2 science-backed ways to let go of unrequited love

One of the most unpleasant ways to experience love is to realize that it is unrequited. People whose feelings turn out to be unrequited may become obsessed with getting rid of them, repeating something like this:

• “The more I try not to think about him, the more I do. I don't know when this will all end."
• “I don’t want to cut off contact with her, but it hurts to stay close to me. How to deal with this dilemma?
• “We broke up a few months ago. Why do I still think about return? Will I be able to move on?"

Letting go of someone you want to be with is excruciatingly difficult. In research involving respondents aged 13 to 63, psychologists from the United States singled out several types of unrequited love. And most people have likely experienced at least one of them. For example, falling in love with someone who not available, longing for a former partner, or a feeling that love in a relationship is not equal and one loves one more than another.

If you are suffering from inseparable feelings, there are at least two things you can do to channel your feelings in a healthier direction.

1. Start to control feelings

When we are unrequitedly in love, it seems that it is impossible to get out of this state, that it is beyond our control. However, research showthat we can influence our feelings using certain cognitive and behavioral technology.

Experts call this practice "regulation of love." It helps to change the intensity of our romantic feelings. In the case of unrequited love, methods aimed at lowering will be useful. For example:

• cognitive reappraisal. You need to rethink the situation you are in in order to change how you feel. For example, focus on the shortcomings of the object of love or reflect on the fact that over time the wounds will heal.
• Abstraction. The point is to switch attention from your emotional state to something else - watch TV shows, listen to music, immerse yourself in work or study, to go to gym.
• Social support. Talking to close friends or family can help you feel better or look at your difficult romantic experiences from a different angle.
• Situation choice. Everything that reminds of unrequited love should be consciously avoided, whether it be photos, conversations or places. This ensures that deep feelings do not come to the surface unnecessarily.

2. Stop romanticizing suffering

Unrequited love is often romanticized in art and pop culture. And they present the feeling of longing that underlies failed or purely imaginary relationships as bittersweet euphoria.

But such a picture does not reflect the whole reality. Research draw a completely different nature of unrequited love:

• From the point of view of passion, self-sacrifice and commitment, relationships with unrequited feelings are less emotional than those with reciprocity.
• The only thing people feel more about unrequited love is confusion.
• Unrequited feelings are associated with low self-esteem, self-doubt, anxiety, and depression.

Such conclusions of scientists show why unrequited love cannot be considered "inspiring". We already need time to deal with complex, ingrained feelings, and romanticizing suffering only prolongs it.

Unrequited love is not a good way to imitate a real romantic feeling, but the worst way to approach the ideal. It can be painful and even traumatic experience. But, as with any other difficult event in life, patience with yourself, true self-care, and an honest assessment of reality will help you recover.