How to talk to friends and not spoil their mood

You had a very bad day. Maybe you got into a conflict at work or had a fight with your parents or a loved one. Whatever the reason for your broken mood, talking to a friend seems like a good way to blow off steam and find solace. You will tell him everything in great detail, from childhood trauma to a difficult breakup, in the hope that he will help you feel at least a little better. But have you ever thought about the emotional burden your fiery monologue puts on a friend?

You might reply, “That’s what friends are for—listening to problems and showing compassion, isn’t it?” But the fact is that sometimes, when we share painful things with them, we cross the line. We forget that our friends are not psychologists and communication with them as with specialists affects not only friendships, but also their mental state. When we share our traumatic or unpleasant experiences unannounced without thinking about whether our friends want to know about it or not, we can unwittingly hurt their feelings and make them feel depression.

Of course, this does not mean that you need to keep everything to yourself. Just follow a few rules the next time you decide to pour your heart out and talk to a friend.

warn in advance

Asking permission from a friend to talk to him sounds unexpected. This may seem awkward and unnatural. But even a simple message before a call or meeting with the question “Are you free tonight? I want to talk about what happened at my work" will show that you respect time and personal boundaries close person.

In addition, if you warn a friend in advance, your news is less likely to shock or unsettle him. You will also give him the opportunity to say "no" or to choose the time when it is more convenient for him to listen and support you.

Choose the right time

Especially if something serious happened. There is a time and a place for every emotionally charged conversation, and a spontaneous Tuesday night video call is probably not the best choice. No matter how much you want to throw out your feelings right here and now, connected, for example, with a toxic family member or a possible gap relationship, arrange a time to discuss a sensitive topic. That way she gets the attention she deserves, and again, you don't surprise your friend with unexpected revelations.

Of course, it all depends on what you want to talk about. If this is an urgent crisis that requires an immediate solution, don't delay calling. But if the problem can wait, give the friend a chance to get ready or give up. Maybe he's having a bad day too and wants to be alone. Or he is also going through a breakup and is unable to give relationship advice. So it's best to ask ahead of time when a friend will be available to discuss your difficult situation with you, whether in person or over the phone.

Have a dialogue, not a monologue

Even though you need to speak up, remember: friendship is a two-way street. Even if you have a very serious problem, a conversation can still be an occasion for mutual support. For example, you can thank a friend for their time, and also ask what is happening in his life and if he needs to talk about something.

This is especially important when you are discussing sensitive topics such as grief or relationship abuse. To make sure you don't accidentally provoke bad memories or emotions, check regularly if you can continue or if the topic is too painful for a friend and needs to be changed. Give him a word in a conversation, because he also wants to be noticed and listened to. The atmosphere of reciprocity, when a loved one knows that you are there and are just as ready to help him, is very important for a relationship.

Find another way to relieve stress

During a crisis, your first impulse might be to call a friend and post whatever comes to mind. But try not to turn this behavior into a habit, otherwise you run the risk of tiring a loved one and spoiling his mood, because he could not help you.

It is important to learn to deal with negative emotions and stress on your own. Walk in the fresh air; physical exercise; a diary entry or, alternatively, a voice note on your phone about what is bothering you; even daytime sleep It doesn't matter what occupation you choose. The main thing is that it calms you down and gives you the opportunity to cool down a bit before splashing out anger, disappointment, sadness and other difficult emotions on a friend.

Contact a psychologist

A friend can certainly support you in difficult times. But if you are struggling with deeply rooted problems, such as any kind of trauma or outbursts of uncontrollable anger, it will be better to turn to professional. It will help you deal with painful thoughts and feelings and teach you healthy ways to deal with them.

If you are not sure whether you should go to a specialist, here are a few questions that will clarify the situation:

• How much does the problem interfere with your daily life? Maybe it's temporary, like moving stress?
• Can the problem be solved in the near future? Let's say you're worried about an upcoming presentation at work, and once it's over, everything will be back to normal.
• Or is a problem that you keep discussing with a friend keeping you from eating, sleeping, and working properly, or feeling good and enjoying life?

Friends can be a wonderful source of support during the most difficult times. But if your mental well-being is seriously deteriorating, it's best to seek professional help. No matter how much our loved ones care about us, they are far from omnipotent. And when you lean on a friend for any occasion of emotional stress, neither of the two of you gets real support and care.