How to calm surging emotions and learn to manage them

Alpina Publisher published a book by psychologist Mike EnnesleyHow to deal with difficult situations». This is a guide that contains instructions for solving a variety of problems - personal, work and global. From it, for example, you can learn how to cope with excessive workload and what to do if you have been betrayed.

Inside there is also a set of "switches" - special tricks that help change the perception of the situation from negative to positive. We publish an excerpt from the Stress and Anxiety chapter on how to make friends with your emotions.

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Emotions have been formed for thousands of years to help primitive people survive in harsh conditions. These emotions are chemical reactions triggered by the most primitive part of the brain (the limbic system) as instant alarms. The advantage of emotions for us is that they work much faster than rational thinking, which is responsible for more developed areas of the brain, and give us a lot of useful information.

However, speed comes at the price of accuracy. Emotions are far from always reliable friends - in fact, sometimes they push us to the worst: for example, anger or jealousy can force us to act contrary to our own interests. Emotion management is an important life skill.

Calm down, acknowledge, think

When an emotion takes possession of you, the psychophysical balance characteristic of a calm state is disturbed: sometimes there are even physical manifestations (trembling, sweating, shortness of breath) or uncharacteristic behavior (aggression, screaming, rudeness, intemperance). Get into the habit of analyzing every time you failed to control your emotions.

Mentally rewind time and observe your own emotional manifestations, as if from the outside, considering them as a natural human reaction to some event ("natural" does not necessarily mean "constructive"). Turn on rational thinking to think about what the correct response to this or that situation should be.

Emotion is nothing but a reaction, automatic and instantaneous; logic and reason dictate our response, thoughtful and balanced.

Don't judge yourself for negative emotions - just rise above them and decide what to say or do, and do not be led by emotions.

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Write, speak, share

By writing in a diary or notebook about your own emotional manifestations and their impact on your life, you will begin to understand yourself better. This is the first — and necessary — step in learning to manage your emotions. Often we try to hide even from ourselves what is going on in our hearts, embarrassed by it. The ability to put emotions into words will reduce the desire to keep them in yourself (which is very dangerous).

In addition, it is useful to share emotions with a life partner, with friends or family. Speaking frankly about your experiences, you will learn the right vocabulary to describe them: these words will help when communicating with someone who can cause a rush of emotions. The ability to convey your feelings is the key to solving emotional problems. It is especially important for men to learn to openly express emotions - as a rule, it is easier for women.

Don't get involved in conflicts

Anger and jealousy, closely related and often accompanying emotions, can take you to the very brink of conflict (up to a fight) - and even lead you further.

Before you step over the critical threshold beyond which emotions force you to act on autopilot, try to step back, think again and assess the situation. When a conflict, whether it be a skirmish or a brawl, begins, emotions from all sides will only flare up, as forest fire.

It is easier to defuse tension at the stage preceding the beginning of the conflict. Call on all your tact and all your self-control.

Come up with a reason to end the conversation if you think it leads to the edge of the abyss.

It is useful for a while to separate the opponents in different directions: perhaps the next attempt to reach an agreement will be less explosive.

Avoid "internal combustion"

Resentment, contempt and jealousy are, unlike anger, long-lasting emotions: often we continue to experience them even in the absence of an immediate stimulus. They rage deep in the soul. This is a self-destructive process.

The most effective way to detoxify your own inner world is to replace all negative emotions with two positive ones: adoption and forgiveness. Make a vow to yourself that you will.

Rip off the masks

Some emotions - seemingly quite positive - can have a negative side. Pride is a clear example: under this mask, arrogance can lurk. Righteous anger (for example, because of injustice) can develop into anger. Before you give in to a seemingly noble impulse, ask yourself if your raging emotions speak of weakness rather than strength.

Down with embarrassment

Full expression of feelings is often hindered by embarrassment - awkwardnessthat arises when trying to reveal one's inner world to others. Behind the embarrassment may be a deeply rooted (and socially approved) belief that talking about your emotions is a sign of some kind of internal laxity.

Of course, society is more and more inclined to accept emotional self-expression as the norm, but this is far from being true everywhere and not in everything. Contribute to this trend: feel free to talk about your feelings. After all, everyone has them. Feel free to state your needs (unless, of course, you are sure of their legitimacy) - no one will do this for you.

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Perform a body scan

The idea of ​​emotions as a kind of internal weather is central to mindfulness meditation. In a sense, emotions are like the wind and thoughts are like clouds. Emotions cannot exist in their pure form: as soon as they arise, you start thinking about them; Emotions also have physical manifestations that also give rise to thoughts.

Meditation mindfulness requires stepping back from this eternal inner storm and focusing on specific things. An exercise in which you, sitting in a chair or lying down, concentrate on your physical sensations, is called a body scan.

1. Sit down, put all thoughts out of your head as much as possible, slow down your breathing, and then move your focus of attention along your entire body - from the top of your head to the tips of your fingers and toes. Consciously register all sensations in the muscles and on the skin, including contact with clothing.
2. Imagine that you fill with air every part of the body where your attention is focused.
3. If you notice yourself getting distracted, refocus on your bodily sensations and continue the exercise without berating yourself for the mistake.
4. Do this exercise for at least half an hour twice a day and six days a week. The full mindfulness meditation program is eight weeks long.

Free up space

Today there is a lot of talk about the need to make room for emotions. This metaphor is a stamp, but a useful stamp. Giving space to emotions is much more productive than calling on the vine to stop any manifestations. feelings or forcibly keep them in line.

We must come to terms with the truth: you can not be stronger than emotions. Opening to them, you create a mental space where you can clearly see them - as if from the outside.

The book How to Cope with Difficult Situations will help you not to be confused when faced with adversity. Unexpected stresses, love turmoil, chronic illness and more, author Mike Ennesley shares strategies to make you more resilient and stay positive.

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