"Everyone was sitting in a puddle!" Business coach Victoria Shukhat on how to deal with shame at work

Calm down, the shame is only in your head

Shame is a subjective concept. Our attitude to any awkward situation is dictated only by our inner mood. And this attitude depends on the attitudes laid down by someone in our head. That is, we mark an event as a shame only if we find a connection between the event and our own internal standards of decency.

There are two main reasons that affect the formation of our feelings of shame.

1. Low self-esteem causes shame

The root of the problem is low self-esteem. Due to self-doubt, it is difficult for a person to survive even ordinary work difficulties. And if some kind of emergency situation occurs, then it immediately acquires the status of horror.

Low self-esteem makes it difficult to reduce the degree of anxiety. Because of it, it is difficult to stop qualifying what happened as a shame and begin to perceive it as a challenge or inconvenience.

A person who is self-confident is much easier to experience awkward situations and treats them more calmly, because he adheres to proactive life position: understands that everything in life depends on his action or inaction, takes the initiative and takes responsibility.

2. The feeling of shame is formed by social stereotypes about decency

A person in his natural state, in the state of childhood, does not feel any shame. The child runs around naked, walks dirty and does not shy.

And only then parents, older relatives, teachers convince him of the existence of decent and indecent actions. That is, the feeling of shame has nothing to do with human nature. This is a social phenomenon. It is connected not only with the family and upbringing, but in general with culture, ethnicity, religious beliefs, and origin.

Public standards of decency are not something permanent, they change. In different countries and times, different facts were shameful.

For example, there is the term "goof off". It used to be considered an incredible shame to go out without a head covering. But some hundred years have passed, and now you are more likely to be surprised by a woman in a headscarf than without it. The situation is one, but the interpretation is different.

Decide what to do

If an unpleasant situation occurs, it is important to think about how to behave in a team. There are only two options: go and sort it out, perhaps even publicly, or ignore the unpleasant incident as if it never happened.

1. Pretend like nothing happened

If an awkward situation has happened and it does not promise anyone problems, the best way is to just smile and work on. No need to publicly sprinkle ashes on your head or blush when you appear in the office. Act like nothing happened.

Of course, a lot depends on how others react. Even Anton Pavlovich Chekhov said that good education is not about not spilling sauce on the tablecloth, but about not noticing how another did it. By the way, this is a very interesting indicator. team atmosphere.

Therefore, the algorithm of actions is as follows: if colleagues are tactfully silent, then you should too. There is no need to remind yourself of what happened.

If asked, you have to smile sweetly, shrug your shoulders and calmly admit: "Ah, it happens to everyone." And keep walking with your head held high. Treat the event calmly, without panic, and even better with humor, then the story will soon be forgotten by itself.

When is all this appropriate? There are two groups of cases:

• If something personal comes up, shame is related to physiology. For example, you could forget about the camera turned on after the conference and start changing clothes. Or they mixed up the chats and sent an intimate photo to the working group. Or are you sick at a corporate party.

All these situations are unpleasant, of course, for the hero of the story, but if you treat them as a shame, you can only make things worse. You can’t raise the rank of the problem yourself and focus attention on what happened. In awkward situations, a sense of humor helps to save face. We smile and wave, as the "Penguins of Madagascar" commanded us.

• A professional blunder has occurred: the deal fell through, lost partners, could not adequately speak at the conference, because the technology failed.

This should not be taken as a disgrace. Everyone was sitting in a puddle! If you do something for the first time, it is almost always, as Eeyore said, a pitiful sight. Everyone got confused, forgot the words, everyone ran around the stage in a panic when the projector did not turn on. conferences.

In the case of professional mistakes, it is best not to focus attention on them in the team. But this does not mean that we should forget about what happened. Figure out what went wrong to avoid similar problems in the future. But without self-blame in the spirit of "I'm bad, i'm ugly... I don’t eat meat anymore and now eat rice cakes... ”- as in Lenin’s article.

2. Talk to your boss and colleagues

There are awkward situations that require further action. Such cases are united by the presence of negative consequences from what happened: the reputation of a person, a company suffered, the company suffered losses, lost a strategically important partner.

Here you must immediately admit your guilt, apologize and discuss compensation. These three steps are required when:

• Your actions harmed the company: the company lost a lucrative contract due to the fact that you got into an unpleasant situation; your reckless actions resulted in fines or other problems for the company; you naively revealed official secretand she became known to everyone.

In such cases, efforts should be directed towards minimizing the negative effect. Do not just say that you are ready to atone for guilt, but offer ways. Everything has compensation. Any act can be, if not corrected, then at least smoothed out, leveled its consequences with your reasonable behavior.

• If you are caught in a lie. Deception also has consequences - for the hero of a false story, or for the company if the lie is about work. If you are caught lying, admit what happened. Apologize and tell the truth, think about how you can correct the consequences. It may even be easier than dodging and cunning. Try to explain your act, sometimes people tell a lie "for the benefit of".

