5 "Angry Languages" That Prevent You from Getting Closer to Your Partner

Gary Chapman's bookfive love languagesbecame a real bestseller. It is often studied by couples who want to find the secret to eternal happiness. The main idea of ​​the author is that everyone in a relationship has its own basic way of expressing feelings and that partners need to show will and learn to communicate each other’s “language of love” in order to gain harmony.

Indeed, many couples in love often suffer precisely because they speak different “languages”. Being aware of the other person's wants and needs is important for a relationship. However, as with the study of any foreign language, it is not possible to establish communication right away. The problem may be that the “language of love” of a partner is sometimes drowned out by the “language of anger” - angry tirades, harsh statements and indignant cries that turn into a cacophony of pain and rejection.

What are the "languages ​​of anger"

The author of the idea, psychologist and writer Mike Verano identifies five types:

1. Righteous: "The truth is on my side, and you're wrong." People who choose this language are driven by a sense of superiority, and any conflict with them quickly turns into a listing of all past mistakes and sins of a partner.
2. Outraged: "How can you?" Often this phrase is pronounced with some bewilderment, designed to soften it, but the subtext is always the same - the "victim" did not deserve such treatment. It's a classic switch-over scheme that puts both sides on the defensive.
3. Requiring retribution: "You will pay for everything!" People who use this language never forget or forgive anything and follow the rule of "an eye for an eye". Moreover, they can be inactive for a long time, because "revenge is a dish that is served cold."
4. Distracting: “What about the situation where…?” Speakers of this language skillfully switch the attention of the interlocutor in order to avoid responsibility for their words and actions and make him defensive. It's like sneaking a cookie out of someone else's box and then getting angry because it's stale.
5. Justifying: "You deserve it". People who choose this language usually remind about karma, but also give it a powerful impetus themselves, acting as judge and jury.

"Angry tongues" are often combined and can easily lead to real anger. And although they are usually easier to recognize and understand than "love languages", we try to ignore and avoid them. The reason is that at the heart of every “angry language” is fear. Fear of being wrong, fear of being taken advantage of, fear of losing control, learning the truth, or appearing weak.

How to deal with anger tongues in a relationship

Gary Chapman's advice to first learn the "love language" of a partner ignores ancient wisdom "Know yourselfand the more recent thought that change is important to start with yourself. Very often we carefully study the personality of another person, but completely do not understand our own needs, interests and motives.

Of course, it is better to learn your "language of anger" with a professional psychologist. It often happens that depression and anxiety are hidden under the mask of anger. But there are a few steps you can take on your own:

• Make relationships a priority. In his book "Swearing cannot be reconciled» family psychologist David Burns notes that one of the main problems with conflicts in a couple is not difficulties in communication, but the lack of concern for a partner and relationships when they are relegated to second, fifth or tenth place in of your life.
• Learn to let go. Over time, this attitude has acquired a shade of pseudo-Buddhist practice, which people follow because they have to, and not because they know how to do it. But there is a power in it that helps to get rid of unnecessary emotional baggage. In many cases, the problem lies precisely in the habit of constantly returning to the same quarrels, not allowing yourself to let them go.
• Be willing to forgive. Disgust, resentment, and resentment are poisons that we consciously take in the hope of "poisoning" someone else. Forgiveness truly heals.

At first glance, it may seem that all these steps require serious effort and work on yourself. This is true. But this is nothing compared to how much energy and mental strength you spend on holding back anger under control and not explode.