How to experience grief correctly, and how not: says a psychologist

Dealing with the loss of loved ones is harder than ever today. About a century ago, death was much more visible: people wore long mourning for the dead, the coffin with the deceased was transported around the city in an open wagon, and it was customary to prepare for their departure in advance. Surely many people remember how grandparents collected their own clothes.

Modern culture is built on hushing up the topic of death: it either remains behind closed doors or looks deliberately artificial on the movie screen. Under these conditions, even expected loss a loved one is taken by surprise: it is not clear what to do with one's own grief. In this article, we will try to understand the basic “rules” of mourning: how to survive the loss with the least damage and find the strength to move on.

What happens to a bereaved person

Mourning is a natural response to the loss of loved ones. However, the same symptoms may occur with other

life events - for example, with the loss of a limb, forced emigration, retirement, career destruction, divorce. That is, in all cases when we lose some part of our identity and are forced to rebuild it.

A person experiencing a loss may experience intense anger, guilt, longing, sadness, which alternate with emotional numbness. Contrary to popular belief about the five stages of mourning (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance), emotions can alternate in any order and with any frequency, overlap each other friend.

And there is no one correct route for experiencing loss.

For most people, the acute stage of mourning lasts about six months, and the entire process is completed on average in two years. At the same time, the terms may be different - and this is also normal.

Sometimes the symptoms of grief may resemble depression. And it is not easy to draw a line between these states. An important difference is that grief tends to roll in waves, emotions can change in contrast.

With depression, the negative mood is more stable. In addition, people who grieve may well maintain a positive view of themselves. With depression, she suffers most of the time.

How to grieve properly

In psychology, there is a term “work of grief”. It means that living the situation usually goes on as usual. And even if you do not do something on purpose, at some point the phase of mourning will end and a new stage of life will begin.

Don't try to suppress your emotions

It is common for those who mourn to experience emotional waves: sometimes it may seem that everything is almost normal, and sometimes that the pain is stronger than ever. At such moments, there may be a desire to be distracted, to forbid yourself to feel, in some way block your emotions. Someone goes to binge watching TV shows for this, someone uses alcohol, and someone works to exhaustion.

While this may feel like relief in the moment, it only makes things worse in the long run.

The emotions we are trying to make disappear come back and become even more unbearable. In order to survive them and leave them behind, it is necessary, unfortunately, to meet them face to face.

So try doing the following:

• Try to reduce the load, because emotions take power. At least in the first months after the loss, try not to take on additional work tasks, do not change your life dramatically, leave more time for rest.
• If you feel like crying, cry. Often people are afraid that if they start doing this, the tears will never stop. But it's not. Emotions are never static, and everything will end.
• Try to find your way of expressing grief - because there is no one universal option. Someone will want to get out of the city and wander through the fields alone, someone will want to light candles and listen to sad music, and someone to pray or talk with friends. Either make a photo collage or spend time in a cemetery.

Get rid of guilt

After a loss, in addition to grief and longing, people may experience guilt, shame, and self-hatred. They are able to cause obsessive thoughts about the undone, about the perfect mistakesabout missed opportunities and insufficient efforts. These thoughts may have little to do with reality - but in the moment they seem infinitely convincing. Here's what you can do in such cases.

Try to write down all the thoughts that are somehow connected with self-flagellation. For example: “I was not a loving husband enough”, “I should have sent her to the doctor earlier”, and so on. Opposite each, indicate the emotions that it evokes. In the next column, note what sensations arise in the body at the time this thought occurs. And finally, in the last column - what you usually want to do when it arises. You can fill in the columns gradually.

As a result, you will have a table that will look something like this:

With the help of this chart, you will learn to notice accusatory and critical thoughts. If you can capture them the moment they appear, then remind yourself that this is not an absolute truth by default, but one of the very common symptoms of grief.

Almost all bereaved people feel guilty and angry about how they behaved in the past. And if the appearance of these thoughts speaks of something, it only indicates that right now it is very important to manifest kindness to yourself and sympathy.

Don't give up support

Communication with loved ones is very important for grieving people. Feel free to ask for help: it can be difficult for you to cope with daily activities, work and life in general. Friends and family members can not only relieve your life a little, but also make you feel that you are not alone.

The same goes for support: sometimes it can be just communication on everyday topics, and sometimes it makes sense to ask for a hug, say something warm or stay close. Psychotherapy for mourning is not necessary, because it is not a disorder, but a natural process. But she may I help in accepting emotions, working with self-criticism and awareness of the experience.

Keep your regular schedule

As much as possible, of course. Try not to give up sports and stick to the old diet. Continue to take care of yourself, walk the dog, do not refuse to communicate. All these things help to keep in touch with present momentbring a feeling of comfort and soothe.

What not to do

There are things that are likely to only get worse.

Don't Suppress Your Emotions, Don't Devalue Them

Don't tell yourself that they are wrong and you should feel differently. For example, to grieve more or less. Firstly, it will not help to replace some emotions with others, more "appropriate». And secondly, it will only add to your unpleasant experiences.

Do not rush yourself and do not set "deadlines" to get rid of grief. It still won't work: everyone goes through it at their own pace. Expectations set are highly likely not to come true and will lead to guilt or anger at oneself.

Don't isolate yourself from other people

Being alone is important, but it shouldn't take up all of your time. Experiencing grief, it is important to feel in society: communicate with loved ones, go to the office, even just sit in a cafe.

Avoiding people, on the other hand, can easily become a habit that keeps you stuck in the past - thinking about the loss.

At the same time, communication will gradually rebuild own life. In addition, we are social beings and we need the support of others in order to feel better - even if in the moment it may not seem so.

Don't make life-changing decisions in the early stages of grief

They will not look so unambiguous after the emotional wave subsides. If it seems to you that you understand how to radically change your life right now, it is best to write it down for yourself so as not to forget, and postpone it for a couple of months. Until the moment when the emotional intensity decreases.

Don't Avoid Joyful Activities

And don't panic if they aren't as much fun as they used to be. After a loss, people often give up what they liked before: someone thinks that this is unfair after what happened. And someone simply does not see the point in this, because the action does not cause such emotions as before.

But that doesn't make anyone feel better in the end. But positive emotions give strength cope with grief and help you live in the present, not in the past.

It's not scary if it seems that your favorite hobbies will not bring joy: even in this case, it is worth trying to do them. And if it is at least "normal" or "a little good" - this is already a positive result. But even in his absence it makes sense praise yourself for trying.

What is the result

Emotions have several important functions. They let us know what is happening to us and help us communicate something important to others. Moreover, they prepare us for action. Fear puts the body in the optimal state to save itself from danger, while anger puts it in the best shape to fight for what matters to us.

Grief also has this function. During his experience, you usually want to freeze, hide, isolate yourself from others. This is necessary in order to reassemble: to find a way to think differently about yourself, to live in a new context - without someone who was an important part of life before. As a result, we come out of grief a little different, with a new vision of what how to live further.

What to read on the topic

1. «Let's talk about loss. You're in pain and that's okay, Megan Devine.
2. «Gazing into the sun. Life without fear of death, Irvin Yalom.
3. «Death in the big city”, Maria Ramzaeva, Elena Foer.
4. «Miss you. How to get over the pain of a breakup, repair a relationship, or let go”, Ilse Sand.