What is a "gap of sympathy" and how it distorts our relationships with others

Almost every day we are visited by persistent thoughts that others do not like us. After breaking up with someone we just met or don't know very well, we endlessly replay everything we said and did in our head. And we think: “It was terribly awkward”, “Why did I behave like that?”, “If before this conversation I could still like him a little, now I definitely don’t.” And although we not alone in such their thoughts, they are very far from reality, and the “gap of sympathy” is to blame for everything.

What does "gap of sympathy" mean?

This is the name of the phenomenon, which is as follows: other people like us much more than we think.

The term "sympathy gap" was coined by research, the results of which were published in 2018. Its authors, psychologists from the US and the UK, conducted a series of experiments to find out how accurately we evaluate the opinions of others about us and what influences it.

The participants in the first experiment were divided into pairs and asked to get to know each other by asking each other questions from the proposed list - for example, where they come from and what they do. Then each of them filled out a questionnaire and assessed his interlocutor and himself. As a result, the score that participants received from others was, on average, 0.8 points higher than the score they deserved in their own opinion.

The results of other experiments, such as when freshmen got to know their dorm roommates or when independent experts reviewed the video recordings of the conversation and evaluated the participants, they were similar. People systematically underestimated how much they liked their interlocutors, and in general tended to evaluate themselves worse than they actually looked in the eyes of others.

Experts also noted that we underestimate ourselves, even when other people express their sympathy, such as smiling and giving other non-verbal signals. This is due to the fact that we are too concerned about our reputation and the impression we make in order to notice these signals.

In 2021, US researchers decided to know, at what age do we first fall under the influence of the “gap of sympathy”. They found that this happens when a child turns 5 years old and begins to be interested in other people's opinions about themselves, understand what reputation is, and worry about it. As they grow older, the “gap of sympathy” in relations with others becomes more and more noticeable.

How does the “sympathy gap” affect relationships?

Like any other social being, a person wants not only to spend time with other people, but also to please them. This desire is dictated by our need to be part of a group, because for our distant ancestors loneliness almost always meant certain death.

The "sympathy gap" causes us to avoid social interaction. Research showthat we tend to end conversations with the conviction that we made a bad impression, especially if we communicated with people who are not very good we know. This assessment is fixed in our minds and shapes our relationship in the future.

At the same time, the “sympathy gap” effect can persist for several months, and its effect does not depend on how long or how high-quality the conversation was. In our society, it is not customary immediately after the conversation to directly ask the interlocutor how much he liked us. Therefore, we can only guess what he thinks of us. We endlessly scroll through the dialogue in our head, analyze all our lines and imagine how they sounded to someone whose preferences and values ​​we do not yet know. Of course, all such guesses are quite biased, because our inner critic is involved in their construction.

But if we are sure that other people consider us, for example, arrogant and insensitive, then we are likely to we will defend, worry, refuse to cooperate and even treat them with hostility. As a result, our anxiety what others think of us, and our tendency to underestimate how much they like us, can ruin any relationship before it even starts for real.

How to overcome the “sympathy gap”

Remind yourself of its existence

The next time you're guessing what impression you've made on a new acquaintance, remind yourself that you're guessing. And that there are a lot of things that you don't know yet, so you fill in the gaps with speculation and it makes you worry.

According to psychologists, very often we think about what we could say or do better, and replace these thoughts with the thoughts of another person, which, in our opinion, could come into his head. In fact, any of our assumptions are quite far from the truth. People around have something to think about, they have their own experiences and problems. So it's probably not as bad as you think.

Act

Let's say you went out for coffee with a new colleague and then didn't talk for a few days. While you think that he is silent because he was not too interested in communicating with you, he is probably thinking the same thing. And each of you is waiting for action from the other, and does not take the first step on your own.

Break the vicious circle and go towards the other person if you liked in his company and would like to познакомиться closer with them. For example, invite him to dinner together. There is every chance that you will receive a positive response.

Show a good attitude

When new acquaintances make you sympathetic, get in the habit of talking about it. A simple phrase is enough: "I had a good time, let's repeat." If you were pleased to communicate with a person, most likely, you are also nice to him.

Another way to show interest is to ask questions and give compliments. People love to talk about their thoughts and feelings. Research showthat almost 40% of our daily communication is spent talking about subjective experience. Help people talk about themselves by guiding the conversation in the right direction. This way you will definitely leave a good impression.

The good news is that the "sympathy gap" disappears as soon as we get close to other people, and the more you get to know them, the more confident you feel during communication.