How to save a relationship if you become a "parent" for a partner
Miscellaneous / / June 06, 2023
When the roles are reversed, it can be difficult to find happiness in a couple.
The reality of life is such that even if a couple consciously strives for a relationship on an equal footing, it is far from always possible to avoid unhealthy patterns of behavior. Among them is the situation when one partner becomes a "parent" for another. At first, this dynamic seems very comfortable. The “parent” may like that he has a specific goal and that someone needs him, and the “child” may like that he has the opportunity to enjoy attention and not take the initiative and responsibility. But maintaining a long and happy relationship with such a distribution of roles is very difficult.
Why you can be in the role of "parent" for a partner
The obvious explanation is that your partner may be an emotionally immature person who has not yet learned how to be an adult. But this is not the only reason. Here are just a few examples out of many possible:
- Your parents' marriage was built on similar relationship dynamics.
- As a child, you were told that a potential husband or wife needs to be nurtured from the day they met.
- You have experienced trauma, anxiety, or uncertainty in the past and are now subconsciously molding your partner into the person you need to feel stable and secure.
The most effective way to find the root of the problem is to contact a psychologist. Specialist will help find and correct the attitudes that form such a model of behavior.
What to do if the "parent" in the relationship is you
For whatever reason, if you are not satisfied with the distribution of roles in a relationship, the situation needs to be corrected. Try the following methods to get started.
Define your desires
Consider whether you want to continue the relationship or not. For this, experts advise ask two questions:
- Do I really love this person?
- What exactly do I like about it?
You may be reminding yourself that you have important common values and beliefs, which means that the relationship is worth fighting for. Or, on the contrary, you will come to the opposite conclusion and realize that it is high time for you to leave. In any case, the answers to the questions will help to better understand what exactly do you want.
Take a step back
Give your partner more opportunities to take the initiative and contribute to the relationship. Ask him for help more often and ask how he would deal with this or that issue, and do not do everything yourself. Make decisions together and share responsibility for results, even if it's just small chores like taking out the trash or washing the dishes.
At first, you may be anxious and uncomfortable. But if your partner gets involved and takes action, it will help build trust in the couple.
Turn your attention to yourself
If you decide to continue the relationship, it may be useful for you to take a break from the process of nurturing and improving your partner and take time for yourself. For example, contact a psychologist and, together with him, analyze the internal attitudes that led you to the parent-child role model.
In addition, when a partner does something wrong, try not to redo everything in your own way, but to explain to him exactly what he made a mistake, and also speak frankly about your needs. In this way, you will get rid of the growing feelings of irritation and resentment and will be able to deepen the trusting relationship with your partner.
Read also🧐
- “If only you feel good”: what is emotional service and what is wrong with it
- 12 Signs You're Trying to Save a Relationship That's Not Worth It
- 7 types of couples who find it difficult to maintain a relationship