How different types of envy affect friendships

Imagine that in the middle of a busy day at work, your best friend calls you and tells you that he just got a promotion, which comes with a substantial salary increase. You are happy for him, but another feeling lurks inside - envy. After all, you have been working hard for years, and even a bonus does not shine for you, although in the current financial situation it would be very useful to you. It would seem that you should be happy and wholeheartedly share his success with a friend. But instead, you get angry and resentful, and therefore consider yourself a bad friend.

Do not worry. Psychologists say that this is a completely normal reaction. Don't blame yourself for feeling jealous. You just need to know that it is different.

What types of envy exist

Envy is often confused with jealousy, but it's not the same thing.

Jealousy arises when we already have something important and valuable and we are afraid that it will be taken away from us. It usually comes from the fear that we might be replaced. We get jealous when our partner flirts with someone else or when our parents pay more attention

brother or sister.

Envy is a painful emotion we experience when we want something that someone else has. It originates in our desires, not in our fears. Jealousy is outward oriented and revolves around attention from others. Envy lives within us and includes the desire to get another person's property or be in their situation.

We are accustomed to consider envy a bad emotion - after all, in Christianity it is considered a mortal sin. But modern psychologists do not agree with this. In one small study, researchers figured outthat we can experience two types of envy: malignant, or black, and benign, or white.

1. White envy

Benign envy is rooted in a sense of personal security and self-confidence. With this type, we obsess over what others have and how they got it. When we are jealous “in a white manner”, we can be inspired to change ourselves and our life for the better. We may be jealous of a friend's success, but use our experiences as a motivation to put more effort into achieving our own goals.

White envy allows us to understand that the victories of other people do not negate our own merits. That is why it becomes a source of motivation: when we see how our friend conquers new heights, we feel a surge of energy, not the bitterness of defeat, and we can sincerely rejoice for him.

2. black envy

Malignant envy is based on self-doubt and occurs when someone else's success makes us angry. When we are jealous in a “black” way, we do not just want to get something that another has. We believe that a person deserves what he has, not as much as we deserve it. This type of envy can lead to feelings of resentment and resentment, and even to wishing bad luck on the other person.

Black envy makes us feel unhappy and believe that achievements those around us overshadow our own. If our envy comes from self-doubt, we perceive the other person's victories as a threat and may begin to sabotage their successes, belittle them and seek to "destroy" them morally.

Such feelings not only poison friendships, but also prevent us from reaching our potential. Unlike white envy, which motivates change, black envy does not allow us to move forward and directs all our energy to useless anger.

What to do if your friend is jealous

In such a situation, the first instinctive impulse may be to write the person off as a "bad friend." Instead, try to remember a moment when you yourself were jealous of him. This can be a serious test of empathy. But if your friend has helped you in some way on your path to success, thank him, share his feelings and express the hope that someday he will also fulfill your desires.

At the same time, do not let envy prevent you from enjoying your victories. If a friend is constantly trying to belittle your achievements, you should consider whether you need such a relationship. You do not have to deal with the emotions of others and hide your successes, just so as not to hurt anyone.

What to do if you are jealous of a friend

Being jealous of friends from time to time is normal, especially if you are going through a difficult period. The most important thing is to understand that they successes nothing to do with yours. When you dwell on envy, you waste energy and attention that could be directed towards achieving your goals. In addition, you remain in a negative environment that dampens any creativity, optimism, and purposefulness.

Compare your life circumstances with those of a friend. So you put his success in a certain context and get rid of the feeling of your own inferiority. Consider what factors brought him to where he is today. Is it the result of luck or long hard work? Maybe he had access to resources that you do not have? Or maybe you and him just ended up on different stages of life and career?

When you feel jealousy rising up inside you, try to focus on the love, admiration, and other pleasant emotions that a friend evokes in you. Use them to celebrate his successes with him. Remember that situations where the winner really takes all are very rare. You have your own limitless potential, so be happy for your friend and get back to work on making your dream a reality.