's how to do it:
- Keep your distance. Express judgments about your thoughts and feelings. For example: “I had the idea that I would say some stupidity». Such statements will help you understand that your fears are not reality, but only expectations associated with it.
- Describe what is in front of you. Try to notice as many details as possible in the interior, or take a look at the people in the room. This will help shift your attention from your worries to the outside world.
- Refrain from self-blame. As soon as another thought comes along, like “I shouldn’t worry,” switch to the previous point - notice what is happening outside.
- Remove yourself from the situation. Look at other people and try to imagine how they see what is happening. By doing this, you will realize that you are not in the spotlight: everyone is more concerned with themselves than others. You can try to imagine that you are not here and you are just watching a story about what is happening on TV.
- Accept what can't be solved. For example, if you can't stop worrying, accept it as part of reality. You are worried in society. It's not a problem. This is a given.
- Recognize what you can't knowTotal. Don't find out what others think of you until they say it. Switch from such thoughts to what is within your power: for example, the essence of the conversation or observing others.
- Imagine the worst. Play in your head the most terrible scenario of your fears, imagine it in detail and in colors, as if you were going to write a book. Scroll through the plot in your head for 10-20 minutes, and you will soon realize how unlikely it is.
- Make and accept imperfection. Decide on your communication goals. Recognize that you will experience some discomfort. Do what you set out to do without striving to be perfect.
3. Deal with anxious thoughts
As a rule, such thoughts are not fully formed, and upon closer examination, they turn out to be illogical. Try to get to know your worries closer:
- Write down anxious thoughts. Set aside 20 minutes to record all the alarms that have visited you during the day. Repeat this daily and you will start noticing that your thoughts are repeating themselves. Use this material for analysis and further work.
- Write down expectations. For example, when going to a party, list all the negative events that you predict. When you return, check the list - how many of them came true?
- Consider your thoughts in more detail. Take a specific troubling expectation and see if it's real. For example, if you think you will say something stupid, what is the probability of such an outcome from 0 to 100%?
- Determine the reality of your fears. Think of the worst outcome of the upcoming event, then the best and most likely. The latter is likely to be somewhere in the middle between disaster and triumph. Then try to find evidence that something bad is going to happen and remember how many times you got it wrong predicting terrible things that didn't happen.
4. Change negative beliefs
Your beliefs about yourself determine how you perceive reality. Therefore, it is very important to understand what opinions prevent you from living and change them to more adaptive ones. Here's how to do it:
- Reveal your core beliefs. Write down a list of negative qualities you attribute to yourself, such as "boring" or "no one likes you."
- Think about how these beliefs affect you.. So, if you consider yourself boring, then this can make you silent in the company, and people will not have a chance to find out what you really are.
- Try to refute yourbeliefs. Find facts that don't agree with your opinion of yourself. For example, a "boring" person has a few good friends with whom they have fun. Or an "ugly" woman constantly receives signs of attention from unfamiliar men.
- Be kind to yourself. Imagine that someone has qualities that you hate in yourself. For example, he is shyly silent in the company or does not look very attractive. It is unlikely that you will hate this person or want to offend or ridicule him.
5. Turn failures into opportunities
Often people who suffer from the fear of negative evaluation think in an all-or-nothing way and recognize any failure as a complete failure. At the same time, even in a not-so-great meeting, there are hidden opportunities worth noticing.
For example, if you are afraid to go to parties because you will be shy and act stiff, even just going there is already a success.
Even if the evening doesn't go well, you can acknowledge a small victory.
Being around people, starting a conversation, focusing on the conversation, watching others without distraction to your own anxieties and state - you have a lot of opportunities for small steps towards goals.
Mark your progress, even if it is very slow. This will support your desire to continue.
6. Use emotions instead of worrying about them
Since caring about the opinions of others is not considered the best strategy of behavior, a person may feel ashamed of his excitement. As a result, he is embarrassed by his embarrassment, which makes him withdraw into himself and worry even more.
To get out of the vicious circle, acknowledge your emotions. It’s normal to feel nervous when you first meet, feel awkward around people you don’t know well, or feel anxious before an interview or test.
It is not immoral or immoral, does not harm anyone but you, and is familiar to many people around the world. Try to talk about your worries to loved ones. Most likely, most of them experienced something similar.
Stop fighting your emotions. Recognize that they are there and it is okay to experience them.
Try to change your attitude towards fear. Instead of taking anxiety as a signal to run away, consider it a sign to attack.
For example, if you feel embarrassed to approach a person with a question, immediately go and ask. Do not hesitate and do not think: the faster you finish the job, the sooner the anxiety will go away.
7. Take control of your time
Most of the time you are safe in the present moment. No one calls you an idiot or a boring type, kicks you out of an interview in disgrace, or invites others to laugh at you.
This kind of game only happens in ghostly fantasies about the future. And so that they stop dripping on your nerves, learn to be in the present and treat time correctly:
- Try to be as present as possible in the here and now. In moments of excitement, you can even say to yourself what is happening around: "I went to the window", "I'm thirsty", "There is a man in a funny hat."
- Watch how quickly negative thoughts and emotions change. You can feel like the most miserable person in the world, and ten minutes later you can calmly think about what to eat for dinner. In moments of anxiety, remind yourself that thoughts change quickly and any state will not last forever.
- Try to imagine a timeline that maps your entire life. Mentally mark on it the present moment of excitement and imagine how long it will last. Compared to all the experience you've had and everything that lies ahead of you, moments of anxiety will seem like a tiny point, and the excitement will subside.
And remember that any tools must be put into practice. Avoiding intimidating social situations won't get you started. So accept your limitations, memorize a few useful thoughts, and go out into society.
Read also🧐
- Ash's experiment: how the fear of becoming an outcast deprives people of reason
- What to do if you feel uncomfortable all the time
- 60 life hacks to overcome the fear of rejection