How to truly forgive yourself

Forgiving others is not always easy. When someone seriously offends us, it takes great inner strength and maturity to take a deep breath, forget about your ego and accept a sincere apology. But what if the person we need to forgive is ourselves? Many of us are too self-critical, so it can be very, very difficult to forgive ourselves for a mistake or pain that we have caused to someone.

Perhaps you have already asked someone for forgiveness, but you can not get rid of the feeling of guilt. Or you need to forgive yourself for an annoying behavior that only hurts you, like wanting to please everyone. Or you do not know how to forgive yourself for something terrible, and it does not matter whether your offense was really monstrous, or your brain has turned a minor incident into a catastrophe that causes more shame than worth it.

Often we cannot excuse ourselves because it is not about one specific event. Situations when we forget to wish a friend a happy birthday or do something more serious, for example

change partner, become a trigger for other negative emotions, and we begin to remember everything that we did wrong.

When we make a mistake, we can give in to feelings of shame, guilt, and anger, and this affects our ability to forgive ourselves. Whatever thoughts or feelings are holding you back from moving forward, here are a few tips to help you do so. Because you deserve it.

1. Confirm that you are able to forgive yourself

If you can’t think about what you did for at least a minute without wanting to immediately switch to something else, or you plunge into the abyss of useless repetitive thoughts about your act, this Fine. People who find it difficult to forgive themselves may experience anxiety, insomnia and depression, and in more severe cases, even consciously injure yourself.

Sometimes we think that forgiveness is an unattainable goal for us. So telling yourself that you can handle anything is an important step on the path to healing. Start by asking, “Do I believe in my ability to improve, change, and improve, knowing that I have flaws just like everyone else?”

Even if your brain answers with a resounding “no” by challenging your negative thoughts, you will be able to see the possibility of forgiveness for yourself. This is necessary to really start the path to it.

2. Treat yourself like your best friend

When we go outside of our moral comfort zone, we often beat ourselves up for it, which does not help at all. Instead, one should practice self-compassion.

Imagine that your best friend calls you after breaking up with a girl and immediately begins to scold himself with the last words. You're more likely to say something like, "Hey, everyone makes mistakes, Be better to yourself". But when it comes to ourselves, we don't show that kind of compassion. That is why it is worth imagining what you would say to your friend if he were in your place. This will change the perspective and soften the negative feelings directed at oneself.

If you're blunt with your friends and always say it like it is, this advice might not work for you. In this case, imagine that you are an innocent child or even a restless puppy. The idea is to melt your heart in relation to your own actions. People tend to make mistakes. You may have really screwed up, but that doesn't make you a bad person: there's a difference between "what I did is terrible" and "I'm terrible".

3. Write or speak facts

When we make a mistake, we are often overwhelmed by overwhelming guilt. In this state, it is tempting to look at the situation through the prism of self-hatred and catastrophic thinking or even deny the effect your actions had.

In such cases, it helps to put on paper all the facts, even not the most pleasant ones, to list them aloud to oneself, for example, record a video or voice message, or discuss the situation with someone with an open mind who you can trust. So you stop winding yourself up and start treating what happened as a life lesson.

If you are not honest with yourself about the source of your guilt, it will be harder for you to forgive yourself and change your behavior in the future.

4. Define your expectations

This is another way to change your point of view. It is to understand what own standard you violated when you did or said something you regret. What do you think you should have done in this situation? This expectation is based on reality or on perfectionism when you think you have to read minds and not make a single mistake?

The purpose of this exercise is not to shift the blame to someone else or to relieve yourself of responsibility by relieving yourself of the need to take action to correct the consequences. These questions can shed light on how well you are punishing yourself.

For example, you may find yourself scolding yourself for hurting your sister because, by internal standard, you should always know what she wants. Or, perhaps, you will realize that you did not live up to someone's fair expectations, for example, you left without listening to your sister. And this will indicate a problem that needs a solution, and you didn’t even know about its existence.

5. make amends

After you look at the situation from the point of view of self-compassion and reflect on what is really happened and how you feel about it, ask yourself how would you like to make amends guilt.

For example, you are angry with yourself because for several weeks did not clean the apartment. You can look at the calendar and choose the day you are most likely to be able to do it. If your fault is getting drunk at a party and taking it out on your partner, you may want to consider how to keep yourself from drinking too much in the future.

The idea is not to punish yourself, but to use regrets as an opportunity for growth. Trying to make amends is on a level above mere apologies, because you take responsibility for what you did and make a commitment to behave differently in the future.

6. Come up with a "mantra"

This is not a magic spell with supernatural power, but a way to train let off mistakes by repeating any phrase you like. For example: “At that moment, I did everything I could. I will do better in the future." Or it could be words that you would say to someone else, but nothing prevents you from saying them to yourself: “I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you".

You can say your "mantra" out loud or write it down in a diary. This will calm your inner critic and remind yourself that you deserve forgiveness.

7. Remember that forgiveness is a process

Far from always, we can forgive ourselves immediately after the word “sorry”, which we say before mirror or in your head. Forgiveness is an active process that requires time and repetition of all steps. If all else fails, it may be worth contacting a specialist. And in any case, you need to be patient.