• If the boss accidentally heard criticism addressed to him. This can happen if a person did not enter the office where they discussed him at the right time, or one of his colleagues conveyed your words to him.

The worst thing to do in such a situation is to shut up and look down. The best thing is to personally talk with the boss and voice your comments or complaints. Be sure to give reasons and arguments.

Normal leader will react calmly. He will say: "Well done, you are my golden employee." And the anxious and notorious one will refuse a rational proposal, and then appropriate the idea for himself. Or they just won't let you finish.

Get rid of stereotypes about shame

Ask yourself why you think something is shameful. Many people with whom I spoke on this topic most often answer that the criteria by which they evaluate the event were laid in them in childhood. People admit: "We were brought up that way."

Then immediately stop. If you think so, then you already see the constructs that have been built into your head. You understand on a rational level and just as consciously you can abandon these beliefs.

Accept the fact that your beliefs may have become outdated and no longer fit the current situation. Many of us spent our childhood in other historical circumstances, in another country, if we talk about those born in the Soviet Union. There were other rules.

And here is another argument that will help rationally abandon constructions. Stereotypes about shame, embedded in a person’s head as a program, are very convenient ways manipulation our consciousness. Guilty people are easy to control. The disgraced are even easier to manage. Because he sits quietly, content with what they give. It is unlikely that such a position can be considered beneficial for you.

Stop bringing up the past

It is important to understand: the past is the past. It is useless to fight him. What happened is only in your memory. And by the way, quite distorted form. Human memory is very cunning and insidious. She sometimes makes such changes to the plot that we remember the situation exactly the opposite. And we are absolutely sincerely sure that everything was exactly like this, and not differently.

Replay an unpleasant situation in your head and imagine that now think about you colleagues, not constructively. We are not responsible for the thoughts and feelings of others. People around can do whatever they want. Once you come to this understanding, it will become much easier to deal with difficulties and awkward moments at work.

Learn from the lessons

We are not gods to foresee everything from beginning to end. But we can learn from our mistakes, draw conclusions and gain experience. Difficulties make us stronger, more confident and more reliable. Conclusions help to avoid unpleasant situations in the future.

1. Prepare for speeches and negotiations Plan B

relive awkward situation Better to work on the bugs. Line up the entire chain of events - then you will understand where the failure occurred: what you did not initially take into account, what you forgot, what you did not consider important, but in vain. Who is warned is armed. The next time you know that there is a thin spot, lay the straw three times.

For example, I traveled to events with my projector for many years. Although each time they promised me that everything was working, the equipment was checked. But I also knew that at 8 am we might not find another projector in the city.

Therefore, when the presence of a projector was fundamentally important for me, I even flew on an airplane with this suitcase. And in 10-15% of cases, I needed it.

2. Don't gossip at work

You must be aware that you answer for the consequences of your words. Do not think that what was said in secret will remain the secret of two people. Be sure: information will reach the hero of the story sooner or later. Probably in a twisted and weird way.

Therefore, if you have any questions, claims or suggestions, it is better to immediately go to the person to whom they are addressed.

3. Don't lie at work

In the short term, lying can have some positive effect. But we also know from the wonderful "Deniska's stories" that the secret always becomes clear.

Plus, the truth is annoying. If you lie and worry about it, then you experience a double torment: the fear of exposure and shame for lying. In this case, cheating seems even more unreasonable. It is much more logical to immediately tell the truth, albeit an unpleasant one.

4. Don't get intimate with co-workers in the office

First, I think that starting relationships at work not the best option. Wolves don't hunt where they live. Feelings that suddenly flare up between colleagues can also cause trouble for both of them: rumors, gossip, hurtful jokes.

Secondly, even if you are dating a colleague, the office is not a place for feelings and intimacy. Reasonable people don't find themselves in situations where they can be caught or caught in the back room. For romantic relationships, if you feel like it, there are a great many other places. As they say, even in sexual life you have to think with your head.

Consider whether it is worth continuing to work in this place

Between an awkward situation and dismissal there shouldn't be any connection. You need to build your career based on your own interests. What do you care about the opinion of colleagues? These are random people who surround you during this period of time. You are completely independent of their opinion.

In psychology, there is the concept of "reference group". It includes people whose opinion is really very important to you. There are few such people in a person's life, and, most likely, none of them work with you. Therefore, quitting because of one awkward situation is childish.

Thinking about quitting may be worth it when you realize that you are in toxic team. When employees love other people's failures, savor embarrassing situations, love trolling and create embarrassing situations for colleagues themselves.

If you notice this behavior, then this is an occasion to ask yourself: “Should I continue to work here?”

Perhaps this is not your team, not the people who will help you in a difficult situation. After all, a team is when you know that the ball you throw will not fall to the ground, but will be picked up by someone else.