6 questions for those who want to stop communicating with a toxic family member

Setting boundaries can be very difficult, especially when it comes to loved ones. Nedra Tawwab, licensed therapist and author bestseller “Set Boundaries, Find Peace of Mind,” dedicated her new book “Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships” (Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships). In it, the author helps readers to deal with the most common type of dysfunctional relationship - those that bind us to the family.

According to Tawwab, many of those who have “difficulty with their families” want to find a way to keep them in their lives. At the same time, she emphasizes: one should not hope that a loved one realizes everything himself and will change. Instead, try different approaches and tactics and see how they affect the situation.

Of course, if communication becomes too exhausting and unsafe, it is time to cut off any connections. But before you take such a serious step, Tawwab offers to answer six questions.

1. Do I feel like I'm in danger around this person?

This is not only a matter of physical, but also emotional and psychological security. Think about whether you would trust your child to this family member? Would he be a good example? did you notice signs of abuse in your relationship?

Security is one of the most important factors to consider.

Physical abuse is the most compelling reason to cut off all contact if you are willing and able to do so. Tawwab also highlights less obvious examples of abuse: nasty nicknames, derogatory comments, threats, constant "silencing", ignoring or making fun of your feelings.

In addition, if a relative has a substance use problem, because of which he often breaks down, behaves inappropriately, or brings dangerous people home, this is a serious reason to think. When you feel that a family member is a threat to you, your partner, children, or pets, you have every right to cut off all contact immediately.

If the situations described above are familiar to you, you can stop communicating forever or move away for time until you find the right way to protect yourself and determine the frequency that is comfortable for you meetings. According to Tawwab, healthy boundaries provide a sense of calm even if the other person doesn't change.

2. Is your relative acting toxic or just annoying?

Imagine that you are talking about the unpleasant moments of your childhood, and a brother or sister interrupts and tells you or, even worse, your family members, that you are lying and this never happened. This is toxic behavior. And if he or she cuts you off in mid-sentence, simply because he does not know how listen, and in general, “now it’s my turn to speak,” is a common manifestation of selfishness. These behaviors are certainly annoying and should be discussed with a loved one, but they are not necessarily toxic.

Learning to deal with the disgusting traits of other people is part of life. Those we truly love sometimes piss us off. Try to be honest with your loved one and talk about what hurts you. And if that doesn't help, think about how often you're willing to see him and tolerate his non-toxic but highly annoying mannerisms.

3. Have I spoken directly to a relative about what is bothering me?

The people who have been present in your life since the moment you (or they) were born, I can be sure that they understand you like no one else. Sometimes it's nice. For example, when your grandmother supports your creative endeavors and her faith gives you strength. However, in a family with dysfunctional dynamics, such confidence makes you feel like you're suffocating.

Perhaps a brother or sister loves to share all the embarrassing stories from your childhood. Or mom reminds you of your weight, even when you're just looking towards the cake. Or your sister-in-law thinks that she can at any time ask you to work as a nanny for free and leave you her child just because you are single and you do not have your own children. Whatever situation you find yourself in, if you notice a repetitive pattern of behavior that you want to stop, talk about it.

When we let the other person know how their behavior affects us, we give them a chance to change.

The main thing is to remember that you can only control your part of the dialogue. For it to be successful, the relative must be willing to listen to you, admit they are wrong, and decide to change something. Unfortunately, in dysfunctional families, people usually do not even want to hear about other people's experiences, let alone change. Therefore, be prepared for the fact that a relative will try to hush up the topic or turn the arrows on you.

As much as we would like to, we cannot change someone who refuses to even try to become better. If you have already started a conversation several times about what is bothering you, but the other person does not react in any way, this is a signal that it is time to change tactics. For example, lower your communication expectations or set clearer expectations. borders.

4. Have I adjusted my expectations?

According to Tawwab, we often think that parents are obliged to give us love and attention, because they play a special role in our lives. However, many people do not know how to be attentive and sensitive, not only in relation to others, but also in relation to themselves. So it's not really about you, it's about them. Perhaps your relative did not receive enough love as a child, or suffers from addiction and mental health problems.

If you have already admitted to yourself that a loved one is not able to give you what you want - stability, kind words, adequate communication, but still continue to feel disappointed, this may be an argument in favor of the fact that it is time to move away From him.

5. Have I tried to distance myself from a relative without cutting off the connection for good?

Let's say your whole family gathers on Sundays for supper and after it you are constantly covered with anger and sadness. No matter how much your aunt or your brother tries to make you feel guilty and makes you keep going to meetings, you have every reason to decide for yourself how many of these dinners you are willing to attend - one per month or one per year. This is how you set a framework for protecting your mental well-being.

Tavwab is sure that there are many ways to cut communication without interrupting it completely. Sometimes we think that relationships should be close, just because they are family. But there are relatives whom we regularly and constantly cannot stand, and sometimes we can. It remains only to determine the measure of this “sometimes”.

You can step back and save contacts in several ways:

• Skip Next festive meeting.
• Reduce the number of telephone conversations, for example, to once a week.
• Don't reply to every message right away.
• Stand your ground when a relative does something you asked them not to do.

6. Am I really ready to end the relationship?

Cutting off all contact with a relative or not is a very personal decision. If you've tried all of the tactics above and feel like your patience has reached its limit, breaking up the relationship may seem like an inevitable step.

However, if you are constantly haunted by thoughts of what will happen if something happens to a loved one tomorrow, or the guilt inside you is stronger than the desire to protect your own feelings, this may be a sign that you are not yet ready.

We are definitely ripe to end communication when, after a thorough analysis of all factors, we are confident that this person has no place in our lives.

Sometimes the distance from the family may not last long, and after a pause it is even possible to re-establish relations. However, this happens only if everyone does painstaking inner work. It is very important to keep realistic expectations and have a clear plan of action for unpleasant situations in the future. And the most important thing is to be honest about the reasons why you decided to end the communication.

Carry out inner work, restore relationships or, conversely, come to terms with the final break family ties and understanding how to avoid repeating a dysfunctional scenario outside of the family will help psychologist.

While there are universal reasons to stop communicating, such as physical abuse or gaslighting, everyone determines for himself what is considered the most compelling, “correct” reason and when exactly family ties need to be broken. What seems dangerous to one, does not bother another at all. Therefore, do not look at others and do what is best for you.